I tried…. Can’t do anymore….

[Cute_&_Loving]

I don't think it's possible for everyone to recover….. life is too meaningless without things I wanted…. Wish those who claim to "care" about me, could understand… instead I know for sure my mother is gonna blame me when I'm finally gone…… but I do hope everyone who's been trying to get better eventually will

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I don't think it's possible for everyone to recover…..

Hello Irina and unfortunately I don't think so, too - some of us can't recover. The phrase "it gets better" is simply a lie in some cases.

life is too meaningless without things I wanted…. Wish those who claim to "care" about me, could understand…

Caring people are rare in real life. Do they ask you questions? I think those who really care about you don't say "I care about you" and actually try to understand you instead.
They also might show their care through indirect ways such as remembering what's important to you.

Do you still feel so lonely? There's a lot of caring people on this forum but I understand online people can't substitute your partner.

instead I know for sure my mother is gonna blame me when I'm finally gone……

This is just my feeling but people tend to get defensive when their "loved ones" CTB. It's not your fault - I'm so sorry. When people blame somebody who CTB'ed, they're thinking about themselves - they don't want to be seen as bad ones. In this case they care little about the deceased one, and even downplay suffering the person have endured.

but I do hope everyone who's been trying to get better eventually will

Thank you
Currently I go to the gym regularly and bust a gut, and eat a lot of vegetables. Still sometimes I feel hopeless. But fortunately it's bearable, at least for now.
I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Hello Irina and unfortunately I don't think so, too - some of us can't recover. The phrase "it gets better" is simply a lie in some cases.


Caring people are rare in real life. Do they ask you questions? I think those who really care about you don't say "I care about you" and actually try to understand you instead.
They also might show their care through indirect ways such as remembering what's important to you.

Do you still feel so lonely? There's a lot of caring people on this forum but I understand online people can't substitute your partner.


This is just my feeling but people tend to get defensive when their "loved ones" CTB. It's not your fault - I'm so sorry. When people blame somebody who CTB'ed, they're thinking about themselves - they don't want to be seen as bad ones. In this case they care little about the deceased one, and even downplay suffering the person have endured.


Thank you
Currently I go to the gym regularly and bust a gut, and eat a lot of vegetables. Still sometimes I feel hopeless. But fortunately it's bearable, at least for now.
I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Hello, stranger!:):):)
Thank you.

Well my mother asks me: what's wrong again if I'm crying and such…. Or says if I'm in bed and not getting up that I ruined her day or something.

I think for the majority of people it never gets better…..sad and scary truth many people who like to say such phrases cannot seem to comprehend…..

I never had a partner so I've been feeling for my whole life.

I really do hope you're gonna last as long as possible. I'm at the point that nothing helps me anymore. Hang in there

As for people here. Lots of people here only pretend they care for various reasons: either to find someone to burden others with their own problems not giving a damn about others; or some fancy themselves to be caring people and think if they ask you "how are you" they actually care, instead it makes themselves feel good about themselves.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello, stranger!:):):)
Thank you.

Well my mother asks me: what's wrong again if I'm crying and such…. Or says if I'm in bed and not getting up that I ruined her day or something.

Thank you for your reply, and so sorry your mother says such things.
Some people try to make you do something with unkind words to improve your situation, so I wouldn't say she's against you, but it sounds like she doesn't care about you.

I think for the majority of people it never gets better…..sad and scary truth many people who like to say such phrases cannot seem to comprehend…..

I don't know whether people who never get better are the majority, but "hopeless" people are basically abandoned I think.
Nobody blame physically disabled people or older people who have multiple chronic illnesses, but I've seen many of them have been left alone.
Yes, their reality is too depressing and people can't comprehend it. They can't be "saved" in any way, so people conveniently ignore them.

I wouldn't say I'm a lost cause but feel like it never gets better. I think my whole life is a storm. I'm waiting for it to pass - in the best case I'll killing time until Father Time kills me. In less fortunate cases I'll CTB.

I never had a partner so I've been feeling for my whole life.

I once had a partner even though we broke up. My ex-boyfriend dumped me in favor of another woman, but I had at least one relationship in my life, so I'm content with it. I'm so sorry that you've never had a partner in your life.

