I thought that you were supposed to feel happy as you near your bus date

[Godofdeathftw]

I've planned for sometime next week, though I'm not sure what day. Maybe it's because I don't have a specific day to look forward to, but I feel more depressed than ever. I've read so many accounts of other people feeling happy after deciding they'll ctb. What am I doing wrong? Is a part of me just desperately hanging on?

 

[Boochky]

Setting a date has always upset me. I just keep extending it, but I won't be able to forever. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Hang in there.

 

[darkworld15]

Could be the way you view death.? I think something wonderful happens afterward because of all the near death experiences reported by trustworthy sources--nurses, doctors, a couple of my friends. I felt very relieved and peaceful when I got serious about ctb.

Some people expect nothing to happen next and they're just relieved to be done with their problems.......If you're scared something bad will happen to you that could be why.

Or are u sad about some things you're leaving behind?

 

[Zal]

It could also be because of the fear of unknown. I know that when I received my rope, I was happy enough that I finally have a method to exit, though I delayed it for 2 to 4 years or so, only to decide to use SN instead thanks to this forum.
Either way, people react differently to the same circumstances.

 

[Blackjack]

The exact opposite has happened for me...abject terror, wicked panic attacks.

 

[alexithymia]

You're not doing anything wrong. I think there are many people (myself included) who would feel more depressed than ever if a specific, concrete date was chosen.

I won't tell you whether to go or stay because that's not what people come to this forum for. All I'll say is that you can commiserate with us here as much as you want. We're here for you.

The exact opposite has happened for me...abject terror, wicked panic attacks.

This seems like the type of response I'd have as well. Death is terrifying.

 

[SinisterKid]

I am not sure I have read about many members being "Happy" they have a method and date, more that they feel calm and at peace with their decision. I am not happy at the thought of taking my own life, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.

I dont set dates or time limits, death is pretty damned final and there is no rush to enter into it for myself. I will know and accept when the time has arrived, that could be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. But it is inevitable. So dont be afraid to postpone indefinitely, nothing is set in stone, if the time does not feel right, then its perfectly ok. Dont put added pressure on yourself unless you have good reason to do so.

 

[LastFlowers]

I don't feel happy about it. It's just the lesser of two evils for me.

 

[Elias]

You could feel more serene knowing your pain is about to end, but feeling happy sounds like a stretch. I definitely feel more "relaxed", less agitated since I've accepted my fate. Got the method ready, it's just a matter of feeling ready, so I don't feel the need to worry about my life more than a couple weeks in advance. Feels liberating I'd say, like a weight's lifted.

 

[Godofdeathftw]

Thanks for all the kind responses people. I think a part of it is I'm scared deep down, but on the surface level I know I shouldn't be. The only thing that I feel is making me want to live now is to lose my virginity, but that's just my mind making an excuse, and I won't want to lose my virginity when I'm dead, so whatever. I'm starting to accept that I'll never be able to fully suppress the part of me which doesn't want to die. That's just how our brains are wired by evolution.

You could feel more serene knowing your pain is about to end, but feeling happy sounds like a stretch. I definitely feel more "relaxed", less agitated since I've accepted my fate. Got the method ready, it's just a matter of feeling ready, so I don't feel the need to worry about my life more than a couple weeks in advance. Feels liberating I'd say, like a weight's lifted.

I can't totally let go of the stresses in my life, because I don't want my friends and family to become suspicious that something so up

 

[LonelyCarioca]

I totally get this feeling OP. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace when I determined my method and got my supplies all in order. However, since I'm doing SN with the 48 hour meto regime, I unfortunately had to set a date. Meto was a challenge to get and I'm not going to let it go to waste. I think doing that has made me more anxious about it. Im definitely haven't experienced this happiness. If anything, I'm more on edge about everything.

I don't have doubts about my choice to ctb. It's honestly what's best for myself, and I really need to start thinking about what's best for myself instead of others for once in my life. I think I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I felt happy when I got my SN but got really depressed and scared when I set my date because I don't really want to do it. I want to be cured of my health problems and live a happy life. But life has never given me any good choices. I have always had to choose between a really bad option and an even worse option and I guess that's never gonna change.

 

[Trainwreck]

The exact opposite has happened for me...abject terror, wicked panic attacks.

Yeah, I'm not happy, just scared that something will go wrong and I'll live. It also makes me sad that my parents will be really upset, and that they'll have to deal with the stigma. I'm not particularly concerned about an afterlife though. I kind of think that when you're dead you're dead, and I'm okay with that.

 

[Godofdeathftw]

I totally get this feeling OP. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace when I determined my method and got my supplies all in order. However, since I'm doing SN with the 48 hour meto regime, I unfortunately had to set a date. Meto was a challenge to get and I'm not going to let it go to waste. I think doing that has made me more anxious about it. Im definitely haven't experienced this happiness. If anything, I'm more on edge about everything.

I don't have doubts about my choice to ctb. It's honestly what's best for myself, and I really need to start thinking about what's best for myself instead of others for once in my life. I think I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

I too have a bunch of stuff I'm reminding myself. Some shit just happened like 30 minutes ago, and I wish I had my SN right now. Even if I don't ctb on the date I scheduled, I have no doubt people in life will throw something at me that pushes me over the edge

 

[Dawn0071111]

I felt happy when I got my SN but got really depressed and scared when I set my date because I don't really want to do it. I want to be cured of my health problems and live a happy life. But life has never given me any good choices. I have always had to choose between a really bad option and an even worse option and I guess that's never gonna change.

I hear ya .. its like bad or worse... its not a real choice if its under duress imo.