Venting I think I’m the dumbest person to exist

[catsandrocks]

I wish I was less gullible. I have no idea what the actual fuck is wrong with me.

I first felt suicidal when I was super young. My half ass attempt was trying to reach for the laundry detergent but being too short as a little kid. I was too short to climb onto the dryer for leverage. I'm 18 now, and it hasn't gotten any better. I've been through so many fucking treatment programs and have been sent off to different states against my will. They all promised to help me and told me to trust them. Then, they would give up and put me on waiting lists for long term residentials (basically, modern day asylums).

Unfortunately, I've started to gain hope again. I need to squash it as soon as physically possible. I can't be abandoned again. My therapist is actually trying to work out stuff, and it's honestly terrifying. Like a part of me believes her, but I know she's lying. I mean, this happens every fucking time.

I can't live, though. Like I can't fucking do this. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. It's my time. But I also don't want to traumatize her with the idea that she knew a client was suicidal but killed themselves. How do I stop being so gullible?

I know a lot of you are older than me, so maybe you can bring some wisdom to this situation.

Thank you

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're suffering Don't worry about therapists, they can take care of themselves, they're there to take care of you too, let them. Sorry you've been suicidal for so long, that's rough

 

[its-about-time]

My therapist works with me a lot on "parts" within me. I think it's a popular thing for therapists to do right now, but it works for me. My "protector" part sounds like yours— it says, "never again will I allow myself to be in a situation where I get hurt like that." Never again. Hope is terrifying when the protector has the wheel. Hope requires being vulnerable. It's a risky game, you must be willing to push yourself knowing you might be hurt again like you were before… the way you swore you'd never allow yourself to be hurt again. Ask yourself what the worst case scenario is— what is the worst part about being let down again? Being hurt again? How have you coped in the past, how could you cope again? As well as, list out what your hopeful part is looking for… a miracle will never happen, so you have to be excited about the small grey-area steps in between… I too have hurt since a young age, and I wish so much good for you, I wish you bravery to be vulnerable and curiosity to explore your hesitations.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. I've been through a lot of programs and residentials. They are all scams who prey on desperate (and wealthy) families, even if some people are helped. It sounds like those places couldn't give you what you needed and failed you.

Are you saying you think you're gullible because you have hope that life could be worth living? I don't think that means you're gullible. It's normal to be ambivalent about suicide and hope can be one persistent asshole. Can you share a little more about what that hope looks like for you in terms of your future life?

Don't worry about your therapist. You're not responsible for her feelings and if she felt that suicidal patients were too much of a risk for you she would have long discovered that during the course of her education.

 

[Nirrend]

I wish I was less gullible. I have no idea what the actual fuck is wrong with me.

I first felt suicidal when I was super young. My half ass attempt was trying to reach for the laundry detergent but being too short as a little kid. I was too short to climb onto the dryer for leverage. I'm 18 now, and it hasn't gotten any better. I've been through so many fucking treatment programs and have been sent off to different states against my will. They all promised to help me and told me to trust them. Then, they would give up and put me on waiting lists for long term residentials (basically, modern day asylums).

Unfortunately, I've started to gain hope again. I need to squash it as soon as physically possible. I can't be abandoned again. My therapist is actually trying to work out stuff, and it's honestly terrifying. Like a part of me believes her, but I know she's lying. I mean, this happens every fucking time.

I can't live, though. Like I can't fucking do this. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. It's my time. But I also don't want to traumatize her with the idea that she knew a client was suicidal but killed themselves. How do I stop being so gullible?

I know a lot of you are older than me, so maybe you can bring some wisdom to this situation.

Thank you

Hi sweet @catsandrocks

I'm sorry you're suffering so much, no one deserves to go through this ❤

When I read you, I first try to understand what you mean by "being gullible". If by gullibility you imply purity, a form of "naivety", I think it all has an origin.

The fact that you wanted to hurt yourself at a very young age seems to show that this evil took root in you a long time ago.

Again, I don't know your life and I don't want to say things about you that are not true, but perhaps you lacked affection? Maybe your parents were not present enough for you? Maybe you were abused?

