I think it is time to figure this thing out, seriously.

[time2register]

I joined a couple of weeks ago. My suicidality has been chronic but with a lot of therapy and self help books and a few years of sobriety I have managed to diminish it. Throw myself into life, that sort of thing.

About four years ago I became obsessed with a girl. We were very close, we would kiss, she would sleep over, but she always had other guys she and manipulated me. Eventually she disappeared for a year and came back. She came back for one night and then disappeared for a year and half. Then she came back ten months ago.

The last ten months I have become totally obsessed with her again. She's been lying and disappearing on and off this past ten months. She finally slept with me in the fall but started crying during it and I had to stop. I figured she had a lot of trauma and had been abused. She then disappeared for three months. Texted me on new years eve. I've seen her three times this year. The last time I saw her was two weeks ago. She introduced me to the guy she's actually been dating the last two years. She's a drug addict and has severe mental health problems. She lost her shit and went nuts while I was there. Ended up smashing a bong on the back of my head, which I needed to go to the hospital for.

I went to the ER and she disappeared. I spent the last two weeks going insane searching for her. I even contacted this boyfriend and we talked several times for hours. He told me everything. It was devastating to hear she loves someone else and has been lying to me.

She texted me last night, so sweet and sorry. Then she found out I talked to the other guy and lost her shit on me. I was supposed to see her today and can't stop thinking about her. But know that she never actually loved me and I've humiliated myself and don't ever want to have to think about her again or to be forced to heal from the last four years. I'm not willing to try to heal again so it's a closed discussion.

I'm stuck in isolation living with my parents because of this covid shit. I'm 32 and very diminished in my functionality from years of not taking my life seriously, being addicted to marijuana.

So I come on here, feel helpless and down on myself. I was strongly considering hanging myself for years but it seems so painful and I was always too scared to do it. I checked myself into a hotel once and planned to cut my wrists, got drunk. But I was too afraid to make a cut. I want N so fucking badly because I'm confident I could drink it. But it's so fucking complicated and sketchy seeming to order it online. (if anyone has good advice please feel free to PM). I started researching SN, our healthcare is shutdown pretty intensely here in Canada so I can't get an anti-emetic and frankly I'm scared of SN. I want to go today or this week soo badly I'm starting to think about the kneeling methods of hanging. I WISH I go CTB tonight, tbh. I'm just really afraid of the SI kicking in and cockblocking the whole thing. I'm afraid of failing and being left with brain damage, the usual. I wish I could meet someone in real life who was compassionate and supportive of my free will. I'm so needy and codependent, I feel like I need someone to help me along the way. I hate that this needs to be this scary secret mission I undertake on my own. I'm not trying to do some evil, dark, selfish thing. I'm just so tired of loving this girl and of hating myself and letting my family down.

Any advice, encouragement is welcome. I think I just wanted to get this out there, because right now the pain isn't acceptable and I would love to figure out how to do this ASAP.

 

[Oyoy]

I joined a couple of weeks ago. My suicidality has been chronic but with a lot of therapy and self help books and a few years of sobriety I have managed to diminish it. Throw myself into life, that sort of thing.

About four years ago I became obsessed with a girl. We were very close, we would kiss, she would sleep over, but she always had other guys she and manipulated me. Eventually she disappeared for a year and came back. She came back for one night and then disappeared for a year and half. Then she came back ten months ago.

The last ten months I have become totally obsessed with her again. She's been lying and disappearing on and off this past ten months. She finally slept with me in the fall but started crying during it and I had to stop. I figured she had a lot of trauma and had been abused. She then disappeared for three months. Texted me on new years eve. I've seen her three times this year. The last time I saw her was two weeks ago. She introduced me to the guy she's actually been dating the last two years. She's a drug addict and has severe mental health problems. She lost her shit and went nuts while I was there. Ended up smashing a bong on the back of my head, which I needed to go to the hospital for.

I went to the ER and she disappeared. I spent the last two weeks going insane searching for her. I even contacted this boyfriend and we talked several times for hours. He told me everything. It was devastating to hear she loves someone else and has been lying to me.

She texted me last night, so sweet and sorry. Then she found out I talked to the other guy and lost her shit on me. I was supposed to see her today and can't stop thinking about her. But know that she never actually loved me and I've humiliated myself and don't ever want to have to think about her again or to be forced to heal from the last four years. I'm not willing to try to heal again so it's a closed discussion.

