I threw my life underneath a bus

[nextstepdeath]

Over 10 years ago. Didn't need to. I've lost my life. Everything has gone wrong. I went from every colour under the sun to black and white. Tried to kill myself in 2022. Tried to keep going but life is never coming back. I have been slowly dying, slowing decaying, draining away. New meds are kicking in, I feel they will help me make an attempt. Not sure if I should overdose, hang, use SN I have. Don't want to be impulsive, just want to find a way out. Hurting all the time. So much pain, please take it away.
I fucked up what I could have had. There is no coming back from losing everything. I am falling down. Nothing is achievable when you destroy yourself. You can't put yourself back together. I am slowly going down. When my brain feels the edge of the wheel I will pass out. I have died. But I haven't killed myself. Need to kill myself.

 

[Davey40210]

Sorry to hear that OP. Life is so hard..

 

[nextstepdeath]

I needed someone. Couldn't get them. I had no sense of self. Tried to get to something, needed to do things to feel better to figure it out. Needed to feel secure to work at something. Couldn't get secure with anyone. Wasn't secure in where I was full stop. Internally don't feel any foundation. Falling over myself. Things make more sense. Finding it easier to die. Shooting pain. Unbearable pain. My head is boiling in pain. Will never be helped, will never be saved, will never overcome this alive. Need to die.

 

[LapseInTime]

I too feel "gone", like my actual self died and I'm merely a husk. That I am not "me", "I" died a while ago, that person is not coming back... Whatever's left is just remains. It is horrible, mourning for yourself, wondering if and what's left of you. Its brutal. Don't feel alone.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I'm so sorry I hope you find peace

 

[nextstepdeath]

Feeling clearer. Working at it more and more. No foundation, never felt stability, never developed ground, never felt supported by people. Never felt I could just go to someone. Never felt I could be at one, never felt like I was part of something, never felt i knew my place in where I was, never felt like someone was around, everyone I ever looked for was never there. At least I tried to reach out, a lot of people can't. I had no choice. I reached out and still, no one came through. People came close. I don't totally blame some people for the separation, the glass walls. But I feel dead now. Ready to die.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Community. A word that makes quite a lot of sense. I have been brought to my knees in various places as people impose their moral high ground, self righteousness on me. Funny how a lot of communities turn a blind eye and protect their own when it matters. Communities at war it seems. Religion never died, it just broke down and people dissolved into their own little communities. Still wield power like any religion or cult does though. Either way, I never found my so called community. But as I tried to, I got completely battered by them as I went against them and broke the rules. My community mental health will not stop me killing myself.