I think I'm ready.

[kilowatt]

I'm finally at peace with the idea of death and leaving everything behind for my own sake. I have sorted out my plan the best I can, which I'm going to use in november, I'm just not going to mention the date yet. I never thought I'd make up my mind so early, just 2 months ago I was thinking I'd CTB in a 4 year range, and look at me now, ready to go in 1 month.
I'm going to be using the train method. That might already sound bad to some people, but I've taken into consideration most of the details. I do not care for whom is going to clean up my body or the train driver. I'm sorry that sounds selfish, indeed I'll try my best to reduce the mess and the vision of the driver as I'll do it at night time, but I highly doubt either of those people hasn't seen such situation before if that's really part of their job. For once in my life I want to put my peace above others.
I'd like the plan to go the following way: I'm going to have my girlfriend cover for me while I'm gone from home. I am 19F and I still live with my mother, and even as an adult she's harsh on allowing me to go out at dangerous times, which I find reasonable. I'll be telling my mom I'm staying the night at my girlfriend's. I would leave the house at around 4pm because there's a long way to the location. The exact place I'll be going for is in the middle of a field, a few kilometers away from the closest train station, just so I can catch the train going at a higher speed and I can be alone for a while. I'm supposed to arrive there by 5pm. That's when I'm going to organize my goodbye letters and tell my online friends (very long distance) I'm not going to be around anymore. That shouldn't be taking me too long, then right after I'll ingest just enough alcohol to reduce my SI but not affect my ability to think straight that much. I've tested my limits before and experimented with it very recently for this sake, so I hope I have that covered well enough. Then it's gonna be around 20 minutes of waiting until it kicks in, time in which I'll log out of most platforms and apps on my phone and make sure it's clean enough in case they check it. All I have left to do after that is wait for the following train and put my head on the tracks when it gets close enough. Note it'd be around 6pm by that time, during winter time that is already dark outside here. The only thing that's worrying me is the weather, but I've done some research and that wouldn't affect me much unless it rains.
P.S. I have already calculated the speed of the train and the exact measurements of my upper body to see how to exactly place my neck. No, the trains here do not have cow catchers or any suicide preventing measures, in fact some of them have a pretty big gap between the track and train because of the size of the wheels. The phone cleaning process is a whole another process which I also have planned out, not just deleting some files here and there.
I'm still throughly thinking about the plan, trying to improve it daily, but any tips would be appreciated. Please do not judge me, I'm trying my best. All I wish for is to get out of this hellhole and have an endless peaceful rest. Thank you SS community for helping me so far, and I hope I'll be able to help others too for as long as I'm still on here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans and I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.

 

[briarrose]

this sounds very thoroughly thought out, though i already know that due to the fact i've seen your threads around a few times. i always click them because i love your profile picture haha. even though i only joined this site recently, i'll miss seeing you around. but if you've thought this long and hard about the specifics, you are clearly doing what is best for you, and i will not judge or condemn you for it. i hope you find the peace you are looking for. godspeed.

 

[kilowatt]

this sounds very thoroughly thought out, though i already know that due to the fact i've seen your threads around a few times. i always click them because i love your profile picture haha. even though i only joined this site recently, i'll miss seeing you around. but if you've thought this long and hard about the specifics, you are clearly doing what is best for you, and i will not judge or condemn you for it. i hope you find the peace you are looking for. godspeed.

Thank you very much! :3 I really appreciate it.

 

[avaruus]

"just 2 months ago I was thinking I'd CTB in a 4 year range, and look at me now, ready to go in 1 month."
I can totally relate to this, i'll too be going this month, even though that wasn't the plan just a month ago.

But anyways, sounds like a good, well thought plan.
I hope you find peace.

 

[kilowatt]

"just 2 months ago I was thinking I'd CTB in a 4 year range, and look at me now, ready to go in 1 month."
I can totally relate to this, i'll too be going this month, even though that wasn't the plan just a month ago.

But anyways, sounds like a good, well thought plan.
I hope you find peace.

Thanks, I hope your plans go well too, hope you reach the peace you're seeking.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Damn, I have to say you're really ballsy, at least to me. I was considering myself train decapitation, with the difference I wanted to OD with benzos and fall asleep in the right position. But I don't think I could bring myself to it, like what if you move during your sleep. Maybe the train gets your arm instead of the head lol. To be fair I suffer from anxiety so I tend to worry too much, most of the times.
I wish you good luck in achieving your goals!

 

[kilowatt]

Damn, I have to say you're really ballsy, at least to me. I was considering myself train decapitation, with the difference I wanted to OD with benzos and fall asleep in the right position. But I don't think I could bring myself to it, like what if you move during your sleep. Maybe the train gets your arm instead of the head lol. To be fair I suffer from anxiety so I tend to worry too much, most of the times.
I wish you good luck in achieving your goals!

