Venting I took a job that I hate and want out

[western_heart]

Last year I was close to killing myself. I was depressed, dealing with a lot of unprocessed trauma, living in a house with others, feeling trapped. I was unemployed, thought I'd never work again, and had just lost my car.

Now I have a job again; a friend of mine took pity on me and pushed really hard for me work with him at a tech company. My roommate has been encouraging me, and supports me in keeping this job because she likes spending my money, even as she sees how stressful it is for me.
I do not like this. I'm on call, meaning I can get woken up at any time of day. My body is tense all the time when I'm on an on call shift, I'm afraid to even take a shower or leave the house to get food. Each shift is a week long.
I feel like I haven't been adequately trained to be on call, so I'm terrified of being paged and not knowing what to do. I tend to freeze under stress. I already complained a ton about the lack of training, and fear I'll just get fired if I try to get out of being on call.

My last job, six years prior, was absolutely miserable. I was on call at that job too, and the stress got to me so bad. I was so anxious to the point where I was scared every time my phone buzzed, dissociated heavily to avoid it, and eventually became addicted to drugs and ghosted the job. I was burnt out and chose addiction and later on, dependence on my family, over suicide.

now I've jumped right back in to the same type of work, this time with even more pages. I don't want to go back to having no money. I am already in debt again so there would be consequences if I stopped working. I am neurodivergent and don't think it will be easy for me to find another job. It took a lot of hand holding for me to apply, interview, and make it a few months in to this one, and it's unlikely I will ever have such a supportive work environment again.

The stress of this job does not feel like it's worth it, and the pain of becoming broke again would be too much to bear. I am starting to make preparations. I am going to try my best to keep my plans from my roommate this time.

 

[Treeline589]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is when you are in a job you hate, yet can't quit. I don't really have any advice I can give, my experience is the same I just wanted to let you know your not alone. I hope things get better for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really stressful what you are going through. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Being under so much pressure must be horrible, I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[SpaceCadet]

I would suggest you try to keep working there, and search for another one on the side. Most of the time it's a bad idea to quit without another one lined up, speaking from experience. A shitty job is depressing but unemployed and not able to pay bills is worse. My last job made me pretty depressed too, i was drinking heavily and going shitfaced to work. Keep your head up, most of the jobs suck, but i'm sure you will find something better, you're more than your job and you have your value. Take care.

 

[juraviel]

why did you pick a job that is prone to make you stressful, especially to this degree. not everyone can handle stress equally. not sure how it's worth it for you unless the pay is very good. leave as soon as you qualify for unemployment and use that time to go to school for a different job..

 

[western_heart]

not sure how it's worth it for you unless the pay is very good.

The pay was too good to turn down, but it still doesn't feel worth it.

I am qualified to do other jobs but am terrified of applying & think it would be difficult for me to get hired at most companies. And I feel like so much of a flake and troublemaker that I'm afraid to apply for any other positions at the company I work for now.

 

[western_heart]

One of the motivating factors for me in taking this job was that I would have the money to go out in a nicer way. I have SN incoming, but I deserve something more peaceful. I should get N since I can now afford it. (Though I'm not sure of the exact cost)

I think if I go for SN, there is a much higher chance I panic and abort my attempt at the last minute. It'll still be a comfort to have SN on hand either way.

 

[TheWood]

I know what it's like to do a job you don't like, but stay for the good pay. I advise you not to quit immediately and, in the meantime, to send resumes to companies more similar to your interests. Working doing what you like relieves suffering

 

[western_heart]

My roommate doesn't want me to quit, she sees me suffering and even felt how tense my body gets, but tells me to stick with the job, even as I know I'm almost certainly going to get paged in my sleep tonight for something that I couldn't personally prevent, but my coworkers could have, if my boss did his job properly and got one of them to help me.

I would rather die than feel like this every day. 4 more nights until my shift is scheduled to end, maybe I can get out of it earlier. SN should be here tomorrow.

 

[Of The Universe]

You must be very good to get this job. Can u ask your boss for a less stressful setup? I feel for you,I have been there,and may yet again,as my cheddar is running out!

