pulltheline
:(
- May 16, 2021
- 16
the past couple of days haven't been the best. on day one i planned to meet with my partner (he/they) but we didn't start to get ready to meet until i'd almost ran out of time. i decided i would walk to meet them there but it ended up stressing us both out and i brought on an argument. i've been trying to push him away from me for ages so that i don't end up hurting him more and even that aspect of me is toxic. i just want them away from my toxicity. i brought up things i didn't need to that were unnecessary and hurt him, like their attempts and previous reactions to things i've done. i didn't mean the things i was saying, but i meant to say them. i wanted him to hate me and not feel so upset when i ctb. i didn't believe what i said, but i know they do because so many other horrible people in their life have said the same things as i did that day. i feel so horrible and it's not something you can make up for with a sorry. my partner and his mum went to my parents' house and called the police saying that i wasn't safe. he told my parents and the police all the things i'm at risk of or dealing with, a lot of it didn't even link to the topic. it did hurt to know that the only person i trusted enough to talk to about a lot of things i'm struggling with couldn't keep the promises of confidentiality. i had to speak to the police and my family and a mental health team.
the team helped to start with, it was nice to speak to someone removed from the situation. i was honest for the first time in a while. after a couple of hours they said i needed to go to hospital and that my parents had to take me so i would definitely get there. i went back home to grab my things and i found my dad had searched my room. he could've at least told me he would do it. i feel quite betrayed that he went behind my back. my parents also ripped up the gift i had for my partner to see what was inside it, when they already knew it was a gift i'd prepared. my family took me to the hospital and i was seen by a mental health doctor.
the wait was quite long, i slept in the waiting room quite a bit and was tempted to just up and leave but i didn't want to be even more of a burden. eventually i saw a doctor and he said he'd organised someone from the mental health team to see me before i went home. i met this mental health nurse, he was alright but he didn't help at all. he gave me a few helplines and sent me back home, saying that someone from the team would see me at home tomorrow. i left, feeling even worse than before. my thoughts were getting worse and worse. i started to plan things the more they spoke about it. my family were all lovely to me that night before i went to bed: "we're so proud of you" "you know you could've said something sooner" "we'd never judge you". i went to sleep and the next morning another mental health nurse came to my house. she told me the same things they tell everyone; i told her it made me feel worse about everything including ctb thoughts and she gave me the same helplines then left. my family assumed i was fixed miraculously. we went out shopping, got some food (which i didn't eat, since the talk had made me worse in that aspect), then we went home. my parents were overly engaged, a lot more than usual. they took my medications away (i already had my sharps taken) so i had nothing for sh. before i went to bed i spoke to my partner for a while, i apologised for the things i said and told him about what had happened that day. understandably, he felt worse about the things that've happened in the past. i know what i've said has hurt him massively and i don't expect to be forgiven. i wanted to give him some kind of explanation so they didn't feel so confused about it all. i ended a call to his mum saying i never wanted to see him again just before i got home to the police on the first day. i didn't mean that but i meant to say it. i wanted to make him dislike me and not want to see me, but i know that just hurts both of us.
just after i got ready for bed i spotted left over medications in my room that none of us saw to have taken away. i felt impulsive and couldn't cope with my usual strategy of sharps so i just went for it. i'd never overdosed before but my partner has. i know its not a quick or easy or nice way to ctb and its not likely to be a great way overall, but i had nothing else. i closed off my messages to my partner and after a while i put on some music and poured a few of the pills out. i took quite a few, a couple per mouthful until i couldn't take any more. as i checked the time i saw some messages from my partner. they were worried about me and asked if i was safe in that moment. thats when the plan all started to go wrong. i wanted to ctb right up until this point. i had it all worked out, but this stopped it. i ended up calling a parent and i told them what i'd done. they took me straight to hospital and made sure to reassure me and make me feel comfortable. i really appreciated that. my other parent just kept yelling at me and it made me worse. i got to the hospital and they did the default tests and treated me. on the way and when i got there i heard my family talking about my partner and how i have to be away from them now. both him and his mum. i really needed to speak to him of all people, he makes me comfy and calm. i love them. i had to change my phone password, hide my notifications, and message him from a social media to tell him to message me there. my parents are snooping everywhere. i've had to clear out all the photos of my partner and i from my phone and store them on a social media i will delete from my phone, so they cant see those photos (my family doesn't like him at all and wouldn't like me being in a relationship with him, so we haven't told my family). i'll be clearing out my laptop next. my family took my phone while i was in hospital so i couldn't hear music let alone message anyone for some support. i felt so lonely and trapped.