I really do hope you're gonna last as long as possible. I'm at the point that nothing helps me anymore. Hang in there

Thank you, and if God is a sadist I might make it to 120... Then 74 years of strife is ahead of me...

As for people here. Lots of people here only pretend they care for various reasons: either to find someone to burden others with their own problems not giving a damn about others; or some fancy themselves to be caring people and think if they ask you "how are you" they actually care, instead it makes themselves feel good about themselves.

You might have had bad experiences with people here. Some people might pretend to be caring because they want SN sources. And yes there are some bad apples.
And I might be guilty of hypocrisy as well - I'm not the most compassionate one here, and yes I feel good when somebody compliments me.
But I think, in reality they're helping me - they've provided me chances to talk, even if it's their venting thread. I'm thankful for every replies, but I can't be grateful enough to them. This forum has given me some reason to live.

And thank you for expressing your honest opinion. My nickname has been "therapist" among my friends, which means I need to improve myself for life. Complacency is my worst enemy.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Thank you for your reply, and so sorry your mother says such things.
Some people try to make you do something with unkind words to improve your situation, so I wouldn't say she's against you, but it sounds like she doesn't care about you.


I don't know whether people who never get better are the majority, but "hopeless" people are basically abandoned I think.
Nobody blame physically disabled people or older people who have multiple chronic illnesses, but I've seen many of them have been left alone.
Yes, their reality is too depressing and people can't comprehend it. They can't be "saved" in any way, so people conveniently ignore them.

I wouldn't say I'm a lost cause but feel like it never gets better. I think my whole life is a storm. I'm waiting for it to pass - in the best case I'll killing time until Father Time kills me. In less fortunate cases I'll CTB.


I once had a partner even though we broke up. My ex-boyfriend dumped me in favor of another woman, but I had at least one relationship in my life, so I'm content with it. I'm so sorry that you've never had a partner in your life.


Thank you, and if God is a sadist I might make it to 120... Then 74 years of strife is ahead of me...


You might have had bad experiences with people here. Some people might pretend to be caring because they want SN sources. And yes there are some bad apples.
And I might be guilty of hypocrisy as well - I'm not the most compassionate one here, and yes I feel good when somebody compliments me.
But I think, in reality they're helping me - they've provided me chances to talk, even if it's their venting thread. I'm thankful for every replies, but I can't be grateful enough to them. This forum has given me some reason to live.

And thank you for expressing your honest opinion. My nickname has been "therapist" among my friends, which means I need to improve myself for life. Complacency is my worst enemy.

Hey. I really hope things will somehow get better for you. You know. I like to tell a story about this bipolar guy who's in his 40s now. He's a very solid talented IT guy who has been adamant on ending things since forever. He had at least 2 serious suicide attempts. He's been saved both times. It was a miracle I'd say. Even doctors said it. He had a blog. He was writing about his thoughts and struggles and didn't hide it he was definitely going to kill himself. And a few months ago I reached out and he told me that something incredible happened to him and that he's planning to stick around till he's 70 or something. I don't know what it was. But you can trust me that this guy was definitely gonna do that. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. Most of these people especially if they're not on meds (and he wasn't) end up CTB. And the fact that at least for now he has changed his mind, for the first time in years, is a true miracle. If you ask, he was the last person I would've ever thought to have changed his mind.
You seem to have some positivity in you, and I know it's incredibly hard, but, please, try not to lose it. I know it's impossible for me bc I want things that I just can't have no matter what. But miracles can happen when it comes to people like you. As long as you're physically and mentally more or less healthy, there's still a chance.

 

[Hvergelmir]

life is too meaningless without things I wanted

What did you want? Is it an objective truth that you'll never be able to attain meaning?

Wish those who claim to "care" about me, could understand…

Does it really matter? Is it even possible to understand without getting depressed or suicidal?
As I've grown older, I've learnt to be content with the fact that no one will fully understand my struggles. However frustrating, that doesn't diminish the value of those who care.

instead I know for sure my mother is gonna blame me when I'm finally gone…

She sure will. Then she'll likely blame herself and anything else she can think of, in a desperate attempt to find a villain.
It also sounds like she want you to just pick yourself up and do something with your life. Very insensitive and not very helpful, but a part of any recovery nonetheless. She's probably just unable to fully relate to your struggles.