I'm stuck in isolation living with my parents because of this covid shit. I'm 32 and very diminished in my functionality from years of not taking my life seriously, being addicted to marijuana.

So I come on here, feel helpless and down on myself. I was strongly considering hanging myself for years but it seems so painful and I was always too scared to do it. I checked myself into a hotel once and planned to cut my wrists, got drunk. But I was too afraid to make a cut. I want N so fucking badly because I'm confident I could drink it. But it's so fucking complicated and sketchy seeming to order it online. (if anyone has good advice please feel free to PM). I started researching SN, our healthcare is shutdown pretty intensely here in Canada so I can't get an anti-emetic and frankly I'm scared of SN. I want to go today or this week soo badly I'm starting to think about the kneeling methods of hanging. I WISH I go CTB tonight, tbh. I'm just really afraid of the SI kicking in and cockblocking the whole thing. I'm afraid of failing and being left with brain damage, the usual. I wish I could meet someone in real life who was compassionate and supportive of my free will. I'm so needy and codependent, I feel like I need someone to help me along the way. I hate that this needs to be this scary secret mission I undertake on my own. I'm not trying to do some evil, dark, selfish thing. I'm just so tired of loving this girl and of hating myself and letting my family down.

Any advice, encouragement is welcome. I think I just wanted to get this out there, because right now the pain isn't acceptable and I would love to figure out how to do this ASAP.

What in your childhood made you obsess about a woman who hurt you?

 

[time2register]

What in your childhood made you obsess about a woman who hurt you?

I was pretty inclined on suicide before I met her. My inquiries into hanging and hotel check in were before her. I just feel ill equipped to deal with simple stress and compulsively fear pain and mortality. So dying seems like the best route.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Sorry, but u need to try n let that one go, love...

She's very toxic for u n speaking to her boyfriend is only gonna inflict further pain to u..Don't do it to yourself..

Do u have any other friends, interests?

 

[time2register]

Sorry, but u need to try n let that one go, love...

She's very toxic for u n speaking to her boyfriend is only gonna inflict further pain to u..Don't do it to yourself..

Do u have any other friends, interests?

Nah, I was interested in Buddhist enlightenment before. The end of suffering and all that. You could say I'm still interested in the end of suffering. I kinda wish I didn't detail her in this post. But ya I don't really enjoy life. I am only motivated by egocentric validation and simple, pathetic pleasures (like overeating and masturbating excessively). I'm not really interested in putting effort into making my life functional anymore. I think I have enough energy to spend the next couple weeks researching this thoroughly and then executing the task.

 

[Oyoy]

I was pretty inclined on suicide before I met her. My inquiries into hanging and hotel check in were before her. I just feel ill equipped to deal with simple stress and compulsively fear pain and mortality. So dying seems like the best route.

It seems like you are

Nah, I was interested in Buddhist enlightenment before. The end of suffering and all that. You could say I'm still interested in the end of suffering. I kinda wish I didn't detail her in this post. But ya I don't really enjoy life. I am only motivated by egocentric validation and simple, pathetic pleasures (like overeating and masturbating excessively). I'm not really interested in putting effort into making my life functional anymore. I think I have enough energy to spend the next couple weeks researching this thoroughly and then executing the task.

Do you still smoke?

 

[time2register]

Do you still smoke?
[/QUOTE]

Nah coming up on four years sober. I quit for her lol..

I almost want to start smoking again, it's legal here now and everything. But I don't really want to anymore, it made me very confused and depressed. I don't really want to keep applying lipstick to a pig, life is suffering.

 

[Oyoy]

Do you still smoke?

Nah coming up on four years sober. I quit for her lol..

I almost want to start smoking again, it's legal here now and everything. But I don't really want to anymore, it made me very confused and depressed. I don't really want to keep applying lipstick to a pig, life is suffering.
[/QUOTE]
My pig is wearing way too much make up too. I feel like I have a frog in my throat like Ms Piggy giving head.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I joined a couple of weeks ago. My suicidality has been chronic but with a lot of therapy and self help books and a few years of sobriety I have managed to diminish it. Throw myself into life, that sort of thing.

About four years ago I became obsessed with a girl. We were very close, we would kiss, she would sleep over, but she always had other guys she and manipulated me. Eventually she disappeared for a year and came back. She came back for one night and then disappeared for a year and half. Then she came back ten months ago.