What saddens me is that you are suffering a lot and I am sorry for that ❤

I have the feeling and I think maybe today you feel immature, lonely, irresponsible, rejected or judged, without a future (because you must feel blocked and in difficulty to do things that are required by life I guess).. ❤

But isn't this "gullibility" that wounded child inside you all these years?

What also makes me wonder is when you say that you don't trust this therapy, that you can't trust the caregivers.

Why is that? Is there something to do with betrayal? Abuse?

Finally, I imagine that your daily life must be very stressful and I imagine that by feeling like you're not succeeding, you're starting to consider committing suicide...❤

Even though I imagine you feel ashamed, don't blame yourself, don't be hard on yourself. If I were you, I know I would have thought about it too ❤

Since you don't trust yourself and others, you isolate yourself, you feel alone, the world seems more and more hostile to you (and that's understandable) ❤

Don't you think you've suffered enough?

I think you need to stop for a moment, to think about all this, deeply, because maybe your malaise is rooted in personal, old, very painful things.

As soon as you trust others, as soon as you really understand what makes you feel like this, you will only feel better, and we all wish you that from the bottom of our hearts ❤

You're suffering but you have courage, you've been through a lot, trust yourself, trust us and trust those who wish you well ❤

Things will get better ❤ I believe it ❤

Keep us posted ❤

Love ❤

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. Yours sounds like a natural reaction though- I wouldn't say you were either dumb or gullible. We simply HAVE to put our trust in medical 'professionals.' Imagine saying to a sugeon- 'Sure you can take my kidney out but I don't want to be put under for it- I don't trust you to take the right one out.' Extreme example but you take my meaning? We HAVE to at least hope they are going to try and help us. Plus- we have to trust that they are acting in our interests.

Still, it's no wonder your previous experiences have made you wary and even question yourself. I just hope with every fibre of me that your current therapist does her job and helps. All the best to you.

 

[catsandrocks]

Hi sweet @catsandrocks

I'm sorry you're suffering so much, no one deserves to go through this ❤

When I read you, I first try to understand what you mean by "being gullible". If by gullibility you imply purity, a form of "naivety", I think it all has an origin.

The fact that you wanted to hurt yourself at a very young age seems to show that this evil took root in you a long time ago.

Again, I don't know your life and I don't want to say things about you that are not true, but perhaps you lacked affection? Maybe your parents were not present enough for you? Maybe you were abused?

What saddens me is that you are suffering a lot and I am sorry for that ❤

I have the feeling and I think maybe today you feel immature, lonely, irresponsible, rejected or judged, without a future (because you must feel blocked and in difficulty to do things that are required by life I guess).. ❤

But isn't this "gullibility" that wounded child inside you all these years?

What also makes me wonder is when you say that you don't trust this therapy, that you can't trust the caregivers.

Why is that? Is there something to do with betrayal? Abuse?

Finally, I imagine that your daily life must be very stressful and I imagine that by feeling like you're not succeeding, you're starting to consider committing suicide...❤

Even though I imagine you feel ashamed, don't blame yourself, don't be hard on yourself. If I were you, I know I would have thought about it too ❤

Since you don't trust yourself and others, you isolate yourself, you feel alone, the world seems more and more hostile to you (and that's understandable) ❤

Don't you think you've suffered enough?

I think you need to stop for a moment, to think about all this, deeply, because maybe your malaise is rooted in personal, old, very painful things.

As soon as you trust others, as soon as you really understand what makes you feel like this, you will only feel better, and we all wish you that from the bottom of our hearts ❤

You're suffering but you have courage, you've been through a lot, trust yourself, trust us and trust those who wish you well ❤

Things will get better ❤ I believe it ❤

Keep us posted ❤

Love ❤

Thank you so much for your kindness. I really appreciate it. It means a lot.

My parents are pretty emotionally dysregulated themselves. My dad is a refugee, and he tries to push away all of the trauma. All of his anger about his past just kind of landed on me and my little brother. I think it may be that and a combination of being sexually abused by my first therapist when I was much younger.

And you were completely accurate in every description. This is my first year in college (for clinical psychology, ironically), and my professors are pretty worried about me.

You're completely right about the wounded child, completely, and this insight is so valuable to me. I'll definitely be writing down a lot of what you said in my journal.

Thank you so much, and I will definitely keep you all updated.

