Venting I think I'm ready to go

[JustABitTired]

Today, on instagram, I saw my ex (30) of nearly 3 years dressed up lovingly gazing at the new girl (26) in his life. They'll probably get married and have children. This shouldn't have devastated me or pushed me towards suicide. However, I was holding out hope that I was going to be that girl given we were on a date 3 weeks ago, and still talking 2 weeks ago. He said he was had started seeing her almost 2 weeks ago and would date her if she lived in London.

On Nov. 26, he was crying and telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.

To say I am broken won't fully explain how I feel. I know killing myself won't win him back; but it's not for him, it's for me. I'm in AGONY. I can't live through this pain. I can't. We've been up and down since August and that nearly floored me but this. He truly doesn't care and doesn't love me anymore and I feel so, so ashamed because I still loved him. And a tiny part of me hoped?

I ordered SN when he first mentioned her and it's arrived. I don't want to die you guys - I'm so scared and so ashamed that I feel this way but I genuinely can't see a path forward, I can't keep going through this pain. There's really not enough tears to express how sad and broken I am. I'm 29 and look at my life. My body won't get found until work rings around 1 month later and I can't tell anyone I'm doing this for obvious reasons. I feel like if I don't do it now, I never will.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I relate to this in a big way. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this kind of pain. I wish I could say something to help or give you some good advice but I'm so lost with it myself.
Whatever you decide to do, I really hope things work out for you. My heart really does go out to you in this one

 

[JustABitTired]

I relate to this in a big way. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this kind of pain. I wish I could say something to help or give you some good advice but I'm so lost with it myself.
Whatever you decide to do, I really hope things work out for you. My heart really does go out to you in this one

Thank you and likewise - I really hope any pain goes away for you <3

 

[tilly17]

Today, on instagram, I saw my ex (30) of nearly 3 years dressed up lovingly gazing at the new girl (26) in his life. They'll probably get married and have children. This shouldn't have devastated me or pushed me towards suicide. However, I was holding out hope that I was going to be that girl given we were on a date 3 weeks ago, and still talking 2 weeks ago. He said he was had started seeing her almost 2 weeks ago and would date her if she lived in London.

On Nov. 26, he was crying and telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.

To say I am broken won't fully explain how I feel. I know killing myself won't win him back; but it's not for him, it's for me. I'm in AGONY. I can't live through this pain. I can't. We've been up and down since August and that nearly floored me but this. He truly doesn't care and doesn't love me anymore and I feel so, so ashamed because I still loved him. And a tiny part of me hoped?

I ordered SN when he first mentioned her and it's arrived. I don't want to die you guys - I'm so scared and so ashamed that I feel this way but I genuinely can't see a path forward, I can't keep going through this pain. There's really not enough tears to express how sad and broken I am. I'm 29 and look at my life. My body won't get found until work rings around 1 month later and I can't tell anyone I'm doing this for obvious reasons. I feel like if I don't do it now, I never will.

I'm so sorry for your heartache

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I can also relate and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really just the worst emotional pain that throws up all sorts of triggers. Just know that you're not alone in your pain. Sorry I can't offer anything more useful than that, it's tough navigating through it myself let alone knowing what others should do. I hope you find some comfort from somewhere.

 

[LeapOfFaith]

Today, on instagram, I saw my ex (30) of nearly 3 years dressed up lovingly gazing at the new girl (26) in his life. They'll probably get married and have children. This shouldn't have devastated me or pushed me towards suicide. However, I was holding out hope that I was going to be that girl given we were on a date 3 weeks ago, and still talking 2 weeks ago. He said he was had started seeing her almost 2 weeks ago and would date her if she lived in London.

On Nov. 26, he was crying and telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.

To say I am broken won't fully explain how I feel. I know killing myself won't win him back; but it's not for him, it's for me. I'm in AGONY. I can't live through this pain. I can't. We've been up and down since August and that nearly floored me but this. He truly doesn't care and doesn't love me anymore and I feel so, so ashamed because I still loved him. And a tiny part of me hoped?