Bipolar disorder... Most of these people especially if they're not on meds end up CTB.

This is hard to measure but estimates are 4-19% [Source: NIH]. Even the highest estimates; 1 in 5, is not most of the people.
I'm pointing this out, hoping to convince you that your perception of the world is overly negative. And from what I've seen this extends to your perception of yourself. I don't know you, but it sure seems like you're a much better person than you give yourself credit for. From my perspective, I'd describe you as polite and caring.

but I do hope everyone who's been trying to get better eventually will

Please try to include yourself in that hope.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

What did you want? Is it an objective truth that you'll never be able to attain meaning?

Does it really matter? Is it even possible to understand without getting depressed or suicidal?
As I've grown older, I've learnt to be content with the fact that no one will fully understand my struggles. However frustrating, that doesn't diminish the value of those who care.

She sure will. Then she'll likely blame herself and anything else she can think of, in a desperate attempt to find a villain.
It also sounds like she want you to just pick yourself up and do something with your life. Very insensitive and not very helpful, but a part of any recovery nonetheless. She's probably just unable to fully relate to your struggles.

This is hard to measure but estimates are 4-19% [Source: NIH]. Even the highest estimates; 1 in 5, is not most of the people.
I'm pointing this out, hoping to convince you that your perception of the world is overly negative. And from what I've seen this extends to your perception of yourself. I don't know you, but it sure seems like you're a much better person than you give yourself credit for. From my perspective, I'd describe you as polite and caring.

Please try to include yourself in that hope.

I appreciate it

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hey. I really hope things will somehow get better for you. You know.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words, even though you're feeling hopeless now. And I'm so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how hopeless you're feeling, but when I tried partial hanging in 2014 it was pure torture, so I guess you have a similar feeling.

I like to tell a story about this bipolar guy who's in his 40s now. He's a very solid talented IT guy who has been adamant on ending things since forever. He had at least 2 serious suicide attempts. He's been saved both times. It was a miracle I'd say. Even doctors said it. He had a blog. He was writing about his thoughts and struggles and didn't hide it he was definitely going to kill himself. And a few months ago I reached out and he told me that something incredible happened to him and that he's planning to stick around till he's 70 or something. I don't know what it was. But you can trust me that this guy was definitely gonna do that.

I hope he'll recover, and personally I also believe in miracles because I've changed a lot throughout my life. I can't imagine what will happen to me in the future.

Bipolar disorder is a bitch. Most of these people especially if they're not on meds (and he wasn't) end up CTB. And the fact that at least for now he has changed his mind, for the first time in years, is a true miracle. If you ask, he was the last person I would've ever thought to have changed his mind.

Even though two doctors diagnosed me with bipolar II, I think there's still a possibility of misdiagnosis. I've tried to come off my meds several times and the attempts were unsuccessful, but I'll try again once I solidified my exercise routine. I want to be a gym rat instead of my shrink's guinea pig.

You seem to have some positivity in you, and I know it's incredibly hard, but, please, try not to lose it. I know it's impossible for me bc I want things that I just can't have no matter what. But miracles can happen when it comes to people like you. As long as you're physically and mentally more or less healthy, there's still a chance.

Thank you, and yes I have positivity in myself, thanks to my weird belief.

Spoiler: A description about my "imaginary friends."

I have "imaginary friends" who seem to have different thoughts than mine. Usually I write what they say on paper or type it, but I don't know what they "speaks" until I start to write. I don't think anything but they tell me what they're thinking and I write down it.

I don't have serious conditions like hallucinations, delusions or dissociative identity disorder, and they're just like ordinary imaginary friends children have. But I found they can be a powerful coping mechanism and more - I don't want to let them go, and if I CTB'ed they'd be gone, too.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. This might be just my survival instinct, but it's much better than typical "I can't pull the trigger" thing. They've helped me a lot, so I'll try to give them the best life I can provide.