I'm sorry. I've been through a lot of programs and residentials. They are all scams who prey on desperate (and wealthy) families, even if some people are helped. It sounds like those places couldn't give you what you needed and failed you.

Are you saying you think you're gullible because you have hope that life could be worth living? I don't think that means you're gullible. It's normal to be ambivalent about suicide and hope can be one persistent asshole. Can you share a little more about what that hope looks like for you in terms of your future life?

Don't worry about your therapist. You're not responsible for her feelings and if she felt that suicidal patients were too much of a risk for you she would have long discovered that during the course of her education.

I definitely agree with your insight about residentials. The majority of the ones I have been to definitely prioritize my parents before my own needs.

I guess the hope I have is more long-term than short-term. It's my first year of college, and I am already missing so many assignments, and I feel completely overwhelmed. So, short-term-wise, there's not much. But in the long term, I just want to be "normal," whatever that means. I'd really, really love to become a clinical psychologist! That hope just seems so far removed since I really did not plan to make it this far, if that makes sense.

That's a good point about my therapist. I know she specializes in suicidality, so I hope I don't stress her out, too much.

My therapist works with me a lot on "parts" within me. I think it's a popular thing for therapists to do right now, but it works for me. My "protector" part sounds like yours— it says, "never again will I allow myself to be in a situation where I get hurt like that." Never again. Hope is terrifying when the protector has the wheel. Hope requires being vulnerable. It's a risky game, you must be willing to push yourself knowing you might be hurt again like you were before… the way you swore you'd never allow yourself to be hurt again. Ask yourself what the worst case scenario is— what is the worst part about being let down again? Being hurt again? How have you coped in the past, how could you cope again? As well as, list out what your hopeful part is looking for… a miracle will never happen, so you have to be excited about the small grey-area steps in between… I too have hurt since a young age, and I wish so much good for you, I wish you bravery to be vulnerable and curiosity to explore your hesitations.

That definitely makes sense. I'm definitely going to bring this up with her. Thank you very much!

I'm so sorry. Yours sounds like a natural reaction though- I wouldn't say you were either dumb or gullible. We simply HAVE to put our trust in medical 'professionals.' Imagine saying to a sugeon- 'Sure you can take my kidney out but I don't want to be put under for it- I don't trust you to take the right one out.' Extreme example but you take my meaning? We HAVE to at least hope they are going to try and help us. Plus- we have to trust that they are acting in our interests.

Still, it's no wonder your previous experiences have made you wary and even question yourself. I just hope with every fibre of me that your current therapist does her job and helps. All the best to you.

That definitely makes sense. Thank you so much, and I will keep you all updated!

 

[CTB Dream]

Not worry this understand, think self see want not other,not think dumb thidv overwhelm many thing can write here tell more experience, life suffer pain ctb all overwhelm topic real life no support not worry here hope eupport

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I definitely agree with your insight about residentials. The majority of the ones I have been to definitely prioritize my parents before my own needs.

I guess the hope I have is more long-term than short-term. It's my first year of college, and I am already missing so many assignments, and I feel completely overwhelmed. So, short-term-wise, there's not much. But in the long term, I just want to be "normal," whatever that means. I'd really, really love to become a clinical psychologist! That hope just seems so far removed since I really did not plan to make it this far, if that makes sense.

That's a good point about my therapist. I know she specializes in suicidality, so I hope I don't stress her out, too much.

Yeah, and since it's mental health the patients are always blamed for poor outcomes. But there is no way that they deserve ALL the responsibility.

It's normal to struggle with your first year, even if other people aren't necessarily suicidal (though many students find their way here). Does your school have any mental health support you could use (though I know it doesn't tend to be of very high quality)? Your desire for normalcy is understandable. I think a worthwhile life is in your reach. I don't think it can be rules out at 18. Your dream of being a psychologist is certainly feasible. If you can channel your own experiences, and I think you can, you'll be an even more effective psychologist than otherwise.

I know it's hard to switch to life mode when you've been on death mode. It's hard to accept short-term pain for long-term benefit that seems so remote and perhaps barely possible. But I think it can get easier.

By the way, I definitely have had that same thought in your titles and doubtlessly many others have too, here and elsewhere. Therefore, it can't really be the case, even if it feels that way.