TheSource
From the Divine we came, to the Divine we return.
- Sep 25, 2023
- 123
I had a friend (who we'll call Forrest) who meant everything to me. They're my favorite person and they made me feel more loved than I'd ever felt before. Everything about them is just perfect.
Their best friend (we'll call Pallas), who was basically their sister, attempted suicide. She ingested "enough Xanax to kill two grown men twice her size." The overdose put her into a coma. Forrest was distraught, and came to me for solace. I managed to calm them down the first night, but things took a worse turn the 2nd day.
"Don't worry. She'll wake up," I kept telling Forrest. I didn't know what else to tell them. I didn't know what was gonna happen if Pallas died. Pallas was a wonderful person and, as far as I knew, keeping Forrest alive. I was freaking out. If Pallas died, Forrest would die too. I'd lose two people in one swoop. Even if Forrest didn't CTB afterward, Pallas would still be dead. She's a lovely person. The world wouldn't be the same without her.
No matter what Forrest said about her dying, I kept telling them, "No. She'll wake up. She's still alive. She's going to make it. She's fighting it." I called myself remaining hopeful, but I dismissed her fears. I was too scared of what would happen if Pallas left. I refused to acknowledge it. Forrest stopped talking to me because I wasn't providing them what they needed. I was giving them false hope and being aggressive about it.
The 4th day, Forrest told me Pallas woke up. There wasn't any better news in the world. Pallas would live. Forrest would have their sister back. Everything was right with the world.
Forrest still didn't talk to me. I didn't understand why, since I was right. But they were still angry and hurt.
I'm suicidal. I have been for over a decade, and I'm only 20. I know I'm not going to make it. After seeing what Forrest went through when Pallas attempted, I couldn't put them through that again. I waited a few days to make sure everything was still fine, then sent them a 15 paragraph text about how I was right because Pallas woke up and Forrest was such a horrible friend to me. I said really nasty and cruel things.
I meant none of it. Not a single iota. They're the best person I've ever met. But I had to push them away. I couldn't make them lose another friend. And I'm going to kill myself soon. I tried several times this year on impulse – a few times throughout my life before that – but I don't want to fail again. My planning got more careful. I'm going to die. I have to. I can't continue.
I can't put them through that again. I love Forrest more than anything, so I never knew how to walk away from our friendship. Pallas attempting was a wake up call. I couldn't be in Forrest's life any more. If I couldn't walk away, I'd have to push them away. I'd have to make them hate me. I had to say something I'd never be forgiven for, so I couldn't turn back. Forrest was already upset with me, and I knew Pallas, their guardian angle, was safe. It was the perfect time. I sent the vile message.
Pallas caught the bus exactly an hour later. Liver and kidney failure.
Forrest wasn't talking to me because they knew Pallas was going to die anyway. Her organs were failing. I sent the message, and Pallas died. Pallas is dead.
I treated Forrest like shit because I thought it would keep them safe from my death. But all I did was make Pallas's death harder to deal with. And mine keeps getting post-poned due to other issues. There was no worse time to push them away. There was no worse way to push them away.
I sent them an apology message almost twice as long as the spiteful one. But after everything I did, there was no making it better. After all, I made sure to say everything I could think that would push them away forever. How would any apology fix any pain?
I regret it everyday. I dream of them every night. Either that we're still friends or that they hate me, but they're always there. I can't stop thinking of them. I can't escape what I did.
Because I made Pallas's death harder, along with a general suicide note for my family to see, I prepared a personalized note for Forrest explaining my actions. I initally wanted to avoid them finding out about my death, but they deserve to know why they were treated like that at the worst time of their life. It's not going to make anything better. They didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated them, but they deserve to know why I did.
In the letter, also I tell them how they kept me going for the last year of my life and how loved they made me feel. I tell them how to access to the rest of the money I have. They deserve everything I can give and more. They deserve the world.
There's nothing I can do to fix it. There's nothing I can do to make them feel better. Their sister is gone and the person they went to for comfort made them feel like shit. I knew the method was wrong, but I thought I was doing the right thing in the grand scheme of things.
