Venting I think my life is over, there's no point to keep going, seriously considering CTB.

[Emptied_soul]

Every night i go to sleep with tears in my eyes and the pain of emptiness in my chest, the loneliness i experience everyday is absolutely soul crushing and i don't think i can take this any longer.

I've experienced loneliness throughout my whole life, i used to have some friends back in school but they abandoned me, i also used to have friends in the neighborhood where i lived a few years ago but someone started spreading fake rumours about me and those "friends" dumped me, due to this i developed social anxiety, depression, fear, distrust, abandonment issues and attachment issues plus my self steem is basically nuked. I'm also trans (mtf) and some days i experience terrible gender dysphoria.

A couple of years ago i got a boyfriend and he was my everything and the only reason that kept me going, he helped me with so many things , treated me like a girl from day one and it was a wonderful relationship but my insecurities started kicking in, i started getting really jealous if he talked with other girls, or i was always anxious and paranoid that he was going to leave me at any time, and i also got really attached to him without leaving him barely any space to breath and to have his own life, he felt like he didn't have any freedom and that he had to be worrying about me all day and that he couldn't do anything without me being anxious about it or having doubts about him. In the end i pushed him away and he left me 6 months ago, and he probably has a new gf now that makes him happy and isn't completely flawed like me. Ever since that day i've been absolutely broken and i can't stop thinking about him. I tried dating a few guys but i can't feel anything for them and i end up ghosting everyone who tries to approach me, i just want him back but i know he's not coming back and it has ruined me, it 's like my emotions have been turned off and i can only experience sadness and grief. I'm a dumbass and i fucked up so much by being an insecure and toxic piece of shit and i blame mysellf everyday for it.

I'm so broken that i can't even feel joy anymore in the things i used to love, not even videogames can help me cope anymore like they used to in the past, i'm broken beyond repair and i believe my time has come to catch the bus to finally get a well deserved rest because i can't keep going like this, i can't while my every day life is filled with pain and missery, i don't even have the strenght anymore to get up and fight and i believe i'm ready to give up, i'm probably going to do it within the next couple of months since there's some stuff i have to put in order first before leaving.
I have two cats that i love with all my soul and they really helped me during the bad times but even then i can't keep going for them and i already found someone that could take care of them.
I'm really going to miss those sweet little guys.

Honestly i wish i could turn back the clock and change so many things that i should've done, i would give anything in order to start this life from scratch again, hopefully in my next life i won't be that much flawed of a person and i will have a decent life filled with genuine friendships, love and reasons to live, but i don't think this is the life where i get to experience the joy of life.

Sorry for the long text, i really needed to vent and sorry if my english isn't good enough.

 

[sasuim]

there's some differences but i can't say i don't relate :/

i'd love some advice as well, it's like your life has hit an excruciating pause button

 

[9thFloorAngel]

I'm so sorry, friend. I can relate to so much of this; it feels like I could have wrote this myself. I wish I had an answer for you, something that would change your outlook, but the truth is I feel I'm in the same boat as you, and I'm starting to accept that there isn't an answer.

I've tried to make the most of my life but with every passing year I just feel more and more despair. That terrible hopelessness that comes from crushed dreams... I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. If you need someone to talk with, feel free to reach out.

 

[stoopid]

I would prefer not to be reborn, if I have the chance I would ask god if he can destroy my soul, wouldn't go into some heaven and shit, just eternal sleep. But I love my cat so much, he would never leave me, so I can't go before he goes, that would be a huge mistake and I don't wanna come back as a demon or some shit because of unfinished business.

 

[FuneralCry]

It undeniably is such a cruel world that we exist in and it's just so unfair how you've had to suffer so much. I know that loneliness can be painful for so many, but I just think the reality is that you cannot trust and rely on people, it's awful how people just create more suffering and treat others so badly. But anyway, best wishes.