i think my first "spark" of suicide happened in 2011 when i said this sentence to myself...

[SufferingInDenmark]

i was going through a lot and i said to myself: "i can't possibly take another 50 years of this"
(referring to when i would die naturally in the future)
i was like 22...
that's the first time i ever said something that could resemble a suicidal statement.

it's a gradual thing, and now it's 2025, and here i am, googling methods and stuff.

when did you have your first "spark"? for a lack of a better word

 

[galaxid]

At some point I realized that wanting to die was like. An actual option. I was probably in high school or something, but the realization that 'hey I don't have to do this anymore if I don't want to'.

 

[GettingGone]

Someone had texted me and I replied with, "I mean, I'm alive." And they were like, "Is that a problem for you?" And that's what started some of this I think. It's an interesting thing to think about.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i accidentally cut my finger with a serrated saw. it was a relatively minor cut my finger didn't fall off or anything . but the pain for a split second was so bad i couldn't believe it. i was shocked that pain could be this bad. i somehow was able to tell myself " this is it i have to remember how this felt pain is really a billion times worse than you can remember or imagine". this was the only way i could think of to put into words how bad and unwanted was pain.

all my life they've had me brainwashed i should like this garbage or that was my purpose but nothing ever felt like a real purpose. when i felt that pain i knew what my purpose was to avoid unbearable pain. for one thing all the other garbage was meaningless there is no reason for me to live in the first place . but on top of that to live as a slave working so hard to risk extreme torture.. the only purpose is to kill myself asap to avoid extreme pain.

imagine putting your hand on a red hot burner on a stove. of course you pull it away instantly the pain is so bad.

but what if some gang forced you to keep your hand roasting on that burner there for a minute? the pain for a minute would be unbearable and orders of magnitude worse then just putting it there for a split second

they created a torture called the Brazen bull. most of the skin not just part of the hand were put on red hot metal and you couldn't get away because they sealed you in the Bull

think of the peak of the worst pain in the Brazen bull the seconds where the pain is the utmost worse. that level of pain the brain can produce. and then it can be unending constant for years. so this brain is a torture chamber and not something wonderful like they constantly tell us. that this exists in this world and that they constantly say that this is beautiful , sacred, important is another hell . . we see it all the time they say life is wonderful sacred important a beautiful gift. yeah a brain / consciussness that can suffer unending constant unbearable pain. why is that a gift or important . no it;s an abomination

 

[grapevoid]

I wish I could remember exactly when but I remember when I was a teenager thinking often "I wonder if I did this if I could just die" I have pretty much always engaged in suicidal ideation. When I was around 30 yo I started seeing a therapist and that was the first time in my life that I became aware of the fact that it isn't normal. I thought everyone thought that way. After a few appointments with my therapist she said "your relationship with death and suicide is pretty concerning" Im 36 years old now.

 

[CravingPeace]

It was last December, on Christmas Day. I had completely struggled through Thanksgiving because I have no family because I distanced myself due to their abuse. I was walking a tight rope until Christmas. That day as I was sulking at my apartment, all alone, my outpatient therapist texted me to ask how I was doing.

I completely lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably and told her that my dog was the only reason why I was still alive and that for the first time, I started thinking of ways to find someone else to care for him. She asked me if I wanted a wellness check and I said yes, which was a horrible decision. Spent the next 5 days in a psych ward that was utterly useless in any kind of recovery.

But that day, that phone call with her was the point of no return. Suicide finally became a real option to consider. And its appeal just grows and grows as the days go by. I'm no where near as "depressed" as I was then, but now it is become more and more clear that my life is irreparably broken and any efforts to better my life will be like a drop in the ocean.

Now I'm just kind of in a limbo.

 

[Santana Idaho]

I remember the moment. I've been thinking about it every day for months since I remembered. Maybe more...

I was in elementary school. 9 or 10. My brother and I were watching Beetlejuice, and the scene where Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin enter the afterlife's reception lobby. They're speaking to the receptionist and she says, "If knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my 'little accident.'" I had no idea what that meant, and I had been wondering for years. I asked my brother and he told me that she'd killed herself by slitting her wrists.

Boy did that start the longest avalanche that ever was.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Aged 10. I was mourning the loss of 3 close family members and being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist. I remember staring out the window and thinking- I'd prefer to be dead. It was quite a shocking revelation to begin with because I was brought up thinking suicide was wrong and sinful. It didn't take long for me to feel like it was reasonable to be feeling like that.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

Mine was when I was 13yo, because of stuff happening in school I thought I'd rather be dead. A year later I started thinking specifically about suicide, but I didn't consider it a serious option until I was 23yo (I'm 30).

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally always wished to not exist, wanting death really is all I know and is a response to existence itself, I'd just never wish to be burdened with this cruel, futile existence rather I only wish and hope for nothingness, I just want to fall into an eternal dreamless sleep and more than anything I wish I never suffered at all, nothing would make me wish for any of this. For me existence itself is the problem which is why I've only wished for death and could ever do no matter what, the thought of suffering until old age in this reality where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel is so unbearable and horrific to me, I'd always prefer to not exist instead.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I was 13 when I decided to jump off a building, and the security on duty obviously didn't let me in. It wasn't a planned thing, just an impulsive teenage rebellious act as a result of a night gone wrong, but I ended up alone in an old, deserted warehouse in an unsafe area not caring much about life. I never really valued life, and thought of suicide only a few times after that, but not really with the intent to commit. Then last year my whole world collapsed. With me losing the one person who was my world, I discovered the value of both love and life, and the loss thereof at the same time made me actively suicidal. The thought of not having him in my life, "sparked" my intent, and those sparks have been with me since, some days more intense than others. I still believe that there is hope for us in this life, but this belief can only be realised if I continue to fight the sparks.