I ordered SN when he first mentioned her and it's arrived. I don't want to die you guys - I'm so scared and so ashamed that I feel this way but I genuinely can't see a path forward, I can't keep going through this pain. There's really not enough tears to express how sad and broken I am. I'm 29 and look at my life. My body won't get found until work rings around 1 month later and I can't tell anyone I'm doing this for obvious reasons. I feel like if I don't do it now, I never will.

Hey, first off, I can relate to this. My long-term relationship shattered to pieces a while ago as well. I do not know how you feel, but I died inside. I had enough going on in my life prior to this. Love is pure torture of the soul when it ends. You should not feel ashamed to think those thoughts. It's actually very common to contemplate it.. if you do some research regarding it. You said that you did not wish to die therefore I truly believe that you should slow down and try to remove that guy from your life if possible. Block him, delete everything, totally erase him out of your life so you do not get reminded by gifts, pictures etc. That helped me quite a lot when going through the break-up. It's not a quick fix I am still not over her.. but it gets easier for every day now. You were obviously capable of loving another person, I am sure it's his loss more than yours. I for one am totally 100% certain that no one can love my ex the way I did, it's impossible. It breaks my heart that you had to experience this.. this world can be so fucked up sometimes.
Love

 

[JustABitTired]

Thank you guys for your kind words I slept on it thinking it would be better this morning and it isn't. It's worse. I couldn't sleep properly without thinking about him and her and I feel so exhausted. My chest feels tight, I feel like I can't take a deep breath and my heart starts pounding when I think of them. You're both right about it being the worst emotional pain and torture ever. It feels like grief. I can't imagine more days like this - I just don't see it in my future.

@GoneSoon23 I know what you mean about no one being able to love that person the way you could. This is what's killing me. I genuinely would have given anything for this person. I was so sure I'd spend my future with them and it feels like they've taken my future with them but left me behind?

I don't think I can keep this up much longer - I think I'm feeling less scared now. The only thing I don't have is a strong anti-emetic (I have buccastem m). I feel like dying is thr only option left to me.

 

[LittleJem]

Hi, we're you feeling like this before the break up too? Because if not, please give yourself time to get over it. They say as long as you were in the relationship is the time it can take you to fully get over it.

 

[LeapOfFaith]

Thank you guys for your kind words I slept on it thinking it would be better this morning and it isn't. It's worse. I couldn't sleep properly without thinking about him and her and I feel so exhausted. My chest feels tight, I feel like I can't take a deep breath and my heart starts pounding when I think of them. You're both right about it being the worst emotional pain and torture ever. It feels like grief. I can't imagine more days like this - I just don't see it in my future.

@GoneSoon23 I know what you mean about no one being able to love that person the way you could. This is what's killing me. I genuinely would have given anything for this person. I was so sure I'd spend my future with them and it feels like they've taken my future with them but left me behind?

I don't think I can keep this up much longer - I think I'm feeling less scared now. The only thing I don't have is a strong anti-emetic (I have buccastem m). I feel like dying is thr only option left to me.

Yes it felt similar to that for me as well. All the future plans ruined. I were set to buy a house with her, start a family, go on vacations etc with her. I felt comfort in not having to date over and over again hoping to find my true love. I felt that I finally found the one I could spend the rest of my life with.. and now she is gone. The void and loneliness that leaves you in is horrible. It also feels like someone forced a "new" future on you that you did not choose for yourself. I think that is the part that was the hardest for me to get through. I had a hard time accepting the fact that she decided to choose a different path without me.. leaving me to find a new path as well. She "monkey-branched" over to her new relationship.. so it's basically a "grass is always greener" type of situation. She won't be happy with him.. I am sure. I fucking hate how I visualized them having sex in my dreams.. It's those things that are truly awful and hurtful to think about. I do not know how you function.. but I did all those things I wrote about above and then I also wrote down all the things I disliked about the relationship and how her actions made me feel.
After I read my notes I understood that she wasn't that good of a person to me in the end. She treated me like shit. But she wasn't like that the first few years. So I basically tried to read those notes over and over again until I convinced myself that I did not miss her in her current state. I missed how she were in the beginning of the relationship. I do not know if anything of this helps you.. but I thought I could share a little bit about my experience. I hope you can take away something from it. I felt totally ruined for a couple months. I could not eat the first week after the break-up, I had panic attacks 2-3 times a day. I had to take medication to sleep. But after a couple of months (7-8) I am feeling like I used to before.