 

[western_heart]

The on call shift is perhaps tolerable after all. just over two days left. I get paged because stuff is broken, I create tickets, my coworkers fix the issues, no more pages. Not so bad.
But the stress gets to me, especially around my sleep, my roommate was keeping me up late last night, I need to go to bed early as the sun wakes me up before my alarm every day, when I tried to go to bed last night my roommate was playing video games and obnoxiously talking on the phone. Violence from the video game really stressed me out before bed and I needed emotional comfort, which I didn't get because she was still playing. I could have asked her to stop and cuddle with me. But instead I locked her out of the bedroom for like an hour, causing her to freak out. I felt bad and was up til 1am.
not a good thing to do.

maybe I can get out of it earlier. SN should be here tomorrow.

While starting to assemble a list of things I need, I realized I don't have a sufficient AE. So no, this isn't happening soon. Even if I did have an AE, I don't have the spoons to do all the other prep so quickly.

New plan - get AE, try to get N, store the things I need off site, don't rush it, if I take shortcuts there is a higher chance of something going wrong. There are still some logistical things to figure out, mostly around preventing someone from finding and stopping me.

 

[western_heart]

my on-call shift ends in a few hours. I made it. I think I handled things pretty well in terms of doing my job, but with great emotional turmoil. next shift is in 6 weeks, I think

last night there were things happening at work and I was kept out of the loop, even though I was paged, once I logged in I was told someone else was already working on it. I am glad I didn't have to actually do anything off hours, but it still made me feel left out. How am I supposed to be good at my job when I have no idea what's going on? If my coworkers won't teach me how the current systems work, how will I be able to run them if/when they leave the company?

I was feeling pretty low, not only because of work, but this set the tone for my evening. I was on ketamine, which can help unlock feelings. Part of me doesn't want to die but I ended up cuddling with my roommate and telling her that I am inclined to kill myself someday. I haven't recovered. Not from suicidality, anyway. I can hold down a job that pays well, but the stress takes its toll, I built a nice office for myself but it's in a basement with no windows, and I'm still too dysfunctional to even think about getting my own house.

I have the SN now but do not think I will use it. I deserve a peaceful death, and shouldn't rush into this. As long as work remains tolerable, I will prepare at a slow pace.

 

[SpaceCadet]

my on-call shift ends in a few hours. I made it. I think I handled things pretty well in terms of doing my job, but with great emotional turmoil. next shift is in 6 weeks, I think

last night there were things happening at work and I was kept out of the loop, even though I was paged, once I logged in I was told someone else was already working on it. I am glad I didn't have to actually do anything off hours, but it still made me feel left out. How am I supposed to be good at my job when I have no idea what's going on? If my coworkers won't teach me how the current systems work, how will I be able to run them if/when they leave the company?

I was feeling pretty low, not only because of work, but this set the tone for my evening. I was on ketamine, which can help unlock feelings. Part of me doesn't want to die but I ended up cuddling with my roommate and telling her that I am inclined to kill myself someday. I haven't recovered. Not from suicidality, anyway. I can hold down a job that pays well, but the stress takes its toll, I built a nice office for myself but it's in a basement with no windows, and I'm still too dysfunctional to even think about getting my own house.

I have the SN now but do not think I will use it. I deserve a peaceful death, and shouldn't rush into this. As long as work remains tolerable, I will prepare at a slow pace.

Great. Shouldn't be a rushed decision, maybe life you eventually turn out to be good or tolerable if you continue pushing through, good luck.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry that you are going through such hard times, do you think a new job will help? Something you never done before? Just trying to help. I know I also had shitty jobs specially office jobs full of snakes.

 

[western_heart]

After all that worry about my job performance and stress, I'm getting a promotion and a raise. It is hard for me to accept that I am actually good at my job. I think I can handle it. I was so afraid but it's not as stressful as I thought it would be.

But I still am not happy, getting a promotion when I was struggling has really fucked with my head. I still want to die. I am miserable working in the basement all day long. That's a solvable problem, I guess, moving to a place with an office / spare room with a window would make work so much tolerable. but death seems easier. Moving is going to be hard for me because of my disabilities, I have enough energy to do my desk job but my health has deteriorated over the past few years and I don't handle stress well. If I do this move, I will rely a lot on my girlfriend, who already does so much to take care of me. I can't count on my dad's help anymore, his health has deteriorated after long covid.

