Venting I think tomorrow is the day for me

[returner]

So I've been waiting and thinking about this for a long time now. Looked into SN to no luck, having an order cancelled from SD after thinking I'd found my ticket and having no luck since then. I've thought about jumping but the videos I've seen of what it does to the body is enough to make me not want that for anyone to see. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, I attempted overdosing on alcohol and multiple medications only to be saved and hospitalised. I have an extremely loving family and I hate to do this to them but I just do not have the will to fight this anymore. The world we live in is far too complicated and the amount of people that are fucked up living in it only make it worse. any bonds I make outside of family inevitably end in disaster whether it's my fault or there's. The world we live in is just soo unnecessarily complicated and broken. I have been researching fsh for a while as a method and although it doesn't always work out to be painless I think I'm just going to risk it tomorrow and take the step. I haven't got any specific rope but have a very sturdy anchor point and place in mind at home in an old mechanics shed. Best I've found for attempts are some cable and if that fails I have an extremely long sturdy scarf. I've seen people do it with less and even if I was to get all the right materials there's still no guarantee so I'm just going to go for it hoping SI isn't too much of an issue will probably drink a tonne of Jack Daniels whilst stood there with the noose around my neck and hope I just fall into it. I just feel awful about what this will do to my family. I've written notes explaining that nobody could've stopped this from happening and it's just something I need to do to escape the misery that is life.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

Man, i hate that people have to feel this way. I wish i could stop it.
Do you wanna tell me about how its started and what led you here?
Im not going to try to change your mind, its clear more qualified people couldn't.
But if you are going to go, id like to know about you. I'll share your despair, We can rage at the world together.
If you want that is.
My stop is scheduled early next year, and nobody can stop me either.
Though someone reached out to me online, and even though they wont convince me, it felt good to speak to someone so openly about it.
And it felt good to feel like someone cared despite everything.

 

[returner]

Man, i hate that people have to feel this way. I wish i could stop it.
Do you wanna tell me about how its started and what led you here?
Im not going to try to change your mind, its clear more qualified people couldn't.
But if you are going to go, id like to know about you. I'll share your despair, We can rage at the world together.
If you want that is.
My stop is scheduled early next year, and nobody can stop me either.
Though someone reached out to me online, and even though they wont convince me, it felt good to speak to someone so openly about it.
And it felt good to feel like someone cared despite everything.

I appreciate it, but honestly I've spoken about things enough, just genuinely don't feel like I'm meant for this world. It's too much and I'm too emotional about things. people these days just aren't like that and it makes everything too complicated, there's just too much nonsense and craziness in today's society. I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

My stop is scheduled early next year, and nobody can stop me either.

I think I have to live through the winter due to certain responsibilities I have. It would affect a lot of other people if I didn't. Maybe setting a date will help me actually go through with ctb. I keep thinking, "Maybe tomorrow, maybe this weekend," then not following through. Which is kind of how I've lived my whole life, come to think of it.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

I appreciate it, but honestly I've spoken about things enough, just genuinely don't feel like I'm meant for this world. It's too much and I'm too emotional about things. people these days just aren't like that and it makes everything too complicated, there's just too much nonsense and craziness in today's society. I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Yeah, i get it. I can lose my mind over trivial matters to anyone else. When i feel like someone dislikes me it feels like the end of the world. Whenever i observe how society reacts and treats its own, it feels like a free for all warfare, like there is no nuance no understanding, no forgiveness, no kindness without something in return. Ive said i want no part of it. So, I understand, I just wish i couldve helped you more. I hate that good people like you are left to rot and die like this. I wish you eternal peace.

I think I have to live through the winter due to certain responsibilities I have. It would affect a lot of other people if I didn't. Maybe setting a date will help me actually go through with ctb. I keep thinking, "Maybe tomorrow, maybe this weekend," then not following through. Which is kind of how I've lived my whole life, come to think of it.

Yeah, its kinda difficult to go against everything your biology stands for, which is to stay alive. But its also impossible to expect people like us to keep on living in this barren wasteland, where the imperfect get left behind and exiled. For me , i found a date with meaning. next year i will hit my golden birthday. so it'll be a pretty clean tombstone 20/01/06- 20/01/26. so i figure that should be the date. I dont get to leave my teens as i rightfully shouldnt but i also maximized the time i had, and I would've tried to make amends for my existence until that date arrives.

 

[1mm0lat3]

I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do. I agree with the world being too complicated and fucked up. It's absolute chaos. I've never felt like I belong here on this life. Everything just leads to disaster tbh.

 

[returner]

Yeah, i get it. I can lose my mind over trivial matters to anyone else. When i feel like someone dislikes me it feels like the end of the world. Whenever i observe how society reacts and treats its own, it feels like a free for all warfare, like there is no nuance no understanding, no forgiveness, no kindness without something in return. Ive said i want no part of it. So, I understand, I just wish i couldve helped you more. I hate that good people like you are left to rot and die like this. I wish you eternal peace.

Thank you for your kindness and I agree with everything you said, I don't actually see myself as a bad person at all, if anything I think that I'm too kind and empathetic etc, those traits that are seen as making 'good' people just don't fit in this world anymore. I wish you all the best too as I do for everyone, majority of people are just too fucked up and selfish etc these days. Makes people like me end up as a doormat but I wouldn't want to change who I am to fit, but definitely not strong enough to keep being treated so poorly. Good luck to you.