Story I tried even harder!

[LonelyKitten]

You know what?
I tried again!

I tried really hard to get back home!
Maybe there was to be a miracle, again?
Believe?

I got that US visa refused on Monday.
But the interview was not very clear why, whether I simply didn't do well enough.
I did freeze up during it and shortly after the refusal happened.
I'm socially awkward and this kinda questioning stuff makes me nervous in particular, because after being locked up as a child I've always feel guilty to some degree, even when I don't do anything wrong.
We didn't go over the full facts.

So on Tuesday, I was setting up my full suspension hanging stuff.
All the reasonings for living on came about, while I was preparing, as you would of course expect. (sort of like SI, though I will argue not the same, in comparison to when I've engaged with other methods)
There was no panic or anything. All calm.
I beat them all soundly, except one.
Did I really try hard enough for that visa?
Was I only refused because I don't interview well? (remember the UK Beachy Head situation - I was only detained because I wasn't candid with the police/chaplains)
I had made a new application ready to go, but the next appt would've been Nov 15th.
That's too long.

So I finished the full setup at that point.
I made a deal: I'd check the page a few more times, until 3:30 AM (set some alarms to sleep in like 15 min intervals).
Each time I looked, it's actually worse - Nov 21th instead.
And BAM, insanely enough, only right on 3:30 - Nov 9th! Same week! Wow! Has the tone of a miracle, at least?
Cue 3:35 AM, appointment is booked - we sleep another night, yeah?

This time, I did as well as I could.
We pretty much went over the full facts, as much as we really needed to.
I never froze up, I never stopped speaking.
I was candid, and open.
Still a refusal.

I observed similar visa approvals/refusals in nearby appointments, before mine happened.
I understand now, it is definitively clear I can't get one.
I even asked follow-up questions, and made absolutely sure about the factors.

You know what?
I cried and felt desperate hell the first time.
This time? I feel far, far more calm.
I know I have an out. I know it's safe.
And I know, that
1) I fought about as hard as I could, minus the most nuclear possible option that is just too traumatizing to try and go through without any support.
2) I genuinely have no manner of qualifying anymore, factually I simply don't, and I no longer need to regret any lack of trying.

Ironically, I'm supposed to have received SN today, as well.
I'm confident in full suspension hanging already, but this will be a great backup if I need it (if it actually got here proper this time...)
I am scared though, I hope the SN order won't get me police attention (please god don't let me relive confinement trauma!)

This forum is my sanctuary.
Hanging will send me to my dream world.
I miss my real world, but if I can't see it ever again, peace, peace, is okay too.
Thank you all for your support, fellow lost souls.

 

[venin.n]

You know what?
I tried again!

I tried really hard to get back home!
Maybe there was to be a miracle, again?
Believe?

I got that visa refused on Monday.
But the interview was not very clear why, whether I simply didn't do well enough.
I did freeze up during it and shortly after the refusal happened.
I'm socially awkward and this kinda questioning stuff makes me nervous in particular, because after being locked up as a child I've always feel guilty to some degree, even when I don't do anything wrong.
We didn't go over the full facts.

So on Tuesday, I was setting up my full suspension hanging stuff.
All the reasonings for living on came about, while I was preparing, as you would of course expect. (sort of like SI, though I will argue not the same, in comparison to when I've engaged with other methods)
There was no panic or anything. All calm.
I beat them all soundly, except one.
Did I really try hard enough for that visa?
Was I only refused because I don't interview well? (remember the UK Beachy Head situation - I was only detained because I wasn't candid with the police/chaplains)
I had made a new application ready to go, but the next appt would've been Nov 15th.
That's too long.

So I finished the full setup by this point.
I made a deal: I'd check the page a few more times, until 3:30 AM (set some alarms to sleep in like 15 min intervals).
Each time I look, it's actually worse - Nov 21th instead.
And BAM, insanely enough, only right on 3:30 - Nov 9th! Same week! Wow! Has the tone of a miracle, at least?
Cue 3:35 AM, appointment is booked - we sleep another night, yeah?

This time, I did as well as I could.
We pretty much went over the full facts, as much as we really needed to.
I never froze up, I never stopped speaking.
I was candid, and open.
Still a refusal.

