I thought staying away would help...

[CuddleHug]

Hello, SS. Some of you might recognise me, others most likely will not. I can't remember when I stopped logging in, but I think it was almost two months ago. One and a half, maybe. I did not plan to disappear, it was just one of those desperate attempts at eliminating things that could affect my recovery negatively. At first I said "one week", and when that went okay, I told myself "two weeks", and then when I eventually passed a month, it felt pointless to return.

In the end, I concluded that being here is neither good, nor bad for me. At first I missed it, then I got used to not thinking about whatever was going on here and now apparently I am back again. Who knows why. Honestly, I am just feeling incredibly lonely and... empty. I'm trying desperately to find meaning in anything I do, but it all feels so pointless.

I guess that's why I decided to return, to fill that void a bit. I know people here understand what I'm going through, and maybe even care about me in some weird way. Most of all, I know I can write out my thoughts and not get judged for it. My friends and family can only take so much.

I hope that you are all doing okay and that you are making progress in whatever you are currently working on.

Lots of hugs, cuddles and love

 

[Ghost2211]

Welcome back. I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. Hopefully being back with a supportive community helps.

 

[Brackenshire]

Glad yr back

 

[AfraidofEverything]

I stopped logging in 2 months ago too and came back the same time. It's strange it felt like longer until I checked. Thought I was making progress but here I am.

I think having others does help and having an out feels empowering for me, it's at least something.

Hope you feel better, we're here for you either way :)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Welcome back @CuddleHug though I'm sorry you have to find yourself here again.

 

[CuddleHug]

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I got a message from my psychologist saying that due to stricter rules regarding COVID-19 safety measures, she won't be able to see me in person anymore. I was already exempt due to my strong phone anxiety, but cases have been going up here and she was forced from higher up to cancel all physical appointments.

Today, I should have had my weekly session, but instead had to wait for her phone call. I honestly considered not answering to show how upset I am about this new arrangement, but I pushed myself to pick up. I am very glad I did. I wasn't able to talk long and my hands were shaking the whole time, but she understood and listened to my concerns. She said she had already planned to talk to her boss and try to convince them to make an exception for me, so that I can continue to see her in person.

I'm trying not to feel selfish for asking for this. I understand why they have to implement these changes, but having a physical appointment is more than just a therapy session for me. It's the only time I leave my apartment in the week, which is huge in itself. I also get a chance to buy groceries or go to the pharmacy, or even buy takeaway or visit a bakery for fresh bread. All these things I plan into the trip to see my therapist. Seriously, it's basically the only thing that keeps me together right now.

Not sure what I really wanted to say with this, but it feels good to write it out anyhow. I'm so relieved my psychologist understands me and will try to find a solution that works for me. I hope they can arrange something, otherwise I'll be without therapy and that won't end well.

 

[Niftypoint124]

I'm trying not to feel selfish for asking for this. I understand why they have to implement these changes, but having a physical appointment is more than just a therapy session for me. It's the only time I leave my apartment in the week, which is huge in itself. I also get a chance to buy groceries or go to the pharmacy, or even buy takeaway or visit a bakery for fresh bread. All these things I plan into the trip to see my therapist. Seriously, it's basically the only thing that keeps me together right now.

Not sure what I really wanted to say with this, but it feels good to write it out anyhow. I'm so relieved my psychologist understands me and will try to find a solution that works for me. I hope they can arrange something, otherwise I'll be without therapy and that won't end well.

Allow me to reinforce that you are not being selfish - you are paying attention to your needs so that you can take care of yourself! I'm so glad you did pick up the phone when your psychologist called, even if you didn't want to. It sounds like she really gets you and your needs.

Would it be possible for you to do therapy via webcam? I know it's not getting out of your house, or putting you in contact with a person you trust IRL on a weekly basis, but it might be helpful to have the option right now as a midway between having to answer a phone and being able to make eye contact while speaking with your psych.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I got a message from my psychologist saying that due to stricter rules regarding COVID-19 safety measures, she won't be able to see me in person anymore. I was already exempt due to my strong phone anxiety, but cases have been going up here and she was forced from higher up to cancel all physical appointments.

Today, I should have had my weekly session, but instead had to wait for her phone call. I honestly considered not answering to show how upset I am about this new arrangement, but I pushed myself to pick up. I am very glad I did. I wasn't able to talk long and my hands were shaking the whole time, but she understood and listened to my concerns. She said she had already planned to talk to her boss and try to convince them to make an exception for me, so that I can continue to see her in person.

I'm trying not to feel selfish for asking for this. I understand why they have to implement these changes, but having a physical appointment is more than just a therapy session for me. It's the only time I leave my apartment in the week, which is huge in itself. I also get a chance to buy groceries or go to the pharmacy, or even buy takeaway or visit a bakery for fresh bread. All these things I plan into the trip to see my therapist. Seriously, it's basically the only thing that keeps me together right now.

Not sure what I really wanted to say with this, but it feels good to write it out anyhow. I'm so relieved my psychologist understands me and will try to find a solution that works for me. I hope they can arrange something, otherwise I'll be without therapy and that won't end well.

Not being selfish at all, just trying to survive and look after yourself. It's really good you have a professional that cares and is in your corner, even if she does have to fight the system she is part of. I think that is actually quite rare. Fingers crossed you get what you need.

 

[CuddleHug]

Fingers crossed you get what you need.

Thank you, it worked! Got a message this morning from her. They've allowed me to come in person again starting from next week. I want to say I'm happy or relieved, but I'm not feeling anything (as usual). At least I know my therapist is on my side and does everything in her power to help me. I'm lucky to have her.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you, it worked! Got a message this morning from her. They've allowed me to come in person again starting from next week. I want to say I'm happy or relieved, but I'm not feeling anything (as usual). At least I know my therapist is on my side and does everything in her power to help me. I'm lucky to have her.

That's brilliant news! You are lucky to have her indeed. Sorry you can't feel it, maybe you will allow me to feel a little bit happy for you?

 

[muffin222]

Welcome back I don't know you, but I care about you, and I sincerely hope that being back on the forum aids you in feeling less alone. I'm proud of you for committing to recovery- it's very brave

 

[Cashewmilk]

Yeah I left for a bit too... not on purpose, I was just really into something else for a while, I was having an existential crisis again. I have a few of those per year, so I would get into a topic and go crazy and learn all about it, get obsessed with it, hate it and fight with it, and slowly just stop bothering with it. Last year it was veganism, and antinatalism, this time it was my old religion, even though I put it to rest 12 years ago when I became an atheist, my family member tried to debate with me about silly religious nonsense and I told him I'd go online and find some debunking. But then I got obsessed again, and now I'm so much more informed about it which is a good thing. I'm still really interested and get heated about it, but not as much as before. I'm also trying to get back into my artwork again but it's tough because everyone wants me to make money from it, but I can't. I'm not good enough and it's just a hobby to make me happy.