I think I'm ready to ctb.

[vacillating_ideation]

I left one of my jobs today and bought a nylon rope on the way home. I might linger for a little while just to see if there's a chance I can find another job or ever feel secure, but I'm not counting on it. Binge watching Better Call Saul and trying to forget about my life for now. Things were as good as they could get, and I wanted to ctb. I can't think of a good reason to hang in there if things are going to get harder and I'll be anymore miserable. I'm defective and worthless and that will never change.

And I feel like I've debunked all of those things people say about how suicide is wrong. Not in my case. I'm not hurting anyone. Things aren't going to get better because this isn't a temporary problem that will resolve with time. I'll always be on the outside looking in. I don't think I'm even a real human being. Why this moral injunction to keep living if you can't actually participate in life? People seem either superficial or outright hostile. And over time, I embody those things more and more: hostility cloaked in superficiality with no one left inside.

I can't get close to people. I can't be competent. Nothing will change that. I can't even be presentable! I'll come straight out of the shower and still look dirty. Why bother washing at all?

I know the time is getting close because I can hear through the veil more than ever. It feels and sounds like I'm surrounded by ghosts, like escorts are gathering around me. Who knows what the destination is? But I doubt it will differ whether I die tonight or decades from now.

See you on the other side.

 

[Taki]

Did something happen today?

 

[JoeFailure]

I left one of my jobs today and bought a nylon rope on the way home. I might linger for a little while just to see if there's a chance I can find another job or ever feel secure, but I'm not counting on it. Binge watching Better Call Saul and trying to forget about my life for now. Things were as good as they could get, and I wanted to ctb. I can't think of a good reason to hang in there if things are going to get harder and I'll be anymore miserable. I'm defective and worthless and that will never change.

And I feel like I've debunked all of those things people say about how suicide is wrong. Not in my case. I'm not hurting anyone. Things aren't going to get better because this isn't a temporary problem that will resolve with time. I'll always be on the outside looking in. I don't think I'm even a real human being. Why this moral injunction to keep living if you can't actually participate in life? People seem either superficial or outright hostile. And over time, I embody those things more and more: hostility cloaked in superficiality with no one left inside.

I can't get close to people. I can't be competent. Nothing will change that. I can't even be presentable! I'll come straight out of the shower and still look dirty. Why bother washing at all?

I know the time is getting close because I can hear through the veil more than ever. It feels and sounds like I'm surrounded by ghosts, like escorts are gathering around me. Who knows what the destination is? But I doubt it will differ whether I die tonight or decades from now.

See you on the other side.

Here if you need to talk. I don't know your story or anything but just from someone who's felt at the end a few times.

 

[Tazmaniac]

I left one of my jobs today and bought a nylon rope on the way home. I might linger for a little while just to see if there's a chance I can find another job or ever feel secure, but I'm not counting on it. Binge watching Better Call Saul and trying to forget about my life for now. Things were as good as they could get, and I wanted to ctb. I can't think of a good reason to hang in there if things are going to get harder and I'll be anymore miserable. I'm defective and worthless and that will never change.

And I feel like I've debunked all of those things people say about how suicide is wrong. Not in my case. I'm not hurting anyone. Things aren't going to get better because this isn't a temporary problem that will resolve with time. I'll always be on the outside looking in. I don't think I'm even a real human being. Why this moral injunction to keep living if you can't actually participate in life? People seem either superficial or outright hostile. And over time, I embody those things more and more: hostility cloaked in superficiality with no one left inside.

I can't get close to people. I can't be competent. Nothing will change that. I can't even be presentable! I'll come straight out of the shower and still look dirty. Why bother washing at all?

I know the time is getting close because I can hear through the veil more than ever. It feels and sounds like I'm surrounded by ghosts, like escorts are gathering around me. Who knows what the destination is? But I doubt it will differ whether I die tonight or decades from now.

See you on the other side.

Sorry your hurting.
Better call Saul....funniest shit ever! Brother, if you can't laugh at that shit...grab a handful of rope.

 

[vacillating_ideation]

Thanks.

I think that, possibly, God wants me to do it. That it's been part of the plan. Like, there's a plan for everything, right? And a mysterious reason for whatever happens that "isn't supposed to". I've been looking for a sign that I shouldn't. In the mean time, watched all the TV shows I can handle. Gained about 10 pounds eating and drinking in front of the computer that I've got to starve back off now unless I wanna buy new clothes. It would just be easier and I know it would solve everything. Sick of running around in circles. Why? For what? For whom?

And why are any of us still on here? Are we waiting for permission? Waiting for the right time?

How can every other thing under the sun have a reason for it happening, but never this? Maybe sometimes this is supposed to happen.

 

[Dangy]

I feel the same way. Everyone is superficial or hostile and I'm turning into that as well. I have a loving boyfriend and loving parents. But besides them the rest of the world loves to harass me. I've completely stopped working or talking to people to avoid getting harassed. The isolation has turned me into a hostile person. My boyfriend and parents would be better off with out me. I actually don't think they would care or be surprised.

 

[Barf]

Thanks.

I think that, possibly, God wants me to do it. That it's been part of the plan. Like, there's a plan for everything, right? And a mysterious reason for whatever happens that "isn't supposed to". I've been looking for a sign that I shouldn't. In the mean time, watched all the TV shows I can handle. Gained about 10 pounds eating and drinking in front of the computer that I've got to starve back off now unless I wanna buy new clothes. It would just be easier and I know it would solve everything. Sick of running around in circles. Why? For what? For whom?

And why are any of us still on here? Are we waiting for permission? Waiting for the right time?

How can every other thing under the sun have a reason for it happening, but never this? Maybe sometimes this is supposed to happen.

I feel that pretty deeply. It's the pointlessness that keeps any kind of optimism at bay, and I'm thankful for that. All that optimism has earned me is more time suffering while learning the same lesson over and over again, this place fucking sucks and never gets any better.

I'm glad you're able to find some kind of momentary relief with Better Call Saul tho!

 

[Kringle's Curse]

I'm getting closer to going as well. Hunting season is 3 days away, perfect excuse to be out in the woods with my shotgun. No one will ask questions why I'm leaving the house with my gun.