Venting I think my mom hates me

[IronicClimax]

I recently came out as trans and I thought it went well. She said some pretty insensitive stuff but she said it while offering support (and I know it isnt an excuse but she didnt think they were offensive). Since then she's been treating me differently (but in her defense I have been a bitch lately). She rolls her eyes when I mention stuff related to me being trans. I know things could be worse that's why I dont want to make a big deal out of it. I dont entirely blame her new attitude towards me bc of my coming out. I've been really depressed (but that isnt an excuse) and I havent had the motivation to do really anything (which includes cleaning, which is also something she expects me to do often) and I've been in a bitch mood. I really think she hates me. And that isnt me being dramatic or anything. She's never acted like this towards me for this long. My parents are divorced and I switch houses from my moms to my dads. I hate going to my dads and it would be unbearable if it weren't for my brothers. Just the entire family dynamic there sucks. Especially stuff involved with my step mother (which is pretty much everything there) and it just all sucks. I used to love going to my moms bc it felt like an escape but now it feels the same. Everything just makes me want to fucking kill myself and get it over with finally but I dont (as stupid as this sounds) my mom to "take credit" for my suicide. I dont want her to think it's her fault and she caused it, not bc I care about how it affects her (I accepted it long ago how my death would affect them, as selfish as this all sounds) but because I want them to know I chose this. I made this decision with my own thinking and I dont want that to be taken away from me (but I also know I cant control how they view it). I dont want them to think that a petty arguement is what finally "drove me over the edge", that jsut sounds stupid. Is it dumb I want to commit suicide when I'm (physically) attending school? This is gonna sound bad but, I want them to know I existed and that I'm now dead. That I actually committed and that I'm really dead. I dont want them to think I moved schools or whatever. I also want my friends to know I'm dead but only so that they dont come up with their own stuff like me going missing or something (I doubt my parents would tell any of them I'm dead) and I especially dont want them to think I'm ignoring them. Idk just everything sucks rn and I'm just thinking about stuff. Sorry that this vent bounced everywhere, I wrote this at 2 am

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

don't apologize for your post being unorganized. venting is just that - letting your emotions out.

it's not dumb to want to commit suicide while attending school. i'm doing the same thing, although not physically, and others on the forum are doing the same as well. in my opinion, school makes suicidal ideation worse, with the workload and cliques.

i'm sorry to hear your sister isn't being the most understanding about you being trans and having depression. the people here might be more understanding, though, and willing to offer support.

 

[Drowning fish]

Hello, you sound very young !
How long since you came out ? You know parents have to make their own grief process because although you're still here, they have to say goodbye to the girl/boy they had. This process can take years.
I know it sounds discouraging, however, have you tried to tell your mum how you feel ? And how you'd like the situation to be like before ?

 

[IronicClimax]

Hello, you sound very young !
How long since you came out ? You know parents have to make their own grief process because although you're still here, they have to say goodbye to the girl/boy they had. This process can take years.
I know it sounds discouraging, however, have you tried to tell your mum how you feel ? And how you'd like the situation to be like before ?

I feel like if I talked to her she'd brush it off. She isnt good with being confronted. It's been a couple of weeks. I know it takes time to adjust and to rethink what your kid's future might be like, that's why I dont want to talk to her just yet. I just wish she could understand im still the same person. I'm literally no different from before she just knows a bit more about me now. If this is grief (for whatever reason she might be grieving. The future she thought up for me? Calling me my dead name? Idk) then it feels more like rejecting or denial. But again, in her defense, I've been acting like a bitch and I've been really easy to irritate. That probably doesnt help how she feels towards me at all

don't apologize for your post being unorganized. venting is just that - letting your emotions out.

it's not dumb to want to commit suicide while attending school. i'm doing the same thing, although not physically, and others on the forum are doing the same as well. in my opinion, school makes suicidal ideation worse, with the workload and cliques.

i'm sorry to hear your sister isn't being the most understanding about you being trans and having depression. the people here might be more understanding, though, and willing to offer support.

I want to reply with something better but I'm really tired fjfbkdbfjd. Here's a heart tho "<3" bc I appreciate your reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the school thing

 

[bluejane]

Im really sorry you're going through this right now. Transitioning seems so emotionally exhausting, and depression makes living unbearable on its own. I understand how you want to leave when youre at real school rather than zoom. Ive been thinking the same thing recently. Are you lonely? I feel like the reason I want everyone to see that Im gone is because I want them to really see me and the strength it took to wake up every morning. I feel like my shouts for help are going through deaf ears, my mom says seeing me so sad makes her so sad, but she has her own life and friends and doesnt need me the way I depend on her because my friends wont even answer my calls or go outside to see me anymore.

