Story I tried to be honest with my dad about my ideation

[AnotherBrick]

But I don't think he got it. I consider myself very fortunate to have a loving, supportive family. They're the reason I'm still here and, since my breakdowns have been more frequent and intense, I've been honest about that fact.

My father is the doting, overprotective type. While he's had his difficulties in life, none of them have been major depression. Despite his best efforts, it's clear he doesn't understand exactly why I act the way I do.

We sat and talked tonight. I tried to explain to him how, at the moment, I'm hanging on solely to not pass the pain onto them. I described how I don't enjoy anything nowadays and I only eat, sleep, and work.

I told him how I don't have any goals or dreams. I once did, but I've since realized they're unattainable and no amount of pep talk can convince me otherwise. I exist day in and day out to do what needs done and that's it. I pointed out many ways in which the world is too messed up and difficult to live in nowadays.

And at the end of it all, he told me that I didn't understand how hard it is for him to hear his child say these things. That I need to find something - anything - that makes me happy. I need to keep trying to be happy.

I immediately regretted opening up. I was trying to help him understand where I was coming from, but it's clear he still doesn't quite get it.

He's a kind man who has made me and my siblings his world. I knew that it would be hard for him to hear, but I had hoped that being honest would somehow help things. I don't know why I thought that. I see why people don't want to burden others with their thoughts now. He didn't deserve to have me put all that on him. I should have anticipated he wouldn't get it, as this isn't the first time we've alluded to the subject.

Idk guys. My mood has been so unstable lately. They have no idea how hard I'm trying to hang on for them. I just don't know how much more I can take before I snap completely.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I felt like I wrote a lot of that myself except my mom instead (never had good relationship with my dad). I have been suicidal for years but I just started to open up more and more to my mom about it. I think deep down she understands why I feel this way because of my past traumas and bad mental physical health. But she guilt trips me into staying alive. I truly think my death will kill her. It's killing me..I'm trying so hard to hang on for her. A loving parent can be a blessing yet a curse because I feel so obligated to stick around for her but I'm so miserable. I only opened up with her so it wouldn't be a shock for her but damn this is hard. I just don't know how many more set back I can't take before I just can't go on anymore not even for her.

 

[AnotherBrick]

I'm sorry you have to go through that, too, Raven. It's not an ideal place to be. It sounds especially rough since your mom is actively using guilt. That's not fair to you. My guess is that she might not be able to think of any healthier way to keep you alive. You must be really strong, I know how tempting the end can be at times.

I mean, I'm pro choice but its definitely a hard topic to broach with family. If someone in my family told me the stuff I say, my first instinct would be to seek reasons why they shouldn't, either. If you love someone, you want to make things better and keep them around. Whether or not that's selfish is another debate.

I'm honestly surprised I don't harbor any resentment toward them, seeing how long I've been wanting to CTB. I guess I know they just want to help. They're not ready to accept that nothing else can be done.

Truthfully, maybe a new psychiatrist COULD be what I need, but after 10 years and like 8 different meds, I'm tired. I don't believe in a solution anymore.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I'm venturing into an area where I don't perceive I possess much strength, so take the following with a grain of salt. Do you think maybe your dad lacks the tools to properly hear and support you? Maybe what you seek from him - he is incapable of providing?

I recently reached out to a family member just to soften the blow for if and when I CTB. This was a sibling. It was zero cry for help and my sibling knows it wasn't. Even if it were my sibling lacks the tools or the training to help me.

Not sure what your objectives were in reaching out to your dad, but could reaching out to another IRL be more helpful for you? Maybe a sibling has better capabilities to meet your needs? Maybe even better a therapist?

 

[Cherrypea]

Well done for talking to your dad. It's incredibly hard for a parent to hear these things and unless you have children it's hard to see it from their perspective. You invest everything in your children, feel responsible for them even as adults and feel you have failed if things don't pan out so great.
He may need time to process what you said but also he may just want to stay in denial to protect himself from pain.
I'd bring your feelings up again soon, show him you are actually serious. And maybe just say it'd be nice to have a chat without him trying to find solutions, sometimes you just need to talk to someone who cares with no expectation apart from making that day a little more bearable.

 

[AnotherBrick]

Do you think maybe your dad lacks the tools to properly hear and support you? Maybe what you seek from him - he is incapable of providing?
...
Not sure what your objectives were in reaching out to your dad, but could reaching out to another IRL be more helpful for you? Maybe a sibling has better capabilities to meet your needs? Maybe even better a therapist?

Yes, I do believe he lacks the ability to really understand, which is why I'm confused myself as to why I tried opening up. I really regret it, I think I just hurt him more in the end. I was just trying to acknowledge what he already suspected and maybe remove some of the mystery behind it? I guess?

Well done for talking to your dad. It's incredibly hard for a parent to hear these things and unless you have children it's hard to see it from their perspective. You invest everything in your children, feel responsible for them even as adults and feel you have failed if things don't pan out so great.
He may need time to process what you said but also he may just want to stay in denial to protect himself from pain.
I'd bring your feelings up again soon, show him you are actually serious. And maybe just say it'd be nice to have a chat without him trying to find solutions, sometimes you just need to talk to someone who cares with no expectation apart from making that day a little more bearable.

