Horrors Lazuli
Member
- Oct 12, 2019
- 44
My living circumstances have become more and more dire. Around two months ago I was kicked out of my grandparents' house, whom I had been living with for almost five years. The circumstances that led to this don't matter. What matters is the finality of my situation. They kicked me out knowing the only place I would end up is at my abusive dad's. This is where I've been living for the last two-odd months. My dad decided not to renew the lease on this house in order to get rid of me and I have reached my limit. I failed at everything. I haven't finished college, I live with cerebral palsy, I have bipolar disorder, and I am entirely out of hope. I've tried so hard to make it in this world and keep getting knocked down and I've had it. I want to end it.
I have tried everything. I applied for disability --the process can take up to to six months; not a real option--, gotten food stamps (no real help), and work a minimal six-hour-a-week job. I'm tired. I don't want to spend the very little energy I have working. I don't want to suffer and I don't want to keep exerting myself in aimless "effort." Fuck effort. The only way to succeed is to have the stamina. I don't. I want out.
What saddens me most is that for the first time in my life I have friends and people around me who are wonderful and exactly what I ever hoped to have. But they can't help with what I need: a place to live.
I have some money saved and I'm going to use it to CTB my own way. I envision myself renting a cabin in the woods and checking out of this world and of this life. I want to go in my sleep, take an eternal nap and leave. I am looking for help from anyone who might advise me to obtain a method. I prefer morphine, fentanyl, anything that will drown out the sorrow and the pain.
Sorry, therapist. Sorry, psychiatrist. Sorry, best friend. I can't do this anymore.
Please, please, someone help me. I can't anymore.
I have tried everything. I applied for disability --the process can take up to to six months; not a real option--, gotten food stamps (no real help), and work a minimal six-hour-a-week job. I'm tired. I don't want to spend the very little energy I have working. I don't want to suffer and I don't want to keep exerting myself in aimless "effort." Fuck effort. The only way to succeed is to have the stamina. I don't. I want out.
What saddens me most is that for the first time in my life I have friends and people around me who are wonderful and exactly what I ever hoped to have. But they can't help with what I need: a place to live.
I have some money saved and I'm going to use it to CTB my own way. I envision myself renting a cabin in the woods and checking out of this world and of this life. I want to go in my sleep, take an eternal nap and leave. I am looking for help from anyone who might advise me to obtain a method. I prefer morphine, fentanyl, anything that will drown out the sorrow and the pain.
Sorry, therapist. Sorry, psychiatrist. Sorry, best friend. I can't do this anymore.
Please, please, someone help me. I can't anymore.