Hhaha thanks, I actually dont fear SI as much since I've been used to laying on train tracks a lot, but as I can't predict it I consider it better to beware and reduce it as much as possible. I think being awake during it would give me more control of myself, even if I was under the influence of alcohol, I'd also be scared if I had to rely on the position I passed out in. But thank you for your input!

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm finally at peace with the idea of death and leaving everything behind for my own sake. I have sorted out my plan the best I can, which I'm going to use in november, I'm just not going to mention the date yet. I never thought I'd make up my mind so early, just 2 months ago I was thinking I'd CTB in a 4 year range, and look at me now, ready to go in 1 month.
I'm going to be using the train method. That might already sound bad to some people, but I've taken into consideration most of the details. I do not care for whom is going to clean up my body or the train driver. I'm sorry that sounds selfish, indeed I'll try my best to reduce the mess and the vision of the driver as I'll do it at night time, but I highly doubt either of those people hasn't seen such situation before if that's really part of their job. For once in my life I want to put my peace above others.
I'd like the plan to go the following way: I'm going to have my girlfriend cover for me while I'm gone from home. I am 19F and I still live with oulndmy mother, and even as an adult she's harsh on allowing me to go out at dangerous times, which I find reasonable. I'll be telling my mom I'm staying the night at my girlfriend's. I would leave the house at around 4pm because there's a long way to the location. The exact place I'll be going for is in the middle of a field, a few kilometers away from the closest train station, just so I can catch the train going at a higher speed and I can be alone for a while. I'm supposed to arrive there by 5pm. That's when I'm going to organize my goodbye letters and tell my online friends (very long distance) I'm not going to be around anymore. That shouldn't be taking me too long, then right after I'll ingest just enough alcohol to reduce my SI but not affect my ability to think straight that much. I've tested my limits before and experimented with it very recently for this sake, so I hope I have that covered well enough. Then it's gonna be around 20 minutes of waiting until it kicks in, time in which I'll log out of most platforms and apps on my phone and make sure it's clean enough in case they check it. All I have left to do after that is wait for the following train and put my head on the tracks when it gets close enough. Note it'd be around 6pm by that time, during winter time that is already dark outside here. The only thing that's worrying me is the weather, but I've done some research and that wouldn't affect me much unless it rains.
P.S. I have already calculated the speed of the train and the exact measurements of my upper body to see how to exactly place my neck. No, the trains here do not have cow catchers or any suicide preventing measures, in fact some of them have a pretty big gap between the track and train because of the size of the wheels. The phone cleaning process is a whole another process which I also have planned out, not just deleting some files here and there.
I'm still throughly thinking about the plan, trying to improve it daily, but any tips would be appreciated. Please do not judge me, I'm trying my best. All I wish for is to get out of this hellhole and have an endless peaceful rest. Thank you SS community for helping me so far, and I hope I'll be able to help others too for as long as I'm still on here.

I hope you find peace. I would caution you against doing it by train because if it goes wrong it will go disastrously so.... Then again not like for me hanging is better... As far as the train driver or whoever finds you? Who cares. They wouldn't lift a finger for you. Society only cares about itself. No reason to have a conscience about it... I hope you find peace.

 

[kilowatt]

I hope you find peace. I would caution you against doing it by train because if it goes wrong it will go disastrously so.... Then again not like for me hanging is better... As far as the train driver or whoever finds you? Who cares. They wouldn't lift a finger for you. Society only cares about itself. No reason to have a conscience about it... I hope you find peace.

I thought about hanging before and attempted it once but I doubt I could handle it til the end. It's probably just not for me. I'm aware train method is a very risky and violent one, that's why I'm doing my best to plan it out neatly - in my case it's probably the best option I have. Thanks for your regards.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I thought about hanging before and attempted it once but I doubt I could handle it til the end. It's probably just not for me. I'm aware train method is a very risky and violent one, that's why I'm doing my best to plan it out neatly - in my case it's probably the best option I have. Thanks for your regards.

I know how it is to only bad options with large implied "risk". Like I said in the prior post I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[barelyrussian]

I thought about hanging before and attempted it once but I doubt I could handle it til the end. It's probably just not for me. I'm aware train method is a very risky and violent one, that's why I'm doing my best to plan it out neatly - in my case it's probably the best option I have. Thanks for your regards.

I'm so sorry to hear how you've been driven to having to do suck a gruesome method

I personally have had very good success with partial hanging (albeit when I recently 'attempted' for the first time with it I freaked myself out when I was very close to succeeding) partial hanging is something that is diffrent for alot of people but practicing safely can help you find what works well for you if you ever consider it

Either way it sounds like you have your plan well thought out, I could never go through with a method like this, I hope when it comes down to it it'll go well.