Thank you for all the advice, can we maybe stay in contact? I am kind of at a point where I feel truly lost and without any idea how to continue/work through my problems. And with every moment like the one I had when I posted this I really believe I am getting closer to ctb...
I just think maybe listening to your viewpoints and experience might help me finally understand whats wrong with me and how I can help myself? I am just scared that it will be too late if I wait for a competent therapist...
We can always stay in contact. I check this site once a day at least and will always try to take time to reply.
I can only say for my own experience and what I have been able to overcome and what I haven't.
Childhood
Mental abuse - nothing I ever did was good enough and I was the point of contention for every argument in my household. My dad left and started another family. I will always have this feeling of inadequacy, no matter what I accomplish I will still never feel good enough, and in societies eyes I have accomplished a lot.
Physical abuse - I was beaten at home by family, I was beaten in the street, I was bullied at school, until the day I decided to fight back, when I did someone bigger always came along. I remember six people a few years older than me beating the shit out of me cause I defended myself. I have never get over this, cause the things I've seen and done, and how comfortable I am with violence and death, I feel like a monster.
Sexual abuse - I was abused by a family friend, she raped me basically, but gradually built up to it. Now what actually happened I have accepted, I can relive some of these memories without breaking down or having a panic attack. What is destroying me on the inside is when I looked into how abuse effects people, its how it has shaped my whole personality, I went my whole life believing I was stronger than what she did to me, in reality I ended up with every trait that an abused person can have.
Adulthood
I cannot form meaningful relationships with anyone cause of the abuse I had. My most recent one who I loved with everything inside me, was toxic, manipulative and mentally abusive. I believe she did this unintentionally because she was also a victim of abuse. But whereas I went down the self hatred path, she went down the "hurt everyone to make me feel better path".
I cannot talk with anyone, I left my home behind, it was a semi dangerous area, but the things that are natural to us, aren't natural to the middle class and up. If I mention things they find it sick and strange.
I no longer hurt people just myself. I overdose commonly on codeine, cause if I take a high dosage lay in bed and close my eyes I get a few moments of not being in pain. The comedown is worse though.
I have no self confidence. I know I am good looking and a lot of women tell me that I am, but when I look in the mirror I just see ugly, I just see a broken man still unable to heal from his childhood.
I am an ameteur film maker and people love what I make, but I always see the flaws in everything I do.
What helps me?
Routine - exercise, I exercise in the gym every morning. I then go to work, after that I sleep. Whilst it is mimimalist, I find that tiredness makes you want to ctb more. I smoke a lot of cigarettes, I can quit and give up anything just not the little death sticks. Having a pet, I have my cat and she comes to me in times of need always.
When I am ready to ctb, I don't want to be tired or upset, I want my mind to be clear so I know that I made the right decision.
I don't know how much this will help Abigail, I hope your experience relates to some of mine and you can kind of share your pain with me and be clear in mind when we make our decisions.
. a cycle devoid of care or understanding that's doomed to make the afflicted feel more lost. 