I observed similar visa approvals/refusals in nearby appointments, before mine happened.
I understand now, it is definitively clear I can't get one.
I even asked follow-up questions, and made absolutely sure about the factors.

You know what?
I cried and felt desperate hell the first time.
This time? I feel far, far more calm.
I know I have an out. I know it's safe.
And I know, that
1) I fought about as hard as I could, minus the most nuclear possible option that is just too traumatizing to try and go through without any support
2) I genuinely have no manner of qualifying anymore, factually I simply don't, and I no longer need to regret any lack of trying.

Ironically, I'm supposed to have received SN today, as well.
I'm confident in full suspension hanging already, but this will be a great backup if I need it (if it actually got here proper this time...)

This forum is my sanctuary.
Hanging will send me to my dream world.
I miss my real world, but if I can't see it ever again, peace, peace, is okay too.
Thank you all for your support, fellow lost souls.

Thank you too darling

Farewell

 

[LonelyKitten]

Thank you too darling

Farewell

We're all in this together

Just to be clear, this is not a goodbye thread.
I have that prepared still, for when I have done it.

Dear god am I nervous about the SN now though.
Please don't have the police stop me from finding peace.
That is the bare minimum I can ask for from this life still, right?

 

[venin.n]

We're all in this together

Just to be clear, this is not a goodbye thread.
I have that prepared still, for when I have done it.

Dear god am I nervous about the SN now though.
Please don't have the police stop me from finding peace.
That is the bare minimum I can ask for from this life still, right?

They won't

 

[tiger b]

Always wishing you the best.

 

[Weltall]

I'm sorry that it was refused.
Keep us updated on what happens later. Were here to support you no matter what.

 

[Rorochan_200★]

i hope whatever you end up doing goes well!!

 

[Vesiira]

so sorry everything is so difficult right now. let us know whatever happens. sending love.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel how people have to worry about other people interfering in their planning to die, despite the fact that nobody is obligated to continue existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Wow... That is a LOT of support! Lovely people...
I am so sorry.
I wish I could find good news, I really do.

I finally got thru to this helpline regarding staying in the UK, where, while it's not home, I did feel *safer*, at least - they just confirmed I have no way to stay there, either.
Oddly enough, this shock hits harder than the visa refusal.

Maybe because I was more mentally prepared for the visa?
I'm the type of person, you know, I get things right on the *second*, or third try, usually.
But then I get them right, okay.
Just an extra chance or two.

I can't potentially call them back until Monday (which would be a LONG time to stick around for in my book), to *maybe* tie up any loose questions, but it probably just doesn't matter or make a difference.
So I don't know why I feel so panicked after this call.
I even practically knew all the core info (in terms of, "yeah, no") from this call already, she just explained and confirmed it in more clear, concrete terms and... ugh
After I hung up, I felt this fear, like... "I wish we could have kept talking, please help me"

I feel like I'm suffocating, or drowning, in real time. And that's, in full irony, if I *don't* have the rope around my neck.
There is just nowhere to go, nowhere to flee, nowhere to seek safety...
Well, apart from the dream world.

I think I'll do some self-care once I reach the apartment, and try to pick up the SN to set it aside as a backup (apparently the package got to the pickup store, will have to go tomorrow though because transit long).
This may yield interesting info regarding receiving SN in Germany, btw.

What I'm thinking of doing is this - so it's full suspension hanging, yeah?
I managed to test the anchor with something half my body weight.
Holds it without issue for at least 20 minutes
What if it can't handle my full weight?
What if I have some kind of hidden (lol) monstrous strength, and in an adrenaline rush, even handcuffed and choking, I flail and the setup breaks?
Or I pass out, only to wake up on the floor, alive?
Possibly with brain damage, debilitated?
Here's where Mr. SN could be ready!
I can make a bottle or two, set it ready.
If any of the above happens, even if I sustained damage, I should be able to open a bottle (or two) and down it as a failsafe, regardless of being too weak for anything else.
Honestly, I don't even fear any of these scenarios.
The rope gets so tight, I'm convinced it'll blood choke me to la-la land.