And of course there's no guarantee that moving would make me significantly happier. I could end up just as or even more depressed in a new home.

I am inclined to move forward with planning to die, but am not committed to killing myself just yet. There are a few things I can try to improve before/besides moving, and if I can get enough support, might just go for the move... maybe this summer.

I can't sleep, but the sleeping drugs make me open up more, so here I am in bed on SS. It's good to write out how I feel.

 

[Of The Universe]

How's that cat of yours?

 

[Disappointered]

I will never have a career let alone a fulfilling one or even a job actually. I don't know how things are going to unfold for you but I wish you all the best. My only irl friend just got fired w/o cause and it's starting to really bother me. This world is begging for terrorism and will probably get it. Fucking dirtybirds have ruined the quality of human existence. Now we're just wandering deracinated frankensteins whose only respite is to occasionally get "triggered". Should we find the mad scientists and slowly torture them to death?! Luckily the same old POS "select entitled few" and their useful idiot ass-lickers are doing just fine.

 

[western_heart]

my job continues to be stressful when I am on call. So many times, I get paged but I am powerless to take action. Website goes down, my watch buzzes, I get messages on my computer, I have to acknowledge each one, I start to investigate why the website went down just to discover that someone else is already working on the problem. There is no way I could have taken action so fast. I have not been trained in what to do, I have actually been told to NOT learn how to operate the system, yet I am still responsible for responding when the system is broken. The system has gone down twice so far today and all I can do is watch and make sure other people are working to fix it and be prepared for the next time I feel the dreaded vibration on my wrist again.

Because of the stress of these pages, I am in physical pain (cramps) and struggling to sit at my computer long enough to write this post. For about an hour I just wanted to pace around my office, now the adrenaline has worn off and I feel very tired. But the problem's not fixed, so I need to still be at my computer or at least near it / have it online.

This job isn't going to kill me directly, but if I keep doing it, I will get burnt out and not be able to work anymore. Since I first wrote this thread, I am now living in a much more expensive apartment, and I cut off my family from my life. There is no one in my life to support me besides myself. My girlfriend isn't working and isn't looking for jobs. She has also cut herself off from family despite my encouragement to keep in contact with some of them (the non abusive ones). she depends on my income and causes my expenses to be a lot higher. If I do not make enough money to pay rent we will both end up homeless.

if I am going to survive I need to get another job asap. Looking for jobs is extremely difficult for me, I only got the one I have because my friend works there and I am a diversity hire, I only have a few months worth of savings if I have to quit (or get fired) from this one. The last time I got burnt out from my job I survived only because I was able to move in with my parents while I recovered.

It is probably possible for me to make it, but I am full of resentment towards those who put me in this situation, I have already gone through so much this year. Cutting off my parents from my life was the right idea, they are the cause of the childhood trauma & resulting dissociative disorder. But my relationship with my parents only got so strained because of the actions of my girlfriend. (In fact my dad said I could still go back, but my girlfriend can't. After how my parents treated us last time I would rather die than live with them again.)

I am wondering if it is worth even trying to keep my career going. I am not learning very many transferrable skills at my job, my boss insists on things being a certain way, and tells me not to learn the things I want to learn & had me learn a programming language that no one else at the company uses & isn't really used much for the work I am actually doing. I don't know what kind of jobs I am ACTUALLY qualified for at this point. My boss is not a very good manager and when I seek support, I don't get it, I could try to get another job at the same company but the official procedure for that is for me to talk to my boss. And I don't expect that conversation to go well.

 

[come to dust]

I am in a similar situation whereby my job is too stressful. Objectively speaking it's not a stressful job, but I just cannot work anymore. It's too much

 

[Suicideorgy]

Toss some applications out there, who knows, with this job as work experience and a bit of luck you might get something. Dont wait until you quit to start throwing out applications, anything has to be better than this shit.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Last year I was close to killing myself. I was depressed, dealing with a lot of unprocessed trauma, living in a house with others, feeling trapped. I was unemployed, thought I'd never work again, and had just lost my car.