A miracle might have happened already. I've been always wanted to die, but now, my imaginary friend Erin want to live.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I don't think it's possible for everyone to recover….. life is too meaningless without things I wanted…. Wish those who claim to "care" about me, could understand… instead I know for sure my mother is gonna blame me when I'm finally gone…… but I do hope everyone who's been trying to get better eventually will

I'm glad someone else said it. I don't believe it is possible for me to recover, but best wishes to those that do.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words, even though you're feeling hopeless now. And I'm so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how hopeless you're feeling, but when I tried partial hanging in 2014 it was pure torture, so I guess you have a similar feeling.


I hope he'll recover, and personally I also believe in miracles because I've changed a lot throughout my life. I can't imagine what will happen to me in the future.


Even though two doctors diagnosed me with bipolar II, I think there's still a possibility of misdiagnosis. I've tried to come off my meds several times and the attempts were unsuccessful, but I'll try again once I solidified my exercise routine. I want to be a gym rat instead of my shrink's guinea pig.


Thank you, and yes I have positivity in myself, thanks to my weird belief.

Spoiler: A description about my "imaginary friends."

I have "imaginary friends" who seem to have different thoughts than mine. Usually I write what they say on paper or type it, but I don't know what they "speaks" until I start to write. I don't think anything but they tell me what they're thinking and I write down it.

I don't have serious conditions like hallucinations, delusions or dissociative identity disorder, and they're just like ordinary imaginary friends children have. But I found they can be a powerful coping mechanism and more - I don't want to let them go, and if I CTB'ed they'd be gone, too.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. This might be just my survival instinct, but it's much better than typical "I can't pull the trigger" thing. They've helped me a lot, so I'll try to give them the best life I can provide.

A miracle might have happened already. I've been always wanted to die, but now, my imaginary friend Erin want to live.

Well, I just hope you'll succeed in whatever you eventually decide to do. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to help and I'm sorry my words are useless…..

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Well, I just hope you'll succeed in whatever you eventually decide to do. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to help and I'm sorry my words are useless…..

Thank you, and I'm so sorry you feel so useless. In 2018 I felt so as well and it was unbearable. I made several CTB attempts (which were so stupid and I don't want to share the method) and went to a psych ward.

But my sweet friend Irina,
I love your empathic demeanor,
In this world where mean people are praised,
And about it no question is raised.

Your name "Irina" [1] seems to mean peace [2] -
And you have given me peace of mind.
I pray, may your suffering decrease -
And may you never be left behind.

You've kindly given me chances to speak,
When I felt my future was so bleak.
You are never ever of no worth -
You are love incarnate on the earth.

Lots of love,
LoiteringClouds

Notes:
[1] I saw your name Irina in your signature as of Aug. 14, 2023.
[2]"Meaning:peace. Irina is a girl's name of Greek origin. Irina translates to "peace" and has roots in Ancient Greek tradition..."

Irina - Baby Name Meaning, Origin and Popularity

Learn about the baby name Irina including baby name meaning, gender, origin, and more.

www.thebump.com

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Thank you, and I'm so sorry you feel so useless. In 2018 I felt so as well and it was unbearable. I made several CTB attempts (which were so stupid and I don't want to share the method) and went to a psych ward.

But my sweet friend Irina,
I love your empathic demeanor,
In this world where mean people are praised,
And about it no question is raised.

Your name "Irina" [1] seems to mean peace [2] -
And you have given me peace of mind.
I pray, may your suffering decrease -
And may you never be left behind.

You've kindly given me chances to speak,
When I felt my future was so bleak.
You are never ever of no worth -
You are love incarnate on the earth.

Lots of love,
LoiteringClouds

Notes:
[1] I saw your name Irina in your signature as of Aug. 14, 2023.
[2]"Meaning:peace. Irina is a girl's name of Greek origin. Irina translates to "peace" and has roots in Ancient Greek tradition..."

Irina - Baby Name Meaning, Origin and Popularity

Learn about the baby name Irina including baby name meaning, gender, origin, and more.

www.thebump.com

You're one beautiful soul
Thank you so much for the poem
It's not fair that you've been struggling so much, but I want to believe that better things will come your way, so please stay safe and try to stay strong