I just think about her couple of mins a day now. But I am always reminding myself that she did change and wasn't the one I once fell in love with at the end. I am not ready to love again yet but hopefully I will be in the future.

Do not hesitate to send me a PM if you want to speak about it. I really feel for you. It's truly horrible.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you have to endure and your feelings of wishing to be free from all the pain are understandable. It really is such a cruel existence where such endless suffering exists, and it's tragic how this life can torture people. Best wishes.

 

[brokensea]

Going through this heartache is one of the worst feelings you can go through. Especially when they play mind games with you and give you hope then crush it over and over again.

My ex and I were trying to have a baby. I was trying to get pregnant as an older mom and had a very limited window left. He said he loved me more than anyone. Would never hurt me. Wanted to be with me forever. That I could trust him. He went back to his ex he said cause he was worried about losing custody of his daughter since they were going through a divorce when we got together. Said he didn't love me. His ex wife came first and she's the mother of his child. He said he could only text me and never speak to me again. The stress caused me to have a miscarriage and I lost our baby. He never even called me. Now I am too old to have kids. I have been in a severe depression for 3 years and barely leave my house or even get out of bed. They bought a house together. He wrote her a poem about how he'd love her forever on Valentines Day when he had said the same to me just a month before that and it tore me to shreds. I just rocked back and forth crying, the grief, pain and anger was indescribable. The magnitude of his betrayal and that it changed my life forever I have no real words for it. He also strung me along for months wasting time I had left to try to have a baby before he finally dumped me. I also never got close to anyone or had any hope of a life with someone for over ten years before I met him since I had a fiancé who CTB'd 10 years before we met. So this utterly destroyed me and I haven't even dated anyone since then 3 years ago and this pain he caused me feels like it happened yesterday. I have not healed at all.

So I know this gut wrenching pain that is like being tortured beyond your limit and every second is gasping for air and living a world that's been utterly destroyed forever. It is absolutely hell. It is intolerable. It is insurmountable and makes you panic. It is true abandonment and betrayal of your very soul. You would do anything to have things be different or to have the love they promised you but no matter what you do. No matter how you cry, how lost you feel. How much better death would feel than this it doesn't change anything. No matter what you do for all eternity you will never have that happiness back.

But there is also truth in that this person does not and did not ever deserve you. Who they are is not who they pretended to be. During the love bombing, the intimate moments that open your soul, the happiness you feel. The hope and joy. None of it was real. Think of how great actors can be when you get caught up in watching a great romance. I feel it's like that. These betrayers live in the moment and their feelings are transitory. They aren't real or committed or a decent person. They are scum. They cause life long damage because they on a whimsy enjoy pretending to feel things for a time. This person you loved is dead. That's how I think of it. This made up imaginary person they pretended to be is dead. Now someone else, an ahole replaced them. So mourn the person you loved who was real to you. Think of them as being gone. They exist in time in memories and moments that were real for you. That love came from you. No one who loves you is going to play around with you like that. You would not be happy with a person who does that. They cannot become what you wanted them or needed them to be. If you got with them now you'd be miserable. They don't have the qualities or worth to give someone true love. Sometimes what we want isn't always what's best for us. If you don't want to die then don't die over someone so worthless. Just get through every second and then another second and distract yourself as best you can. It's not easy but many people go through horrific break ups and find someone later and are happy. It is too late for me but you can have a connection with someone else even though it's hard to imagine now. Someone who actually loves you and would never do that to you.

