Help I think I'm trying to find a reason to stay

[HarpyWitch]

I don't know if it's my SI talking or if it's something I actually want but I think a part of me deep inside is still trying to find hope.

• 23F. I have BPD, PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, Hashimoto's, insulin resistance, and PCOS. It's all just driving me crazy.
• I'm utterly heartbroken. I got broken up with half a year ago, two weeks after which he got together with the girl I had had a bad hunch about. We're still technically friends but he says he still feels something more toward me. While in a relationship with her. I don't know what to think.
• I've come to the conclusion that I'm not destined to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Thanks to my BPD. I'd decided I'd be forever alone so that I don't break another poor soul.
• Even my parents are tired of me, and I still have to live with them. I'm unable to find a job that wouldn't just further break me, I'm simply not in the right state of mind. I don't know how to finish my studies, either. To add to that, I'm in quite a big debt that obviously I'm in no position to pay off because I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm so unwell, and I'm so unwell because I can't afford therapy... You get it.
• Apart from my ex, I only have one friend. I can't really talk to her about my issues, though, because hearing about them hurts her too much. I don't know how to find new friends. I don't even know how to talk to people; it never comes naturally to me. I'm so fucking lonely.
• I feel guilty for being in such a bad mental state. I know so many others lead much harder lives, and here I am, whining about my little problems. My parents always make sure to remind me of that, too.

I wish I could find hope in all this.
I wish I could earn at least some money from doing creative work – but I don't know what I could do. It feels like I'm not good at anything at all.
I wish I could finish my studies and teach kids, just like I'd once planned.
I wish I could find a support group.
I wish I was able to live on my own, without needing to depend on a partner.
Yet here I am, planning my end.

 

[a_dead_mess]

from the bottom of my heart, I hope you'll find a reason to stay. I couldn't find one myself

 

[Night_Crew]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm in a somewhat similar position, but can only begin to try and understand how you are feeling. I hope you do not best yourself up and find a chance for some respite over the weekend.

 

[Mental]

I don't know if it's my SI talking or if it's something I actually want but I think a part of me deep inside is still trying to find hope.

• 23F. I have BPD, PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, Hashimoto's, insulin resistance, and PCOS. It's all just driving me crazy.
• I'm utterly heartbroken. I got broken up with half a year ago, two weeks after which he got together with the girl I had had a bad hunch about. We're still technically friends but he says he still feels something more toward me. While in a relationship with her. I don't know what to think.
• I've come to the conclusion that I'm not destined to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Thanks to my BPD. I'd decided I'd be forever alone so that I don't break another poor soul.
• Even my parents are tired of me, and I still have to live with them. I'm unable to find a job that wouldn't just further break me, I'm simply not in the right state of mind. I don't know how to finish my studies, either. To add to that, I'm in quite a big debt that obviously I'm in no position to pay off because I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm so unwell, and I'm so unwell because I can't afford therapy... You get it.
• Apart from my ex, I only have one friend. I can't really talk to her about my issues, though, because hearing about them hurts her too much. I don't know how to find new friends. I don't even know how to talk to people; it never comes naturally to me. I'm so fucking lonely.
• I feel guilty for being in such a bad mental state. I know so many others lead much harder lives, and here I am, whining about my little problems. My parents always make sure to remind me of that, too.

I wish I could find hope in all this.
I wish I could earn at least some money from doing creative work – but I don't know what I could do. It feels like I'm not good at anything at all.
I wish I could finish my studies and teach kids, just like I'd once planned.
I wish I could find a support group.
I wish I was able to live on my own, without needing to depend on a partner.
Yet here I am, planning my end.

Shit, this is the first time I've been left speechless here. The truth is something similar happens to me.
Right now I can only tell you that I hope you can get to teach children, I find it very nice of you. I don't think your parents are right, repeat that in your mind. You may have to work on your self-esteem so you don't need couples by your side to be happy. But you're a good person, that you don't have a large number of friendships doesn't define how good you are.

If you need anything, this is your safe place.

Peace and be happy

 

[timf]

It sounds like you might have dodged a bullet with your Ex. If he is still flirting with you when he is supposed to be with someone else, he may not have proven to be faithful to you either.

You might try working part time or through a temp agency so that it might not be too stressful.

Your parents may be trying to be as encouraging as they can in the only way they know.

You might try calling a local hospital and ask to talk to a psychiatric nurse. You might find one who would be knowledgeable of different support groups and offer a suggestion.

 

[Celerity]

I'm so sorry. I think that if you're actively looking for a reason to live, you belong here in the Recovery forum. I can't imagine the burden a BPD diagnosis would be, but I have met people with BPD doing so well that I would never had guessed were diagnosed with it.

 

[worst.therapist]

parents and mental health is truly a bad combination, i kinda give up on trying to explain to mines

but like @timf said, they are doing what they can, its so hard to realise cuz most of the times they make us just feel more miserable (atleast for me)

also u've been going through alot, being in a bad mental state its actually normal and expected (but ye, it sucks)

i really wish you can find a reason/answers, anything that can make u feel better

stay safe, i'll be praying for you tonight

 

[Ceterum]

I don't think it's wrong to run on dual track.

I also have organised (and actually updated for years) my methods, yet I haven't taken the final stairs yet. I once told myself to see the world and could still ctb thereafter. Did it, was great, but did neither encoirage nor discourage ctb. Then I tried to get into a job, because it can't hurt, can still ctb. Got that as well then.

It's like the ability to finally ctb has made me somewhat more open for life as well.

 

[jhk]

First of all, it's ok, you're ok (for the clevers one it was reference to song Bonjr - it's ok, you're ok)
What already happend can't be rewinded, you need to keep going and don't stop on memories
If we talk about being lonely you can talk to me I speak fluent polish and half fluent english; it's helpful to talk to someone when u need it.
And at the end u shouldn't blame urself about everything around u, sometimes it's not ur fault

 

[Blondie]

I have exactly the same conditions as you apart from Hashimoto's! Feel free to pm me anytime if you wish to talk

 

[theboy]

U can :)