I made their life harder. And with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm the scum of the earth.
They deserve pure and unconditional love. And I took it away from them when they needed it most.
Their best friend (we'll call Pallas), who was basically their sister, attempted suicide. She ingested "enough Xanax to kill two grown men twice her size." The overdose put her into a coma. Forrest was distraught, and came to me for solace. I managed to calm them down the first night, but things took a worse turn the 2nd day.
"Don't worry. She'll wake up," I kept telling Forrest. I didn't know what else to tell them. I didn't know what was gonna happen if Pallas died. Pallas was a wonderful person and, as far as I knew, keeping Forrest alive. I was freaking out. If Pallas died, Forrest would die too. I'd lose two people in one swoop. Even if Forrest didn't CTB afterward, Pallas would still be dead. She's a lovely person. The world wouldn't be the same without her.
No matter what Forrest said about her dying, I kept telling them, "No. She'll wake up. She's still alive. She's going to make it. She's fighting it." I called myself remaining hopeful, but I dismissed her fears. I was too scared of what would happen if Pallas left. I refused to acknowledge it. Forrest stopped talking to me because I wasn't providing them what they needed. I was giving them false hope and being aggressive about it.
The 4th day, Forrest told me Pallas woke up. There wasn't any better news in the world. Pallas would live. Forrest would have their sister back. Everything was right with the world.
Forrest still didn't talk to me. I didn't understand why, since I was right. But they were still angry and hurt.
I'm suicidal. I have been for over a decade, and I'm only 20. I know I'm not going to make it. After seeing what Forrest went through when Pallas attempted, I couldn't put them through that again. I waited a few days to make sure everything was still fine, then sent them a 15 paragraph text about how I was right because Pallas woke up and Forrest was such a horrible friend to me. I said really nasty and cruel things.
I meant none of it. Not a single iota. They're the best person I've ever met. But I had to push them away. I couldn't make them lose another friend. And I'm going to kill myself soon. I tried several times this year on impulse – a few times throughout my life before that – but I don't want to fail again. My planning got more careful. I'm going to die. I have to. I can't continue.
I can't put them through that again. I love Forrest more than anything, so I never knew how to walk away from our friendship. Pallas attempting was a wake up call. I couldn't be in Forrest's life any more. If I couldn't walk away, I'd have to push them away. I'd have to make them hate me. I had to say something I'd never be forgiven for, so I couldn't turn back. Forrest was already upset with me, and I knew Pallas, their guardian angle, was safe. It was the perfect time. I sent the vile message.
Pallas caught the bus exactly an hour later. Liver and kidney failure.
Forrest wasn't talking to me because they knew Pallas was going to die anyway. Her organs were failing. I sent the message, and Pallas died. Pallas is dead.
I treated Forrest like shit because I thought it would keep them safe from my death. But all I did was make Pallas's death harder to deal with. And mine keeps getting post-poned due to other issues. There was no worse time to push them away. There was no worse way to push them away.
I sent them an apology message almost twice as long as the spiteful one. But after everything I did, there was no making it better. After all, I made sure to say everything I could think that would push them away forever. How would any apology fix any pain?
I regret it everyday. I dream of them every night. Either that we're still friends or that they hate me, but they're always there. I can't stop thinking of them. I can't escape what I did.
Because I made Pallas's death harder, along with a general suicide note for my family to see, I prepared a personalized note for Forrest explaining my actions. I initally wanted to avoid them finding out about my death, but they deserve to know why they were treated like that at the worst time of their life. It's not going to make anything better. They didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated them, but they deserve to know why I did.
In the letter, also I tell them how they kept me going for the last year of my life and how loved they made me feel. I tell them how to access to the rest of the money I have. They deserve everything I can give and more. They deserve the world.
There's nothing I can do to fix it. There's nothing I can do to make them feel better. Their sister is gone and the person they went to for comfort made them feel like shit. I knew the method was wrong, but I thought I was doing the right thing in the grand scheme of things.
I made their life harder. And with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm the scum of the earth.
They deserve pure and unconditional love. And I took it away from them when they needed it most.
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