I don't really have any easy answers but if you can vent to friends or see a therapist and you only want to die from pain that you can't manage right in the moment then you need support. At least give things time and make a clear decision. You don't want to act on pain in extreme distress just to make the pain go away. You need to make sure this is what you really want to do. It doesn't feel like you can survive the pain but it's amazing what we can endure. If you do have any inkling and want to live and this is the main reason for you wanting to be gone.

You didn't deserve this. This wasn't fair. No one should mislead someone's heart. It's cruel and they don't deserve your love. Knock them off the pedestal. You'd be miserable with a person who treats other people that way and look what he's doing to that girl too while playing around with you. This person cannot give you the love you need. They don't have it in them to give. What they gave you was a fantasy and a dream unrealized.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

Going through this heartache is one of the worst feelings you can go through. Especially when they play mind games with you and give you hope then crush it over and over again.

My ex and I were trying to have a baby. I was trying to get pregnant as an older mom and had a very limited window left. He said he loved me more than anyone. Would never hurt me. Wanted to be with me forever. That I could trust him. He went back to his ex he said cause he was worried about losing custody of his daughter since they were going through a divorce when we got together. Said he didn't love me. His ex wife came first and she's the mother of his child. He said he could only text me and never speak to me again. The stress caused me to have a miscarriage and I lost our baby. He never even called me. Now I am too old to have kids. I have been in a severe depression for 3 years and barely leave my house or even get out of bed. They bought a house together. He wrote her a poem about how he'd love her forever on Valentines Day when he had said the same to me just a month before that and it tore me to shreds. I just rocked back and forth crying, the grief, pain and anger was indescribable. The magnitude of his betrayal and that it changed my life forever I have no real words for it. He also strung me along for months wasting time I had left to try to have a baby before he finally dumped me. I also never got close to anyone or had any hope of a life with someone for over ten years before I met him since I had a fiancé who CTB'd 10 years before we met. So this utterly destroyed me and I haven't even dated anyone since then 3 years ago and this pain he caused me feels like it happened yesterday. I have not healed at all.

So I know this gut wrenching pain that is like being tortured beyond your limit and every second is gasping for air and living a world that's been utterly destroyed forever. It is absolutely hell. It is intolerable. It is insurmountable and makes you panic. It is true abandonment and betrayal of your very soul. You would do anything to have things be different or to have the love they promised you but no matter what you do. No matter how you cry, how lost you feel. How much better death would feel than this it doesn't change anything. No matter what you do for all eternity you will never have that happiness back.

But there is also truth in that this person does not and did not ever deserve you. Who they are is not who they pretended to be. During the love bombing, the intimate moments that open your soul, the happiness you feel. The hope and joy. None of it was real. Think of how great actors can be when you get caught up in watching a great romance. I feel it's like that. These betrayers live in the moment and their feelings are transitory. They aren't real or committed or a decent person. They are scum. They cause life long damage because they on a whimsy enjoy pretending to feel things for a time. This person you loved is dead. That's how I think of it. This made up imaginary person they pretended to be is dead. Now someone else, an ahole replaced them. So mourn the person you loved who was real to you. Think of them as being gone. They exist in time in memories and moments that were real for you. That love came from you. No one who loves you is going to play around with you like that. You would not be happy with a person who does that. They cannot become what you wanted them or needed them to be. If you got with them now you'd be miserable. They don't have the qualities or worth to give someone true love. Sometimes what we want isn't always what's best for us. If you don't want to die then don't die over someone so worthless. Just get through every second and then another second and distract yourself as best you can. It's not easy but many people go through horrific break ups and find someone later and are happy. It is too late for me but you can have a connection with someone else even though it's hard to imagine now. Someone who actually loves you and would never do that to you.

I don't really have any easy answers but if you can vent to friends or see a therapist and you only want to die from pain that you can't manage right in the moment then you need support. At least give things time and make a clear decision. You don't want to act on pain in extreme distress just to make the pain go away. You need to make sure this is what you really want to do. It doesn't feel like you can survive the pain but it's amazing what we can endure. If you do have any inkling and want to live and this is the main reason for you wanting to be gone.

