I think.....sometimes suicide is the answer

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Let me explain without having a mental fucking breakdown

I have to live every day

every god damned day

With childhood trauma and abuse

With the bullying from schoolmates and teachers

Bullying and harassment at university

Reporting abuses just did nothing. My voice did not matter

Some of you guys might say I matter and....I dont. Saying I do will only make me more fucking angry

The reality is that trauma never goes away. The memory stays with you. Therapy doesn't do shit

Nothing does shit.

Now I aint saying that if youre suffering from trauma you should die. Thats wrong

But I feel, looking at the pain I am in. the fact that I am unable to make friendships, create healthy relationships, etc etc

All because of years of trauma, I will always be behind the healthier people

I couldn't connect to my roommates thanks to my trauma

I couldn't escape thanks to my trauma

And now I am 22 still living in the home I am abused in

I really really dont want advice. I wont respond to it, or if I do its out of anger

I want to die

I really really do. I cant do this anymore.

Maybe if I do die people will finally love mea dn respect me

I can be at peace and wont feel anymore pain

They say "but what about your loved ones"

To that I say....so?

Sure it sounds heartless but, my pain matters. Theres no point in living for others if it causes you pain

Some might even say I am too young cause im 22

But I dont care

id rather end things now than wait it out for another 10 years

If I get it over with now its better right?

See ya

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Yes. Im sorry to say, but i agree. I wish i could end it right now. I hope it gets better for you tho, you seem to be suffering lately. Good luck

 

[Arrow]

i'm not much of an advice giver myself so don't worry about it. advice can be really fucking annoying especially coming from people who don't really understand the kind of situation you're in. but you know, i've also thought about how differently the people around me would appreciate me if i were to die. or how if i really did take myself out, would they start to really respect me, or see the errors in the ways they treated me? anyway your post is really interesting because i think about this too and i don't think i've ever told anyone about it. maybe one day the rain won't come down so hard on us...

 

[Bct]

I agree. The best part of successful suicide is it's a permanent answer. All of our pains are gone forever.

 

[Cashewmilk]

You're right and I'm living proof. I'm 32 almost and I still have nightmares from abuse and bullying from over a decade ago. I have nightmares every night. I'm always worried about my stalkers and bullies sabotaging me behind the scenes, for example there are people from school that work at places where I get healthcare or support from, and mysteriously my applications or stubs go missing, or I get treated unfairly from doctors because they heard something about me from an office assistant or a nurse that was my old peer.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

It is for me. If you're not willing to play along with the whole recovery game then yeah it feels like it's the answer.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

i'm not much of an advice giver myself so don't worry about it. advice can be really fucking annoying especially coming from people who don't really understand the kind of situation you're in. but you know, i've also thought about how differently the people around me would appreciate me if i were to die. or how if i really did take myself out, would they start to really respect me, or see the errors in the ways they treated me? anyway your post is really interesting because i think about this too and i don't think i've ever told anyone about it. maybe one day the rain won't come down so hard on us...

This is so me

 

[nervousandanxious]

You're too young to end your life tho! You should just wait it out and try to move past the trauma. Why are you still living in the abusive home tho? What happened there ...? :\

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

You're too young to end your life tho! You should just wait it out and try to move past the trauma. Why are you still living in the abusive home tho? What happened there ...? :\

Not really. I dont see it that I am young, more so that I am ready and that I have had enough

Long story but I was living on campus. It was ok. my roommates were nice but I went back and forth. Due to corona everything is shut down and I felt safer being at home for ht time being

Things aren't great at home but my dad and I have been talking more