This is my first time posting here. None of my issues really manifest in my daily life. I get very good grades. But absolutely none of it feels real and I know there is something wrong with me. Either I am actively suicidal or I am almost constantly derealizing. I can do life but it is all far away and meaningless and devoid of any purpose.
I went to my university counseling in the spring and told them about how I was always derealizing and frequently punch myself and they just said I should do outpatient hospital care and that they couldn't do anything for me. I went again to discuss how I had no friends and that I had given up trying and basically they said wow yeah that sounds difficult, just keep trying. The last few weeks I've been very suicidal and texted 988 a few times and I realize now that it's just them giving you links and that's it. I don't think I'll ever use that again.
When I'm derealizing it's not really possible for me to get myself to kill myself. Everything is too far away for me to care about that. I just have to wait until I'm real again and it all hurts and then I can try. The main thing is I want to get out of myself. I hate this person and I want to kill them.
Since I do very well academically and am not visibly doing badly in any way it's difficult for me to prove to anyone that any of this is real. I've planned to kill myself multiple times but I've never gotten to attempt. When I was 16 I had a plan and I knew so strongly that I would go through with it, but my school realized and I didn't get to do anything. Since then I've wanted to kill myself many times but I've never tried. This is because I don't want to have a failed attempt. And at the moment I don't have any methods that I find reliable. I had an opportunity to jump off a tall building last week but I didn't do it. I was drunk and a guy was being nice to me and it felt real at that time. But I think I can't make any real connections with people anymore. As much as I want to.
Despite my distrust of my available methods I think the next time I feel real I will get myself to try. I have to remember that this is all fake really and I should have died years ago. I'm alone here because I should be dead. I think if I remember that, I can manage to get myself to go through with something. I hate it here and I hate being myself.
I went to my university counseling in the spring and told them about how I was always derealizing and frequently punch myself and they just said I should do outpatient hospital care and that they couldn't do anything for me. I went again to discuss how I had no friends and that I had given up trying and basically they said wow yeah that sounds difficult, just keep trying. The last few weeks I've been very suicidal and texted 988 a few times and I realize now that it's just them giving you links and that's it. I don't think I'll ever use that again.
When I'm derealizing it's not really possible for me to get myself to kill myself. Everything is too far away for me to care about that. I just have to wait until I'm real again and it all hurts and then I can try. The main thing is I want to get out of myself. I hate this person and I want to kill them.
Since I do very well academically and am not visibly doing badly in any way it's difficult for me to prove to anyone that any of this is real. I've planned to kill myself multiple times but I've never gotten to attempt. When I was 16 I had a plan and I knew so strongly that I would go through with it, but my school realized and I didn't get to do anything. Since then I've wanted to kill myself many times but I've never tried. This is because I don't want to have a failed attempt. And at the moment I don't have any methods that I find reliable. I had an opportunity to jump off a tall building last week but I didn't do it. I was drunk and a guy was being nice to me and it felt real at that time. But I think I can't make any real connections with people anymore. As much as I want to.
Despite my distrust of my available methods I think the next time I feel real I will get myself to try. I have to remember that this is all fake really and I should have died years ago. I'm alone here because I should be dead. I think if I remember that, I can manage to get myself to go through with something. I hate it here and I hate being myself.