I do imagine it'd be incredibly difficult to hear from your child. That's why I regret opening up about it. I didn't really plan to, but considering he already knew I was just hoping an explanation could clear the air, per se. I'm not quite sure. I didn't really think it through and if I could take it back, I would.

It kind of sucks because he always wants me to open up to him and talk to him about my struggles because I usually lean on my mom for those sorts of things. He wants to be supportive, but he's usually too disconnected to understand mental health struggles. I feel like I caused more harm than good. I'll probably go back to empty platitudes and fake smiles with him. He'll probably catch on (I'm a shitty liar), but I don't really know what else to do.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Your empathy is awesome! I wish I had some more of this. Your dad is lucky to have you as his child!

For me, I really struggled with my dad. He has so many shortcomings with me that I have childhood trauma from his lack of interest in me - his son. My father is a narcissist. I had a therapist listen to my pain and help me to partially heal by teaching me what I needed as a child could not be provided to me by my narcissistic father. He did not have it in him to offer what I needed. I saw this therapist weekly for over a year. Best thing she tought me was what I just stated.

I suggest you dont beat yourself up. I would think that no matter what you decide to do that it might have been the best decision how you decided to approach him. But, to use this simplistic phase, what's done is done.......you made what you thought was a good decision, but during implementation it did not go as expected. I make decisions
that backfire all the time. Although I dislike this aspect of myself, i accept it.

I'm not the correct member to suggest the next step. Listen to others for this idea - I dont have that skill regarding your phase 2 approach.

I am rooting for you!

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I hope I can give you a reply that will help you. I'm coming to you as a mother and as a daughter who recently opened up fully to her mother.

First- I was happy the day I ordered my SN. I haven't smiled or laughed in 3 yrs since my son died. My mother met me at the bathroom door- she was waiting to shower. I burst out laughing. I had a smile I could not stop. She said your laughing? whats going on? I just jumped up and down laughing pointing up with both hands saying I'm going I'm going. Later that evening I had a very honest talk with my mom. I told her I have a peaceful guaranteed way to go to my son and I plan to go. I don't want her to have a shock when I go and it kill her. She is in her 60's with serious medical issues. 2 days later I was teamed up by her and my brother. After a very successful conversation I think she understood-it's just to painful to be here. She actually discussed keeping my home and animals. It was a relief to know she accepts my decision. She doesn't agree with it- but accepts it knowing life without my son is not possible. Having that burden off my shoulders that she accepts is a weight off me. Knowing she will remain in my home and my animals will remain in their home is also a relief.

Now as a parent.. I had severe depression as a teen due to the hell I was born into. So I can understand feeling such depression. Only because I have been there could I relate. As a parent having been there I would try to offer my child therapy and begin to encourage some activities to see if something can fill a void for them. It is wonderful you went to your father. Don't beat yourself up for that. You did what you needed to for you. My older son always talked to me I have amazing memories of him asking my advice. I feel honored my son choose to let me in on his most intimate feelings about everything. We were like best friends and mother son. My younger son is more stubborn, introverted and refuses to talk about anything. I wish he would. He had always been this way and became more so after the death of his big brother. I know my son is going through it- loosing his brother and mother as he knew her that day. I cannot help him if he refuses to open up. I've tried to get him to talk and he is so stubborn he wont budge. You should approach your father again. say to him dad, it means a lot I can talk to you. Let him know what you are wanting to let out. Someone who has never experienced such depression won't ever understand fully. Realize because he has never experienced feeling this way he probably wont be able to relate. Accept prior to that conversation that it is for YOU and so you can say what you want feel you need to. Don't expect him to relate because having never been there he can't. I wish you luck with what ever you choose to do. You mentioned a new therapist might be what you need.. maybe tell your parents your current one isn't helping you need MORE and are wanting to find a new therapist.

 

[AnotherBrick]

Thank you, guys. I really appreciate the support. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on, I guess. I cancelled my next appointment with my usual psychiatrist, I've been going to him for a decade and things haven't been better so I'm not going to bother. I went to a GP for extra help but she just tells me to do whatever my psychiatrist says.

I live in a shitty town that doesn't have many mental health professionals, so I guess I'm just gonna strike out on my own. I think I just have to learn to endure the monotony and general disdain for life for a few more decades until my parents pass and I can just CBT. I'm confident my siblings will be more understanding, though I dread hurting them too.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

GPs usually defer to the med protocol of psychiatrist, as I understand. GPs in general are a little cautious when crossing paths with psychiatrists. GPs usually dont have adequate training in pharmaceutical options with psychiatric meds.

I recommend you educate yourself just like I do. Read. Read. Read.

Learn the treatment options for your condition(s).

Fyi, I had a psychiatrist treat me via telehealth years ago. Perhaps you can do the same and look for someone with whom you can Skype?

COVID seemingly might change the entire model of healthcare is my guess.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Good luck!