Now I have a job again; a friend of mine took pity on me and pushed really hard for me work with him at a tech company. My roommate has been encouraging me, and supports me in keeping this job because she likes spending my money, even as she sees how stressful it is for me.
I do not like this. I'm on call, meaning I can get woken up at any time of day. My body is tense all the time when I'm on an on call shift, I'm afraid to even take a shower or leave the house to get food. Each shift is a week long.
I feel like I haven't been adequately trained to be on call, so I'm terrified of being paged and not knowing what to do. I tend to freeze under stress. I already complained a ton about the lack of training, and fear I'll just get fired if I try to get out of being on call.

My last job, six years prior, was absolutely miserable. I was on call at that job too, and the stress got to me so bad. I was so anxious to the point where I was scared every time my phone buzzed, dissociated heavily to avoid it, and eventually became addicted to drugs and ghosted the job. I was burnt out and chose addiction and later on, dependence on my family, over suicide.

now I've jumped right back in to the same type of work, this time with even more pages. I don't want to go back to having no money. I am already in debt again so there would be consequences if I stopped working. I am neurodivergent and don't think it will be easy for me to find another job. It took a lot of hand holding for me to apply, interview, and make it a few months in to this one, and it's unlikely I will ever have such a supportive work environment again.

The stress of this job does not feel like it's worth it, and the pain of becoming broke again would be too much to bear. I am starting to make preparations. I am going to try my best to keep my plans from my roommate this time.

Sorry about the new job stress. I understand how that can feel. I was a car salesman and basically was on call at all times with clients emailing and calling even on my days off, so I would have to go in at any time.

What is your method?

 

[western_heart]

What is your method?

not yet determined

I have SN but it has already been opened (3 months ago) and I think this would be a very hard method for me to use regardless. The more I read about it the more unpleasant it sounds.

With my job I can afford something like N but there doesn't seem to be a reliable source at this moment. I will probably mix a few depressants. I have to find out what drugs are actually available to me, but I think I can come up with a cocktail that is sufficiently lethal without being too harmful if I survive the attempt. (Thinking something along the lines of opioid+GHB+benzo, haven't assessed feasibility yet)
In the meantime, I intend to make other preparations. I told my girlfriend that I will be making her the beneficiary on some of my accounts next week.

This is all assuming that I am unable to improve my work circumstances. If I can make my job less stressful or get another one, I will try to hold on to life a bit longer. I am going to plan my suicide in parallel with trying to fix my career. For insurance reasons it's ideal for me to attempt while I still have a job (whether it's at my current company or another, the places I'd work for tend to have good benefits).

 

[The Abyss]

We exist just to do shit we hate for money to spend on crap & simply existing. There is a better way but it's not beneficial for the parasites leeching off everyone; so self sufficient communities are not glamorised.

 

[western_heart]

I am currently on call. Three weeks ago I told myself I'd get out of this shift, but I didn't even try. I told my boss I was burnt out but didn't discuss the possibility of having someone cover for me. I don't know how to proceed, I am afraid to say I can't handle being on call, what if I get fired?

Yesterday afternoon I got the SN out. I broke the seal during an attempt in April so it's already been exposed. Took the lid off and peeked inside. I put the lid back on, instead of putting it back in the cabinet, I put it in a bag that I can see it from my desk.

Since my shift started on Thursday I have scream-cried multiple times. I'm sure I've done this before in my life but it was a LONG time ago. My body cramps up whenever I get a page. The weekend was quiet but they started coming yesterday afternoon. Last night my partner tried to take me on a walk, the sunset was very pretty, but I couldn't get that far. I panicked and and turned around before I got to a good viewing spot (I rarely turn around on walks, I try to go in a circle if I can), walked in the back (I almost always go through the front door, it's a bit longer of a walk but no need to step on grass). then grabbed my favorite blanket, got in bed, covered my face with it and started screaming.

told my girlfriend that I will be making her the beneficiary on some of my accounts next week.

We haven't done this yet.

I talk about wanting to die multiple times a day, but didn't tell her about the SN. idk if she remembers that I have it.