You didn't deserve this. This wasn't fair. No one should mislead someone's heart. It's cruel and they don't deserve your love. Knock them off the pedestal. You'd be miserable with a person who treats other people that way and look what he's doing to that girl too while playing around with you. This person cannot give you the love you need. They don't have it in them to give. What they gave you was a fantasy and a dream unrealized.

Amazing post. Thank you so much for your perspective.

 

[JustABitTired]

it felt similar to that for me as well. All the future plans ruined. I were set to buy a house with her, start a family, go on vacations etc with her. I felt comfort in not having to date over and over again hoping to find my true love. I felt that I finally found the one I could spend the rest of my life with.. and now she is gone. The void and loneliness that leaves you in is horrible. It also feels like someone forced a "new" future on you that you did not choose for yourself. I think that is the part that was the hardest for me to get through. I had a hard time accepting the fact that she decided to choose a different path without me.. leaving me to find a new path as well. She "monkey-branched" over to her new relationship.. so it's basically a "grass is always greener" type of situation. She won't be happy with him.. I am sure.

...this is exactly how I feel...I can't believe it. This is almost word-for-word my situation. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself or my life because 'we' built up our ideal future together and in doing so, I didn't spend time building a vision for my individual future at all. I also cut my parents off and moved out of the family house to rent on my own for the first time so I feel like since we've been on/off (August 18th), I've been adrift. I'm 29, I have a good paying job, and yet, since my ex started pulling away/yoyo-ing in and out of my life, I feel like I'm a 13 year old child abandoned in a foreign city. I'm scared - part of the reason I want to CTB is I don't know how to craft a new future :(

I'm really having a hard time accepting them leaving me for their ideal life too. It feels like now they are earning £300K+ per year, they want something better, different. But I was there with them all that time, supporting them through those interviews. I would have loved him even if he were penniless. He literally monkey-branched me too :(

Gosh, I didn't realise talking about this would hit me this hard but also help so much. Thank you everyone. @brokensea thank you for taking the time to write - I need to take a break right now because I'm struggling to see the screen through teary eyes, but I'll reply later after a break <3

 

[LeapOfFaith]

...this is exactly how I feel...I can't believe it. This is almost word-for-word my situation. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself or my life because 'we' built up our ideal future together and in doing so, I didn't spend time building a vision for my individual future at all. I also cut my parents off and moved out of the family house to rent on my own for the first time so I feel like since we've been on/off (August 18th), I've been adrift. I'm 29, I have a good paying job, and yet, since my ex started pulling away/yoyo-ing in and out of my life, I feel like I'm a 13 year old child abandoned in a foreign city. I'm scared - part of the reason I want to CTB is I don't know how to craft a new future :(

I'm really having a hard time accepting them leaving me for their ideal life too. It feels like now they are earning £300K+ per year, they want something better, different. But I was there with them all that time, supporting them through those interviews. I would have loved him even if he were penniless. He literally monkey-branched me too :(

Gosh, I didn't realise talking about this would hit me this hard but also help so much. Thank you everyone. @brokensea thank you for taking the time to write - I need to take a break right now because I'm struggling to see the screen through teary eyes, but I'll reply later after a break <3

You do not have to take my advice.. but I would suggest letting it hurt for a while. Work through your feelings either by yourself, with the help of this forum or a therapist. The worst thing to do right now would be throwing yourself into a new relationship without being fully healed.
Take your time a couple of months or a year to heal and to try figuring out what you want your future to look like without rushing. Reconnect (if possible?) with your family. Take it slow and do not try to suppress your emotions. But remember that you are better than him, one does not treat another person in that way. To push another person to the brink of suicide by playing with their emotions in the way he did... it's selfish and not worthy of either your love or time imo. In a way it's easier to get over someone who treated you poorly, since you can use those parts of the relationship as fuel to move forward. I was blind to the way my ex treated me before I actually wrote down the things I had experienced in the relationship, then it was very apparent..I had 5 A4 pages of really horrible stuff she put me through. She probably grew accustomed to me staying with her no matter what..

