Venting I think we're always going to be broken, no matter what.

[nixxeekes]

Hey. This is my first thread on here. I needed to vent. Sorry in advance if my english has any mistakes. Btw, I still don't understand much about SS' lingo.

Shit is rough lately. My personal life has been in shambles for too long now. I've always had suicidal ideations, and to be honest I don't quite remember what it felt to be and feel normal; that's why my thread's title: "I think we're always going to be broken, no matter what". After all the trauma I went through, I'll never be what I used to be again. The worst part of this is that I don't even know what I used to be; this fucking bullshit started when I was a kid. So it's not like I'll never be me again, the real 'me' is... Whatever the fuck this is. I'll never escape the trauma and the misery and all the broken glass my whole self is. The only solution is dying.

I tried everything to get better, really. But I came to the conclusion that I'm just not made to live. I don't like any of this. I might get a bit depressive from time to time, however, to be completely honest, I don't feel anything anymore. Everyday is the same. There's nothing that I enjoy and I usually try to numb or distract myself in order to... Not feel, I guess? Therapy is extremely expensive, too. So basically I'm fucking trapped in this flesh cage and it's driving me insane.

I will kill myself, there's no doubt I will. I don't have a method yet, I just think I need something fast; doesn't even matter if it hurts. If it's not fast, I'm afraid I might have second thoughts at the very last moment. There's a lot of stuff that's stopping me from commiting, like the mere idea of leaving my body in this world. I think the only way I could die with no worries would be if I jump into a vat of acid or something. Another thing that stops me is my digital life. I'm planning on deleting every single internet acc I own, including emails and stuff. But I never seem to have the courage to delete everything. It feels as if my inner self is sure I won't kill myself so that's why I'm taking so long to decide.

If anyone has some advice, or actually anything to say, please do. I have a hard time finding people that won't judge me for this.

 

[Idiotic]

Dude, I will start off by saying that you described how I have been feeling in almost exact words man. I've been on and off deleting accounts and photos and shit for some time, Because inside of me there's a battle always saying wether I should kill myself but I still get too much anxiety about actually doing it so that's also something that drives me insane too
This site is a blessing for finding the same type of minds to be honest and I just signed up
I hear you man I really do. Browsing the threads can also suggest some methods if you want to dive into that and I can hope that one of these days we all find peace from outside of this hell.

 

[jodes2]

Don't delete your internet accounts, it's not worth it, things will sort themselves out once you're gone. Don't throw things away while you're still around.

I'm sorry about your indecision about ctb and how that could result in you backing out, that's tough. I would have suggested SN otherwise, but it's 30 minutes of unpleasantness before you pass out, plenty of time and reason to back out and be saved. Maybe instead you could inject a lethal amount of heroin? That would be very quick, you might even die with the needle in your arm.

Try getting your post count in the games area so you can PM users and search the site

I'm sure I'm always going to be broken, I don't get enjoyment out of anything

 

[nixxeekes]

Dude, I will start off by saying that you described how I have been feeling in almost exact words man. I've been on and off deleting accounts and photos and shit for some time, Because inside of me there's a battle always saying wether I should kill myself but I still get too much anxiety about actually doing it so that's also something that drives me insane too
This site is a blessing for finding the same type of minds to be honest and I just signed up
I hear you man I really do. Browsing the threads can also suggest some methods if you want to dive into that and I can hope that one of these days we all find peace from outside of this hell.

Signed up a month ago and felt the same. I'm glad I found this place, sometimes the anxiety you described feels too much to handle it alone.

Wish you find peace too someday, man. Thanks a lot for the comment.

Don't delete your internet accounts, it's not worth it, things will sort themselves out once you're gone. Don't throw things away while you're still around.

I'm sorry about your indecision about ctb and how that could result in you backing out, that's tough. I would have suggested SN otherwise, but it's 30 minutes of unpleasantness before you pass out, plenty of time and reason to back out and be saved. Maybe instead you could inject a lethal amount of heroin? That would be very quick, you might even die with the needle in your arm.

