I tossed my SN

[stilhavinightmares]

This morning I needed to make a decision. I have been paralyzed between lying to everyone around me and not being able to drink the SN. It was really painful to toss it because it's so hard to get but I know where to get it if I decide I'm ready. I'm doing this for my loved ones but hopefully I can find it in me sometime to do it for myself. I just hope SN doesn't become inaccessible. I just couldn't keep it anymore, it was causing me more confusion and mental anguish to have in my possession in the end.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I know how it feels, as I did the same thing 1 month and a half ago, but what's happening to me is that I might buy it again. Hopefully it works out for you, I have you in my thoughts.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I know how it feels, as I did the same thing 1 month and a half ago, but what's happening to me is that I might buy it again. Hopefully it works out for you, I have you in my thoughts.

Oh I'm so sorry it's coming back that way. :(

 

[NoHorizon]

Well done. If having it is increasing your suffering, then it sounds like you made a positive step.

Having mine makes me feel a bit better knowing that an exit is available (once I've got AE etc) and as a result I've felt LESS suicidal, but I can see how it could make you feel worse and increase the chance of an impulse ctb while you're trying to recover.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Well done. If having it is increasing your suffering, then it sounds like you made a positive step.

Having mine makes me feel a bit better knowing that an exit is available (once I've got AE etc) and as a result I've felt LESS suicidal, but I can see how it could make you feel worse and increase the chance of an impulse ctb while you're trying to recover.

It made me feel better at first and for a while, but then it just made me paranoid and anxious about failure so now it's off the table for now.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

It made me feel better at first and for a while, but then it just made me paranoid and anxious about failure so now it's off the table for now.

If it helps with anything, if it makes you less anxious, following the protocol correctly leads to no failure more or less. I would say it's almost guaranteed. Nothing is for certain, but I would say it's 99% guaranteed.

 

[Kualk]

Very healthy choice, sometimes having the freedom to make a choice is worse than not being able to make the choice at all. Hope that whatever happens to you in the future you can find some peace.

 

[june]

That's so interesting

 

[William01]

This morning I needed to make a decision. I have been paralyzed between lying to everyone around me and not being able to drink the SN. It was really painful to toss it because it's so hard to get but I know where to get it if I decide I'm ready. I'm doing this for my loved ones but hopefully I can find it in me sometime to do it for myself. I just hope SN doesn't become inaccessible. I just couldn't keep it anymore, it was causing me more confusion and mental anguish to have in my possession in the end.

I can kind of relate to that the paralysed feeling. I did tell when I ordered my SN and I have the people I told believing that I disposed of it, but in reality I haven't. I feel better having it to hand.

 

[Looking]

I think I'm currently in the same boat. I really want to order SN and have it stashed away, so it's there for me when I want it - but I think the anxiety of it being in my room would stress me out too much. Making sure it's being stored properly so it doesn't get messed up, making sure that nobody else gets ahold of it for both safety and emotional reasons, and trying to make sure it's not so obvious what's inside of the bottle. I'm no chemist and I definitely wouldn't be using it for it's intended purpose, so I think it would be pretty obvious that it would be used for something "self destructive". I also think the thought of lying to my loved ones about it would make me feel too guilty.

I've been going back and forth on whether or not I want to get it. I'm afraid I'll buy it and then get rid of it right away as I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to get better with it being around - and I would've wasted my money on it. I guess after reading this post, it kind of helped me understand what I was worried about, so sorry for the random vent! I just had to express it somewhere, I guess.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I think I'm currently in the same boat. I really want to order SN and have it stashed away, so it's there for me when I want it - but I think the anxiety of it being in my room would stress me out too much. Making sure it's being stored properly so it doesn't get messed up, making sure that nobody else gets ahold of it for both safety and emotional reasons, and trying to make sure it's not so obvious what's inside of the bottle. I'm no chemist and I definitely wouldn't be using it for it's intended purpose, so I think it would be pretty obvious that it would be used for something "self destructive". I also think the thought of lying to my loved ones about it would make me feel too guilty.

I've been going back and forth on whether or not I want to get it. I'm afraid I'll buy it and then get rid of it right away as I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to get better with it being around - and I would've wasted my money on it. I guess after reading this post, it kind of helped me understand what I was worried about, so sorry for the random vent! I just had to express it somewhere, I guess.

I hear you. I'm struggling with wanting to order more but trying not to for these very reasons. It'll likely cause me intense anxiety then go to waste again. The one thing that throws a wrench in all of it is that I'm scared it will become inaccessible soon. But I can't live or recover if I'm actively planning on dying, even if it's a last resort.

 

[Saltedcoffee]

I really want to buy some just to know that I have it available in case I need it. I keep going back and forth between wanting to ctb and trying to recover

I hear you. I'm struggling with wanting to order more but trying not to for these very reasons. It'll likely cause me intense anxiety then go to waste again. The one thing that throws a wrench in all of it is that I'm scared it will become inaccessible soon. But I can't live or recover if I'm actively planning on dying, even if it's a last resort.

That's a good point not being able to recover if one is actively planning on dying. Any tips on trying to restrict planning? I feel like it's impossible to stop.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I really want to buy some just to know that I have it available in case I need it. I keep going back and forth between wanting to ctb and trying to recover

That's a good point not being able to recover if one is actively planning on dying. Any tips on trying to restrict planning? I feel like it's impossible to stop.

I think you have to actively work (really hard) to stop it, get professional help, and medications can help too. I know that when I threw out my SN, I did it because I was seeing my therapist of 7+ years that afternoon and knew I wouldn't be able to lie to her so I either needed to get rid of it or be prepared to be sent to the hospital if I didn't. Not having it helps. Having already formulated a plan helps too, because I don't need to obsess over getting everything perfect since I've already thought it out and I don't have the means to do it anyway. It's still really fucking hard though. I go to therapy all week. I have intense anxiety over possibly not having SN as an option in the future. But I feel so much relief at the same time because having it was kicking my brain into ultimate survival mode (inadvertently) and I was anxious 24/7 about it not working and enduring pain (I literally never cared about pain before) or about being caught and ruining my life with the attempt, then the guilt of hurting my loved ones and x y z so on and so on.