for the next day the hospital carried on treating me, i was sick for about 14, it was awful. i was stuck in a mindset of wishing i never did it and wishing it worked because the pain was so bad. i find it quite interesting how i know i took over 16 pills, yet the hospital said i took less since it went through my system fast. i don't know how that works. i eventually got my phone from my parents when they saw me that night so i could tell them when i was awake the next day. i called my partner as soon as they left so i could tell him about what was happening. it was so nice to hear him on the phone, it made me feel so much better having a person i love around me.
that brings me to today. my treatment finished and they medically cleared me. i spoke to the mental health team again but it went really bad. my parents told them how they felt about my partner. they said because he self harms it's bad for me to be around him and that he's a bad influence on me for being in a psych ward. i don't agree. he's one of my only true places of support, him and his mum. i have a counsellor but she's not the best. the mental health worker agreed. my family are now putting in place anything they can to separate me from him. they're going to make sure his phone number is blocked from my service provider, call the police to have them arrested/fined/put in place a restraining order. i don't want any of this to happen. i told my family and the worker that i need him around for support, the same as all my friends. they said that if you have a friend who is openly suicidal or sh's then they're not a true friend?? i think this is ridiculous. so i can never be a friend to anyone? i told them about the next person i'm closest to, mine and my partner's best friend. they said she was different. i then told her that she struggles with a lot of the same things as me, to which they said i cant communicate with her either. i told the worker that most of my friends have mental health issues and we support each other in ways we know help each other, so my parents' and the worker's responses were to cut off all communication with everyone. i'm not allowed to leave the house, my house keys are locked away and you need a key to leave. i'm not allowed to be left without a parent at all times, including when i'm sleeping - i now have to sleep in my younger brother's room next door to my parents with all the doors open. i cant use the internet without them watching from next week. i cant message anyone because they're cancelling my phone contract. they're taking access of my bank account. they appealing to have my social medias shut down so i cant message people there. they said it'll be like this until september at the least. i'm not allowed to study at the same place as any of my friends, they're making sure i go to completely different institutions from the next academic year. i have to cut all ties with everyone i speak to. i don't know how this is all legal, i'm just being shut away and i have no control. i'm so sick of all of this. it's just making my thoughts worse the more they treat me like a prisoner. i feel like being sectioned would be easier than this. at least i could speak to real people and not just myself or a note page.
i don't know what to do anymore, i'm so lonely right now.
oops that was longer than i expected
the team helped to start with, it was nice to speak to someone removed from the situation. i was honest for the first time in a while. after a couple of hours they said i needed to go to hospital and that my parents had to take me so i would definitely get there. i went back home to grab my things and i found my dad had searched my room. he could've at least told me he would do it. i feel quite betrayed that he went behind my back. my parents also ripped up the gift i had for my partner to see what was inside it, when they already knew it was a gift i'd prepared. my family took me to the hospital and i was seen by a mental health doctor.
the wait was quite long, i slept in the waiting room quite a bit and was tempted to just up and leave but i didn't want to be even more of a burden. eventually i saw a doctor and he said he'd organised someone from the mental health team to see me before i went home. i met this mental health nurse, he was alright but he didn't help at all. he gave me a few helplines and sent me back home, saying that someone from the team would see me at home tomorrow. i left, feeling even worse than before. my thoughts were getting worse and worse. i started to plan things the more they spoke about it. my family were all lovely to me that night before i went to bed: "we're so proud of you" "you know you could've said something sooner" "we'd never judge you". i went to sleep and the next morning another mental health nurse came to my house. she told me the same things they tell everyone; i told her it made me feel worse about everything including ctb thoughts and she gave me the same helplines then left. my family assumed i was fixed miraculously. we went out shopping, got some food (which i didn't eat, since the talk had made me worse in that aspect), then we went home. my parents were overly engaged, a lot more than usual. they took my medications away (i already had my sharps taken) so i had nothing for sh. before i went to bed i spoke to my partner for a while, i apologised for the things i said and told him about what had happened that day. understandably, he felt worse about the things that've happened in the past. i know what i've said has hurt him massively and i don't expect to be forgiven. i wanted to give him some kind of explanation so they didn't feel so confused about it all. i ended a call to his mum saying i never wanted to see him again just before i got home to the police on the first day. i didn't mean that but i meant to say it. i wanted to make him dislike me and not want to see me, but i know that just hurts both of us.