Try getting your post count in the games area so you can PM users and search the site

I'm sure I'm always going to be broken, I don't get enjoyment out of anything

I tried to intoxicate myself with rubbing alcohol and after drinking a whole bottle, I chickened out and ended up vomiting everything. If I get SN, I'll probably do the same, unfortunately. That's why I discarded the idea. Regarding heroin, in my country it literally doesn't exist for some reason. Besides I wouldn't know where to get it bc I've never tried any drugs.

Btw, what do you mean with getting my post count in the games area? I'm sorry, I don't understand. I'm still getting used to the site.

I'm sorry you're broken too. Thanks a lot for the comment, I appreciate it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not being meant for living. Maybe that's just the way that some people are. I simply prefer the sound of non existence, I see no benefit to enduring all this suffering all for the sake of it. It's so horrible being trapped in this human body and there really does seem to be no relief from misery in a life like this. I wish you the best.

 

[jodes2]

Signed up a month ago and felt the same. I'm glad I found this place, sometimes the anxiety you described feels too much to handle it alone.

Wish you find peace too someday, man. Thanks a lot for the comment.

I tried to intoxicate myself with rubbing alcohol and after drinking a whole bottle, I chickened out and ended up vomiting everything. If I get SN, I'll probably do the same, unfortunately. That's why I discarded the idea. Regarding heroin, in my country it literally doesn't exist for some reason. Besides I wouldn't know where to get it bc I've never tried any drugs.

Btw, what do you mean with getting my post count in the games area? I'm sorry, I don't understand. I'm still getting used to the site.

I'm sorry you're broken too. Thanks a lot for the comment, I appreciate it.

This site has a sub forum called "off-topic", and if you go there, within it is another sub-forum, "games". There are threads in there you can reply to to quickly increase your post count. At the moment your post count is 2, I think you need to get it up to 50 or 100 to enable private messages and the search function, maybe someone else can correct me and say exactly how many posts you need. Hope this explained it better for you

 

[nixxeekes]

I also see myself as not being meant for living. Maybe that's just the way that some people are. I simply prefer the sound of non existence, I see no benefit to enduring all this suffering all for the sake of it. It's so horrible being trapped in this human body and there really does seem to be no relief from misery in a life like this. I wish you the best.

This is exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks. I wish you the best too.

This site has a sub forum called "off-topic", and if you go there, within it is another sub-forum, "games". There are threads in there you can reply to to quickly increase your post count. At the moment your post count is 2, I think you need to get it up to 50 or 100 to enable private messages and the search function, maybe someone else can correct me and say exactly how many posts you need. Hope this explained it better for you

Oh, I get it now. Thanks! I'll give it a try.

 

[Everlong]

Yep, I've done the email thing too. Wiped the phone. I had intervention. I feel different now. I was reaching out without asking for help directly.
I plan to use SN which is in transit. The idea of puking fir a last ditch effort to live is a concern. Although you're taking way more than it takes to do the job. You may hold down enough.
I'm rolling off of a kayak for insurance. Pass out and the water can race the poison to kill me.
I've toyed with the idea of straight drowning for my loved ones sake. Like an accident. If you breathe in deep, you're going to die. The throat locks up and that's it. People have drowned hours later after being saved. The water in the lungs gets you. I don't recommend getting saved.
30-60 seconds of panic seems a fair trade to end 46 years of mental torture.
Good luck with your endeavors. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. All if us.

 

[theboy]

My soul is so broken that even if I am happy, nothing will ever be the same again.

 

[makethepainstop]

I know such feelings better than I can say. I understand where you are coming from. I wish I was there and could give you a five minute long hug.

 

[mojabaka]

For me it's a bit different. If I could recover from my vaccine injury I would immediately stop thinking about suicide and go back to my old life. But after being disabled for 15 months, it's clear that my life is over.