I was deadset at being together with her to the point of not being able to care for my own happiness & self-worth, I fell in love with her head over heels the first two years. We created this imaginary picture perfect future together which she always reminded me of after she had hurt me. I did not know who I was without her.. I had lost myself in the relationship, much in a way that you describe. That was why it was so hard for me to recognize when she shifted attitude towards me. After all.. at her good days she treated me well.. but those days went further and further apart. When I spoke to my parents and friends about the relationship they could not understand how I could have let myself stay for so long in that toxic relationship.
But that does not change the fact that I miss the good parts in the first years of us being together. Now in retrospect I am frustrated that I spent that much time with her just for her to play with my emotions, so In a way I am glad that it's over because that gives me time to prepare for my next relationship

Remember that a person seldom changes their way of behaving from one relationship to another, in a few years or months.. the one which he is seeing now might very well be in the same situation you are in now.. money can't change that.

You seem to be a very loving induvidual. There are lots of "lost" souls out there searching for their soulmate, you will find someone at some point. I am sure of it, but be a bit selfish and focus on yourself first. I am glad that you found at least some relief in talking to us here

 

[myownpetvirus]

Thank you guys for your kind words I slept on it thinking it would be better this morning and it isn't. It's worse. I couldn't sleep properly without thinking about him and her and I feel so exhausted. My chest feels tight, I feel like I can't take a deep breath and my heart starts pounding when I think of them. You're both right about it being the worst emotional pain and torture ever. It feels like grief. I can't imagine more days like this - I just don't see it in my future.

@GoneSoon23 I know what you mean about no one being able to love that person the way you could. This is what's killing me. I genuinely would have given anything for this person. I was so sure I'd spend my future with them and it feels like they've taken my future with them but left me behind?

I don't think I can keep this up much longer - I think I'm feeling less scared now. The only thing I don't have is a strong anti-emetic (I have buccastem m). I feel like dying is thr only option left to me.

This is not a decision to be rushed. You have to KNOW you're ready to go and be looking forward to it. It sounds like you have some hope and many people do get over breakups. Is that the sole reason you want to ctb?

 

[byebyered]

Block your ex on social media , trust me girl. STOP LOOKING AT HIS SOCIAL MEDIA!! I know it's hard! I feel exactly what you're feeling. I wake up every morning with chest pains because I miss him so much. It's hurts but there's soooo many of us dealing with heartbreak right now it sounds like he was breadcrumbing you. This relationship with this new girl might not even last long, it sounds like a rebound. I would give more corny advice but I'm in need of it myself ): I know how you're feeling and it really is the worst pain ever. I'm so so sorry OP. Delete his number, don't let him lead you on or prolong your healing. *virtual hugs*

 

[Truth1234]

...this is exactly how I feel...I can't believe it. This is almost word-for-word my situation. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself or my life because 'we' built up our ideal future together and in doing so, I didn't spend time building a vision for my individual future at all. I also cut my parents off and moved out of the family house to rent on my own for the first time so I feel like since we've been on/off (August 18th), I've been adrift. I'm 29, I have a good paying job, and yet, since my ex started pulling away/yoyo-ing in and out of my life, I feel like I'm a 13 year old child abandoned in a foreign city. I'm scared - part of the reason I want to CTB is I don't know how to craft a new future :(

I'm really having a hard time accepting them leaving me for their ideal life too. It feels like now they are earning £300K+ per year, they want something better, different. But I was there with them all that time, supporting them through those interviews. I would have loved him even if he were penniless. He literally monkey-branched me too :(

Gosh, I didn't realise talking about this would hit me this hard but also help so much. Thank you everyone. @brokensea thank you for taking the time to write - I need to take a break right now because I'm struggling to see the screen through teary eyes, but I'll reply later after a break <3

I am in the same boat as you. I totally understand.