just after i got ready for bed i spotted left over medications in my room that none of us saw to have taken away. i felt impulsive and couldn't cope with my usual strategy of sharps so i just went for it. i'd never overdosed before but my partner has. i know its not a quick or easy or nice way to ctb and its not likely to be a great way overall, but i had nothing else. i closed off my messages to my partner and after a while i put on some music and poured a few of the pills out. i took quite a few, a couple per mouthful until i couldn't take any more. as i checked the time i saw some messages from my partner. they were worried about me and asked if i was safe in that moment. thats when the plan all started to go wrong. i wanted to ctb right up until this point. i had it all worked out, but this stopped it. i ended up calling a parent and i told them what i'd done. they took me straight to hospital and made sure to reassure me and make me feel comfortable. i really appreciated that. my other parent just kept yelling at me and it made me worse. i got to the hospital and they did the default tests and treated me. on the way and when i got there i heard my family talking about my partner and how i have to be away from them now. both him and his mum. i really needed to speak to him of all people, he makes me comfy and calm. i love them. i had to change my phone password, hide my notifications, and message him from a social media to tell him to message me there. my parents are snooping everywhere. i've had to clear out all the photos of my partner and i from my phone and store them on a social media i will delete from my phone, so they cant see those photos (my family doesn't like him at all and wouldn't like me being in a relationship with him, so we haven't told my family). i'll be clearing out my laptop next. my family took my phone while i was in hospital so i couldn't hear music let alone message anyone for some support. i felt so lonely and trapped.
for the next day the hospital carried on treating me, i was sick for about 14, it was awful. i was stuck in a mindset of wishing i never did it and wishing it worked because the pain was so bad. i find it quite interesting how i know i took over 16 pills, yet the hospital said i took less since it went through my system fast. i don't know how that works. i eventually got my phone from my parents when they saw me that night so i could tell them when i was awake the next day. i called my partner as soon as they left so i could tell him about what was happening. it was so nice to hear him on the phone, it made me feel so much better having a person i love around me.
that brings me to today. my treatment finished and they medically cleared me. i spoke to the mental health team again but it went really bad. my parents told them how they felt about my partner. they said because he self harms it's bad for me to be around him and that he's a bad influence on me for being in a psych ward. i don't agree. he's one of my only true places of support, him and his mum. i have a counsellor but she's not the best. the mental health worker agreed. my family are now putting in place anything they can to separate me from him. they're going to make sure his phone number is blocked from my service provider, call the police to have them arrested/fined/put in place a restraining order. i don't want any of this to happen. i told my family and the worker that i need him around for support, the same as all my friends. they said that if you have a friend who is openly suicidal or sh's then they're not a true friend?? i think this is ridiculous. so i can never be a friend to anyone? i told them about the next person i'm closest to, mine and my partner's best friend. they said she was different. i then told her that she struggles with a lot of the same things as me, to which they said i cant communicate with her either. i told the worker that most of my friends have mental health issues and we support each other in ways we know help each other, so my parents' and the worker's responses were to cut off all communication with everyone. i'm not allowed to leave the house, my house keys are locked away and you need a key to leave. i'm not allowed to be left without a parent at all times, including when i'm sleeping - i now have to sleep in my younger brother's room next door to my parents with all the doors open. i cant use the internet without them watching from next week. i cant message anyone because they're cancelling my phone contract. they're taking access of my bank account. they appealing to have my social medias shut down so i cant message people there. they said it'll be like this until september at the least. i'm not allowed to study at the same place as any of my friends, they're making sure i go to completely different institutions from the next academic year. i have to cut all ties with everyone i speak to. i don't know how this is all legal, i'm just being shut away and i have no control. i'm so sick of all of this. it's just making my thoughts worse the more they treat me like a prisoner. i feel like being sectioned would be easier than this. at least i could speak to real people and not just myself or a note page.
i don't know what to do anymore, i'm so lonely right now.
oops that was longer than i expected