The last ten months I have become totally obsessed with her again. She's been lying and disappearing on and off this past ten months. She finally slept with me in the fall but started crying during it and I had to stop. I figured she had a lot of trauma and had been abused. She then disappeared for three months. Texted me on new years eve. I've seen her three times this year. The last time I saw her was two weeks ago. She introduced me to the guy she's actually been dating the last two years. She's a drug addict and has severe mental health problems. She lost her shit and went nuts while I was there. Ended up smashing a bong on the back of my head, which I needed to go to the hospital for.

I went to the ER and she disappeared. I spent the last two weeks going insane searching for her. I even contacted this boyfriend and we talked several times for hours. He told me everything. It was devastating to hear she loves someone else and has been lying to me.

She texted me last night, so sweet and sorry. Then she found out I talked to the other guy and lost her shit on me. I was supposed to see her today and can't stop thinking about her. But know that she never actually loved me and I've humiliated myself and don't ever want to have to think about her again or to be forced to heal from the last four years. I'm not willing to try to heal again so it's a closed discussion.

I'm stuck in isolation living with my parents because of this covid shit. I'm 32 and very diminished in my functionality from years of not taking my life seriously, being addicted to marijuana.

So I come on here, feel helpless and down on myself. I was strongly considering hanging myself for years but it seems so painful and I was always too scared to do it. I checked myself into a hotel once and planned to cut my wrists, got drunk. But I was too afraid to make a cut. I want N so fucking badly because I'm confident I could drink it. But it's so fucking complicated and sketchy seeming to order it online. (if anyone has good advice please feel free to PM). I started researching SN, our healthcare is shutdown pretty intensely here in Canada so I can't get an anti-emetic and frankly I'm scared of SN. I want to go today or this week soo badly I'm starting to think about the kneeling methods of hanging. I WISH I go CTB tonight, tbh. I'm just really afraid of the SI kicking in and cockblocking the whole thing. I'm afraid of failing and being left with brain damage, the usual. I wish I could meet someone in real life who was compassionate and supportive of my free will. I'm so needy and codependent, I feel like I need someone to help me along the way. I hate that this needs to be this scary secret mission I undertake on my own. I'm not trying to do some evil, dark, selfish thing. I'm just so tired of loving this girl and of hating myself and letting my family down.

Any advice, encouragement is welcome. I think I just wanted to get this out there, because right now the pain isn't acceptable and I would love to figure out how to do this ASAP.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But think about it, she hit you over the head with a bong, you ended up in the hospital.

Don't worry about the coronavirus, this girl is way more dangerous. Avoid her like the plague. I say it like I see it.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Nah, I was interested in Buddhist enlightenment before. The end of suffering and all that. You could say I'm still interested in the end of suffering. I kinda wish I didn't detail her in this post. But ya I don't really enjoy life. I am only motivated by egocentric validation and simple, pathetic pleasures (like overeating and masturbating excessively). I'm not really interested in putting effort into making my life functional anymore. I think I have enough energy to spend the next couple weeks researching this thoroughly and then executing the task.

Ok..I only pointed her out cuz she seems to b causing so much distress in ur life..n seems like she has pushed u over the edge cuz if she was still around, I doubt u would b considering ctb this hard..*no pun intended*..lol

 

[time2register]

I recognize the girl is a complete cancer. I also have no agency when it comes to her. She apologized last night, crying and I just missed her so much. I realize she is exacerbating everything, forcing my hand. I feel like she is just speeding up a natural process. Life was always untenable, we're on a suicide forum lol. I just get overwhelmed and stressed out trying to read these SN, N, and hanging megathreads. It looks like it will take me weeks at best to sort out SN if I don't go through with hanging.

Sorry just whining, nothing new from me.

 

[Oyoy]

I recognize the girl is a complete cancer. I also have no agency when it comes to her. She apologized last night, crying and I just missed her so much. I realize she is exacerbating everything, forcing my hand. I feel like she is just speeding up a natural process. Life was always untenable, we're on a suicide forum lol. I just get overwhelmed and stressed out trying to read these SN, N, and hanging megathreads. It looks like it will take me weeks at best to sort out SN if I don't go through with hanging.

Sorry just whining, nothing new from me.

My sentiments exactly
If I could study I wouldn't want to ctb I would want to learn something fun. It's a paradox.

