I think my family has had enough

[loser098]

A family member said that they intend to speak with me tomorrow, and when I asked what it could be about, they refused to specify. Per their demeanor, it's not going to be good…

(Asshole move btw, hate it when people do that. Now I can't prepare bullshit answers in advance.)

It'll probably pertain to my lack of enthusiasm about returning to college. I'm dreading it. Something about life hasn't clicked for me, and I can't remember since when, but I've been consumed by a nasty case of nihilism for some time now. There's no drive within me to integrate into society or socialize; I feel like a child sometimes.

I can't focus on anything as I'm stuck in a rut of extreme lethargy; I've only showered once this month (yep, I smell terrible), and I rarely leave my room. Funnily enough, the only time I leave is when I'm forced to go outside. It's almost cartoonish the extent to which I rot. Oh, and I've lost my only online friend. Great.

For some reason, I'm content with being in bed all day. You may find this repulsive, but I don't care much as I'm generally anonymous on this site. No one in my immediate life will perceive me differently, so it's fine.

Frankly, I'm annoyed with myself for dodging responsibilities most of my life and doing a shit job at concealing my problems. I should've done better at faking my interest in getting my life together. I'm a lazy fuck, and it's more apparent than ever. Never imagined I'd enter my 20s this way. I'm only miserable when I realize that my way of living (or lack thereof, depending on how you define it) is in direct conflict with the expectations of my family.

The more the issue is pressed, the more I feel that I'm ready to follow through with my plans. Life doesn't make sense to me.

Does anyone else relate to this? I know we all have lives and little room for blog posts about other people's problems, but are you enduring a similar situation?

 

[zeevo]

I can definitely relate to this, I dropped out last year, had to move back in with family, burned all my bridges when I moved. All I leave the house for is work and psych/therapy (failed an attempt last year and playing as if I think I can get better)

If you want someone to talk to who's in a similar situation, I got you bro. Even if not I hope you get to escape your pain one way or another.

 

[R_N]

Don't be too hard on yourself even if they are. If it was that easy all of us would do everything we are supposed to.

 

[warm dreams]

Lord, you described my life situation. It's like you're writing about me. I am truly glad that we are not the only "lazy assholes" who don't want to do anything in life. I'm so tired of being like this. I feel like an immature piece of crap. All day long I lie in bed and only get up to smoke cigarettes. My peers study, work, communicate - they live in one word. And I'm a twenty-year-old fucker who lives off his parents. I tried to integrate into society, I tried to work, I tried to have relationships, I tried to regularly communicate with my real-life friends. But I'm not interested. I don't want to do this. I became an outcast in college, I quit every job after a month of work, I stopped talking to a girl because I was too lazy to pursue a relationship with her. I began to ignore all the attempts of my close friends to pull me out of depression. My family judges me for who I am. To be honest, I also judge myself, which is why I want to die. I know there's a lot I haven't tried in my life. I haven't tasted enough of life's delights, but to be honest, I don't want to taste life. I'm not interested. I completely discounted it.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's important for me to know that I'm not the only one.