EmpressDean
Arcanist
- Apr 15, 2020
- 425
I took my Prozac 10mg last night night and I woke up feeling good. I've been taking different meds for the last decade. Life hasn't been good to me. But funny in a way today I felt good. I made some vegan nacho cheese. I watch a movie. I smiled and laughed with my sister.
I'm laying in my bed right now at midnight thinking about my whole life. How it's just been total shit. Constant exclusion and isolation. And I rewatched my psychiatric evaluation about my disabilities. I might never be able live independently.
That's what hurts. I can't keep a decent job. I don't have friends. My relatives don't particularly like me. And that's a big deal cuz my culture/church is really big on family. I see other people parents went further for there kids than what my parents did for me. Having a room and bed growing up, being included in BBQs, family vacations. Doing good in school. I didn't have that. I only got a bed at 15 and I was just sleeping wherever I could. I was depressed. I kept wondering why my performance infront of others to be bubbly or funny or whatever wasn't working. Looking back on it, I was totally screwed up. I didn't do a good job at all. I can't make new friends as an adult cuz I can't keep an convo going. I'm just this weirdo that stands there and can't be involved. Story of my life. It's been a sad life. A lonely one.
But today I felt good. I honestly think it's crazy that my meds are doing this to me. Especially when I have nothing going for me. And no one I can consider family besides my sister and mom. I have another sister and a dad but they don't like me. It's weird that meds can work. But they won't be able to fix my autism skills and learning disabilities. I can't keep feel good for today, but nothing will be solved. I know I have a huge hill to fight and I don't have a solution for my life. Dying is the only thing I can see that makes sense. But I feel good today??
I'm laying in my bed right now at midnight thinking about my whole life. How it's just been total shit. Constant exclusion and isolation. And I rewatched my psychiatric evaluation about my disabilities. I might never be able live independently.
That's what hurts. I can't keep a decent job. I don't have friends. My relatives don't particularly like me. And that's a big deal cuz my culture/church is really big on family. I see other people parents went further for there kids than what my parents did for me. Having a room and bed growing up, being included in BBQs, family vacations. Doing good in school. I didn't have that. I only got a bed at 15 and I was just sleeping wherever I could. I was depressed. I kept wondering why my performance infront of others to be bubbly or funny or whatever wasn't working. Looking back on it, I was totally screwed up. I didn't do a good job at all. I can't make new friends as an adult cuz I can't keep an convo going. I'm just this weirdo that stands there and can't be involved. Story of my life. It's been a sad life. A lonely one.
But today I felt good. I honestly think it's crazy that my meds are doing this to me. Especially when I have nothing going for me. And no one I can consider family besides my sister and mom. I have another sister and a dad but they don't like me. It's weird that meds can work. But they won't be able to fix my autism skills and learning disabilities. I can't keep feel good for today, but nothing will be solved. I know I have a huge hill to fight and I don't have a solution for my life. Dying is the only thing I can see that makes sense. But I feel good today??