 

[lobster salad]

Well you're not alone. When I failed my year in high school my mom pulled me to a separate room a few days later, and talked to me for 10 minutes, telling me how dumb she thought and knew I was. She said since I was born she already knew it
After living years past that, the thought is still with me, and I've learnt to accept it; it's part of me now I'm certain and it's also part of the reason why I want to ctb. It's not easy to live on like that after knowing your own parent doesn't like you. I wish you luck though

 

[Drowning fish]

I feel like if I talked to her she'd brush it off. She isnt good with being confronted. It's been a couple of weeks. I know it takes time to adjust and to rethink what your kid's future might be like, that's why I dont want to talk to her just yet. I just wish she could understand im still the same person. I'm literally no different from before she just knows a bit more about me now. If this is grief (for whatever reason she might be grieving. The future she thought up for me? Calling me my dead name? Idk) then it feels more like rejecting or denial. But again, in her defense, I've been acting like a bitch and I've been really easy to irritate. That probably doesnt help how she feels towards me at all

Yes, she's probably in the first phases of grief ! Denial is part of it ! And it is actually very hurtful for you because it could be so much simpler if she was just like "Yeah it's alright, you're still you." The problem is the generational gape between you two and the fact no matter what we all say, parents have expectations for their children. So it is gonna be difficult times for you but you aren't the problem, okay ? The problem is the self introspection your mother has to go through by herself before she realises you are still the same person and as long as you are happy, she shouldn't be bothered with anything else.

Because it's a long process and you will feel lonely, do you have a very close friend whom you can talk to about your personal matters ? My best friend went through a really tough time when he came out to his family so I did my best to support him through all the transitioning process. It's been 4 years since he came out to them, things have gotten better but his mum still misgender him and that makes him feel very dysphoric, especially since he looks nothing like a girl anymore, so only being outed could tell that he's trans.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm wondering how old you are?

 

[IronicClimax]

Im really sorry you're going through this right now. Transitioning seems so emotionally exhausting, and depression makes living unbearable on its own. I understand how you want to leave when youre at real school rather than zoom. Ive been thinking the same thing recently. Are you lonely? I feel like the reason I want everyone to see that Im gone is because I want them to really see me and the strength it took to wake up every morning. I feel like my shouts for help are going through deaf ears, my mom says seeing me so sad makes her so sad, but she has her own life and friends and doesnt need me the way I depend on her because my friends wont even answer my calls or go outside to see me anymore.

In all honesty it kind of is (emotionally exhausting) but not in the way youd expect? At least not for me. I was rlly nervous to come out but I was also really excited because I didnt have to hide being trans as if it was some dark secret nobody should know about. It isnt a bad thing and I wanted to express that. The wait to transition medically (and socially in some parts of my life but I'm alnsot entirely socially transitioned) is what's more exhausting (and the dysphoria. I know not all trans people are dysphoric but I am and it sucks on bad days). I understand that (you wanting people to see how strong you actually are). I feel like people think it's easy to get up and do stuff we're told to do and the only reason we arent doing it is because we're "lazy". It's unfair. I cant relate to the "shouts of help going through deaf ears" because I do all I can to make sure they dont notice I'm depressed but I do understand that. If you choose to commit then a bunch of people will be like "god I wish I'd have known, maybe I could have done something" or "they were so strong, I wish I could have been there for them". They did see they just didnt do anything, you deserve more than that. To reply to your question (are you lonely?), I like being alone even though I know being lonely and being alone are different things. I chose to not tell anyone what going on and I'm going to continue to choose that (in my personal, irl life) and sometimes it can get lonely not letting anyone in but it feels like something I have control over. I have control to choose whether or not to make myself feel unbearably uncomfortable (that's how it feels telling people I know this stuff) and I like having that choice. I feel like some part of me wants to really let it all out (it seems that's what I'm doing now because this is getting long lol) because I'm writing stuff on here and sometimes I go to chat hotlines but even if all of this decided to become worse I still wouldnt talk to anyone I know. I know you dont know me or anything but if you want/need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I'm fine with it and give you my full permission if you ever want to vent to someone directly. Sorry for all of the parenthesis and stuff, adhd brain and sleep deprivation arent a good mix lol. I hope you understood stuff I was saying

Yes, she's probably in the first phases of grief ! Denial is part of it ! And it is actually very hurtful for you because it could be so much simpler if she was just like "Yeah it's alright, you're still you." The problem is the generational gape between you two and the fact no matter what we all say, parents have expectations for their children. So it is gonna be difficult times for you but you aren't the problem, okay ? The problem is the self introspection your mother has to go through by herself before she realises you are still the same person and as long as you are happy, she shouldn't be bothered with anything else.

Because it's a long process and you will feel lonely, do you have a very close friend whom you can talk to about your personal matters ? My best friend went through a really tough time when he came out to his family so I did my best to support him through all the transitioning process. It's been 4 years since he came out to them, things have gotten better but his mum still misgender him and that makes him feel very dysphoric, especially since he looks nothing like a girl anymore, so only being outed could tell that he's trans.

Yeah I know I'm not the problem and that it's okay to be how I am but it still sucks to go through kinda? I thought she would love me unconditionally forever and I feel dumb knowing it took a few stupid things to change her mind. I have people I can talk to but I choose not to because the thought of telling someone who really knows me all of that personal stuff seems unbearably uncomfortable and overwhelming. I can always vent here though if I need to. You're a good friend for supporting him

 

[IronicClimax]

Well you're not alone. When I failed my year in high school my mom pulled me to a separate room a few days later, and talked to me for 10 minutes, telling me how dumb she thought and knew I was. She said since I was born she already knew it
After living years past that, the thought is still with me, and I've learnt to accept it; it's part of me now I'm certain and it's also part of the reason why I want to ctb. It's not easy to live on like that after knowing your own parent doesn't like you. I wish you luck though

Happy to know I'm not alone but sucks to know you went through shit you didnt deserve