Lycoris
a living ghost
- Mar 9, 2023
- 8
This is my first post on the forum so bear with me if I break some rules or dont follow guidelines, ill try to follow as much as possible. Long story short, I feel like i'm running out of options in my life in terms of "growing strong enough to live beside my depression" among other things. I have a long laundry list of "excuses" or so i'm told by the few people that havent left me yet like a history of child SA, having my father be absent for most of my childhood since he was in jail, cptsd, ptsd, regular nightmares, chronic severe depression, agoraphobia and severe adhd, possibly autism. You get the idea, i know im far from the only one dealing with these issues but despite having gone to therapy for nearly a decade now even court ordered and on my own I feel like most professionals help under a guise of "yeah youre a lost cause and atp we will settle for getting you stable enough to be a cog in the machine again". I'm pushing 30 and I have no real friends outside of exes for some forsaken reason I still keep in touch with probably because they are the only ones that would care if i killed myself tonight. I can get relationships easily but even my longest most loving relationship ended at the 5 year mark because I realized I would be stuck in a rural town with no opportunities or future. Ironically, I feel like ive only gotten this far because of some stupid idea or delusion that things would get easier if I just failed enough times or that all the hard times would make me stronger. I realize that its basically all just a cope regular people use to make their hardships seem worth it because romanticizing suffering is easier than facing reality and working through life's toughest emotions. The powerlessness is probably the worst of it, i've tried looking into so many different kinds of spiritualities trying to see if I could find meaning in them just to find that the only purpose I have in life is to continue experiencing as much as I can. It feels like it ended up being a double edged sword since I find myself in a time and place where I have no power and no ability to experience life. All my life has been is just struggling and pushing myself constantly through the exhaustion of my work and life just to have the honor of having more time and another day to struggle and feel frustrated in everything. I'm thousands of dollars in medical debt, behind a month on rent, cancelled every subscription I have, lowered my costs substantially and the only thing i use my tiny fraction of a budgeted discretionary income on is cigarettes and food delivery once or twice a month. I work a full time job in skilled labor but i'm purposely underpaid because im a woman in a majority male field and because the job market is horrible in my area. The fact I even made it this far at all is insane given the fact I've been to the psych ward 5 times already 2 of those times being involuntary with unsuccessful attempts. I haven't even gotten into the physical side of my problems but i'm also dealing with a lot of chronic health problems like thyroid problems that I cannot afford medication for because it means I couldn't afford rent. I'm just so fucking tired of it all and no matter how much better life gets I always find myself in the same place I have since I was a little 11 year old girl. Tired, scared, hurting and alone. It's been a few weeks since I've cut myself off from my small remaining "friend group" if you can even call them that since they are also suffering and unable to give any comfort or help. I just want to find a way to end things hurting the few remaining people i know care for me in the least amount. I know I should create letters or notes to help them grieve, I would have wanted something similar when my friend killed herself in middle school. I also am planning to probably stupidly cut my wrists and die that way but I know most likely that will just lead to permanent nerve damage and another unsuccessful attempt. Maybe i'll save up enough money to CTB with medicine or some other way. I don't really know what I gain from posting here but I think it would help me feel better temporarily to make peace with ending my life knowing I didn't return to the void without leaving my mark with the few people that might understand where i'm coming from. Thank you for reading up until this point if you have and I hope anyone else reading this can find some peace in their final moments or even hopefully find the special people or person in their life that can give them a reason to keep going.