But it's nice to feel even safer, and tbh, I need smth to do to occupy my mind right now, smth to do, smth to distract.
When we are at this point, it is too easy, for too easy, for us to fall into depression, into inaction, to languish, to suffer.
I know this, because I've gone thru it myself.
Anything that keeps the mind occupied, active, keeps you feeling productive (even if it's not really a major thing), I've found it can really help to break that bottomless pit, that cycle of an inactivity trap.

I feel bad blurting everything out like this so much, but to be honest, I'm trying to fight against the extreme pain I could be in right now, if I let everything get to me.
This space is the only one that's ever had understanding for my specific, deepest running pain and fear (confinement).
I wouldn't be shocked if these were my last writings in the real world.
I guess it's a logbook of sorts.
Impermanent, fickle data, one last tiny spark of a little existence.

Whatever the case, I must stay functional.
I must stay determined.
I have fought for survival.
I can take solace in this.
I stopped giving up too much.
I'm stronger now than I ever was before.
If I can't survive, I can be free.
Just a little bit more.
Just a little. A little bit.
If someone as cowardly as me can end up managing to fight for either freedom or genuine survival, instead of staying stuck in endless suffering...

 

[SVEN]

Just keep on hanging on in there LK, until you can't manage anymore. (Oops, just realised that I actually posted about "hanging in there" ) before I realised how inappropriate it was. I'll leave it in my post in the hope you can manage a wee smile.
So sorry you're having such a rotten, frustrating time of it.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Update: One of the SN orders arrived just fine this time!
No police issues or anything, so far.
The main difference was (same seller as the one that didn't arrive before) having it arrive at a package shop instead.

Just keep on hanging on in there LK, until you can't manage anymore. (Oops, just realised that I actually posted about "hanging in there" ) before I realised how inappropriate it was. I'll leave it in my post in the hope you can manage a wee smile.
So sorry you're having such a rotten, frustrating time of it.

No worries, I didn't even notice until you pointed it out. If anything, "hanging in there" may actually be my salvation at this point.
It could be worse. I am very privileged to at the bare minimum, still have so much access to a peaceful end.

 

[justcallmeJ]

I hope you dont touch the SN or the hanging for a long time. i just read your full story on another thread by you that was suppose to be your goodbye. You are so kind and beautiful, trans me is actually jealous of how far you come. I hope you make it safe and sound in America, and that it remains that way.
Im actually crying and feeling again after weeks of being miserable, thank you for that.
Much love and peace <3

 

[LonelyKitten]

I hope you dont touch the SN or the hanging for a long time. i just read your full story on another thread by you that was suppose to be your goodbye. You are so kind and beautiful, trans me is actually jealous of how far you come. I hope you make it safe and sound in America, and that it remains that way.
Im actually crying and feeling again after weeks of being miserable, thank you for that.
Much love and peace <3

Ahhh, no, don't make me cry again, I just managed to stop >_< still in public...

I'm sorry! I can't get back, y'know.
I was just refused a visa yesterday. Very conclusively, second time in a row.
Can't think of any way realistic back home.

But... Thank you.
Being in the US is exactly what let me get that far.
I'm glad it made you feel a little better.
Peace and love to you too.
I wish I could've survived to engage with fellow trans folks more.
Love our kind... Always ran into folks at the most unexpected places, and it brought the most lasting relations.
My best wishes go out to you!

 

[justcallmeJ]

Ahhh, no, don't make me cry again, I just managed to stop >_< still in public...

I'm sorry! I can't get back, y'know.
I was just refused a visa yesterday. Very conclusively, second time in a row.
Can't think of any way realistic back home.

But... Thank you.
Being in the US is exactly what let me get that far.
I'm glad it made you feel a little better.
Peace and love to you too.
I wish I could've survived to engage with fellow trans folks more.
Love our kind... Always ran into folks at the most unexpected places, and it brought the most lasting relations.
My best wishes go out to you!

Is there really no other way? You fought so hard for it you deserve it. You think you could maybe fight just a bit longer?

In any case you gave me my will to live back. I hope you can find it back too. But i wont judge you if you dont, you suffered and fought a lot.

But if you end up dying, just know you die as a very beautiful woman, who saved another one <3