It's_Classified
New Member
- Oct 23, 2023
- 1
I'm going into 2024 with the realisation that ctb is the best thing I can do for myself.
The last part of 2023 was the most content I had been for years - ever since my depression and anxiety worsened. I started a relationship with my crush of two years, I found myself able to talk and socialise more freely and it seemed like after months my antidepressants were finally working. But over the past few days things have gotten worse; like it always does. Not becuase of any external factor, simply because I was existing I fell back into dispair. Not just apathy. Dispair, physical pain. It's as though I'm just not supposed to be okay.
I'm well aware that my depression gets better periodically and many people have been quick to say that due to this I have to keep suffering and going on - 'because the light at the end of the tunnel is worth it'. What they don't understand - or care to aknowledge - is that my depression gets better, so it gets worse. Every single time it gets worse and worse. I feel myself becoming happier and it fills me with a dread knowing that eventually the dispair and pain will come flooding back. The idea of suffering through the lows of my life only for the sparse and short-lived highs is the equivalent of a drug addict continuing their addiction and the detrimental effects of it becuase of the occasional high they get as a result. And in the same way it's an arduous effort to stop the cycle but in the end stopping the addiction, or in this case ctb, is the best option for me.
I have no idea how I'm going to do this but knowing my obsessive and diligent nature I'll have made hundreds of pros and cons lists, folders, files and documents to figure that out by the end of the year. I also would gratefully welcome any suggestions or advice since I've never considered ctb this seriously before and it all seems incredibly daunting. Everything in my life feels so unfinished and messy which is why I'm planning this for the end of 2024. I want to be largely forgotten, the people I care about to know what happened, my work and the things I've accomplished neatly given their own place and to feel at peace in the last days of my life.
This probably won't be my last post on this forum so hey :) despite the dark nature of this introduction.
The last part of 2023 was the most content I had been for years - ever since my depression and anxiety worsened. I started a relationship with my crush of two years, I found myself able to talk and socialise more freely and it seemed like after months my antidepressants were finally working. But over the past few days things have gotten worse; like it always does. Not becuase of any external factor, simply because I was existing I fell back into dispair. Not just apathy. Dispair, physical pain. It's as though I'm just not supposed to be okay.
I'm well aware that my depression gets better periodically and many people have been quick to say that due to this I have to keep suffering and going on - 'because the light at the end of the tunnel is worth it'. What they don't understand - or care to aknowledge - is that my depression gets better, so it gets worse. Every single time it gets worse and worse. I feel myself becoming happier and it fills me with a dread knowing that eventually the dispair and pain will come flooding back. The idea of suffering through the lows of my life only for the sparse and short-lived highs is the equivalent of a drug addict continuing their addiction and the detrimental effects of it becuase of the occasional high they get as a result. And in the same way it's an arduous effort to stop the cycle but in the end stopping the addiction, or in this case ctb, is the best option for me.
I have no idea how I'm going to do this but knowing my obsessive and diligent nature I'll have made hundreds of pros and cons lists, folders, files and documents to figure that out by the end of the year. I also would gratefully welcome any suggestions or advice since I've never considered ctb this seriously before and it all seems incredibly daunting. Everything in my life feels so unfinished and messy which is why I'm planning this for the end of 2024. I want to be largely forgotten, the people I care about to know what happened, my work and the things I've accomplished neatly given their own place and to feel at peace in the last days of my life.
This probably won't be my last post on this forum so hey :) despite the dark nature of this introduction.