 

[bpdandme]

Please don't end it over someone else. I was (maybe still am) in love with someone for 7 years, I'm 23 now. He was so manipulative and caused me so much pain. You get bound by this trauma and the validation you crave of them. It will get easier, it will get better. I am not a pro-lifer, I have just been through something similar. Please message me if you need to vent or talk about it to someone who can understand. It's a strange self-sabotaging behaviour where we obsess over people who treat us badly, it's so common. I think you should get back on the track you were on but for yourself, not for anyone else.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

You need to take in the advice being given to you here. AND ACTUALLY TAKE IT IN people have gave you all the answers and tools here already but I know what it's like when a toxic person has her claws in your brain. You'll pretend to listen but as soon as she comes calling you'll go running. My advice is please don't anymore and with a big of luck access your logical and rational mind now whilst people are giving good advice.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Any advice, encouragement is welcome. I think I just wanted to get this out there, because right now the pain isn't acceptable and I would love to figure out how to do this ASAP.

I think I may see what's happening here.

You wanted advice and encouragement for ctb, and you're getting advice about the woman.

Is that correct?

If yes, we can't encourage you to ctb. If you have specific questions about a method, we can give you advice/opinions. If you want advice for how to ctb asap, the standard advice is to start researching methods, and the Resources Compilation has a list of methods as well as a link to the PPH.

Does that address what you were seeking by posting this thread?

 

[time2register]

I think I may see what's happening here.

You wanted advice and encouragement for ctb, and you're getting advice about the woman.

Is that correct?

If yes, we can't encourage you to ctb. If you have specific questions about a method, we can give you advice/opinions. If you want advice for how to ctb asap, the standard advice is to start researching methods, and the Resources Compilation has a list of methods as well as a link to the PPH.

Does that address what you were seeking by posting this thread?

Correct. I just don't have confidence in myself to even do it. I love the idea thought. But ya addresses it pretty well, thanks.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Correct. I just don't have confidence in myself to even do it. I love the idea thought. But ya addresses it pretty well, thanks.

Ironically, if you take the reins and plan your own ctb by yourself, one step at a time, you might end up connecting with your inner capability...and branch out to trying to do other things for yourself...and find more inner capability...and instead of dying, experience the power of ownership of your life, with all the mistakes and victories that living entails. Or you might still choose to ctb, and experience the power of having made happen what you chose for yourself.

I know this isn't easy. Sending understanding and compassion.

 

[time2register]

Ironically, if you take the reins and plan your own ctb by yourself, one step at a time, you might end up connecting with your inner capability...and branch out to trying to do other things for yourself...and find more inner capability...and instead of dying, experience the power of ownership of your life, with all the mistakes and victories that living entails. Or you might still choose to ctb, and experience the power of having made happen what you chose for yourself.

I know this isn't easy. Sending understanding and compassion.

Similar to my own sentiment of a suicide note having the potential to heal the writer. I appreciate your point and timidly recognize that this is a journey I must take alone.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Similar to my own sentiment of a suicide note having the potential to heal the writer. I appreciate your point and timidly recognize that this is a journey I must take alone.

I got a lot of healing out of writing my suicide note!

We're here with you on the journey, we just can't walk it for you, but gladly beside you. You're doing great.

 

[time2register]

I got a lot of healing out of writing my suicide note!

We're here with you on the journey, we just can't walk it for you, but gladly beside you. You're doing great.

Today is particularly difficult again. I managed to talk to my brother about my life and death last night. I like getting to express frustration that people have such a bias against suicide you can't bring it up with anyone without them immediately trying to talk you out of it.

I believe I will begin actively pursuing N. That is how I truly want to go.

 

[Oyoy]

Today is particularly difficult again. I managed to talk to my brother about my life and death last night. I like getting to express frustration that people have such a bias against suicide you can't bring it up with anyone without them immediately trying to talk you out of it.

I believe I will begin actively pursuing N. That is how I truly want to go.

That's hard core. Everyone iseems to be depressed but most people are not suicidal.

 

[time2register]

That's hard core. Everyone iseems to be depressed but most people are not suicidal.

I think it's difficult to maintain a intentional suicidal inclination while wearing a mask; to slowly, deliberately attempt to put together a safe, dignified exit while miming an attempt to improve one's life. I'm impressed and intimidated by people who can suicide in painful, scary ways. Maybe their pain is just so great, or maybe it's impulsive. I think pretending I have a willingness to live and work on my myself while protecting this intention and slowly working towards my secret, private goal is both isolating and daunting.