dogdrool
Member
- Dec 2, 2025
- 56
Last year I tried to kill myself twice in 4 months with a plethora of abandoned attempts between those. I decided I'd give myself a break. I just wanted to let things cool off and to recover for a while (though I didn't intend to try and become.. not suicidal).
I seriously just can't take it anymore. Ontop of the constant nightmares, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, lack of support system and lack of energy to help myself, I've been trying to regain control of my oral hygiene.
My teeth are malformed and developed with no enamel on the majority of my teeth- aka, they're pretty much destined to rot out of my mouth. I thought I had it under control and the decay had at least stopped, but it hasn't. My teeth have been an ongoing problem since I was small. I think it's finally pushing me over the edge.
Everything and everyone who I thought would save me has done nothing. I don't have the energy to help myself out of this fucking mess. I'm going to kill myself before my 20th birthday in April. I have to do 2 things.
1. I'm going to a house party on Saturday (it is Wednesday currently) where a guy who I know likes me will be attending. I've never really kissed anyone before and I want to do that. It sounds stupid, but yeah. He's asked to kiss me before, but I wasn't drunk enough. I get scared.
2. My sister has her first concert booked for March and it's a trip just for me and her in London together. I want to make sure she gets that experience.
(I'm a bit worried about the trip, I know that being alone with my sister in a hotel near a railway station will be a massive trigger for me. A lot of my suicide-based thoughts become more tempting if there are people present to watch/ experience it).
Hopefully by the time it's over, I'll be worn down even more.
I just don't care anymore. I'm gonna buy a fat ass tray of sushi tomorrow and pig the fuck out at the train station by my house to think for a bit.
I've been trying to help myself for so long. Reconnecting with old friends, keeping up with my university work, meeting up with people, taking more risks and being more adventurous. None of it is worth it- I just wish I had someone in my real life who understood. I should've stayed on the rails the first time I tried.
I seriously just can't take it anymore. Ontop of the constant nightmares, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, lack of support system and lack of energy to help myself, I've been trying to regain control of my oral hygiene.
My teeth are malformed and developed with no enamel on the majority of my teeth- aka, they're pretty much destined to rot out of my mouth. I thought I had it under control and the decay had at least stopped, but it hasn't. My teeth have been an ongoing problem since I was small. I think it's finally pushing me over the edge.
Everything and everyone who I thought would save me has done nothing. I don't have the energy to help myself out of this fucking mess. I'm going to kill myself before my 20th birthday in April. I have to do 2 things.
1. I'm going to a house party on Saturday (it is Wednesday currently) where a guy who I know likes me will be attending. I've never really kissed anyone before and I want to do that. It sounds stupid, but yeah. He's asked to kiss me before, but I wasn't drunk enough. I get scared.
2. My sister has her first concert booked for March and it's a trip just for me and her in London together. I want to make sure she gets that experience.
(I'm a bit worried about the trip, I know that being alone with my sister in a hotel near a railway station will be a massive trigger for me. A lot of my suicide-based thoughts become more tempting if there are people present to watch/ experience it).
Hopefully by the time it's over, I'll be worn down even more.
I just don't care anymore. I'm gonna buy a fat ass tray of sushi tomorrow and pig the fuck out at the train station by my house to think for a bit.
I've been trying to help myself for so long. Reconnecting with old friends, keeping up with my university work, meeting up with people, taking more risks and being more adventurous. None of it is worth it- I just wish I had someone in my real life who understood. I should've stayed on the rails the first time I tried.
