I think I'm in recovery

[Sinkinshyp]

I have been hesitant to post here. I haven't been sure where I actually fit in. Do I want to die still? yes I do. I welcome the day it comes because I will be reunited with my older son. I do look forward to when that day comes. Do I see a future? yes I do. For the first time since my older son died I do see something in the future. I thought in my basket case state since my older son died I pushed my younger son too far away. In reality he is needing me as much as I need him. I have had to think this over for a bit.. am I in recovery? do I want recovery?.. and yes I'm sure I am.

Some are familiar with my story. I made it through October. I was so so close to just not existing anymore. I still wake up just existing but with feeling some happiness since my younger son & I are working on our relationship, the devastating loss of my older son his older brother is still there. Since my younger son reached out asking me to come spend time with him we have made some great improvements. We talk via phone and discord we have made some really great progress. I wasn't to afford to get over to him yet. I can hopefully afford to go spend time with him in January. We have finally come together to start healing from the grief of the last 3 years, from his brothers death in a car accident. We have a long road ahead of us it will probably be a life long process to live with the loss of my older son and his older brother. It will be a lifetime of feeling happiness at points always with grief as our main emotion.

If my younger son had not reached out when he did I would have joined my older son October 13. I can't believe how close I came. I do still have more bad days than good. But.. for the first time in 3 years I do have a good day here and there with hope for a future with my baby boy. This may not be a popular comment, people say you have 1 shot at life.. no every day we wake up we have a chance to change life.. when it comes down to it we have 1 time to die. Death is final there are no do overs. If I had followed my plan, if my son hadn't reached out to me- I would have left this world and caused him more damage than I could have guessed. The last thing I ever want to do is cause my son any more emotional pain. He has had enough he went to school came home and was told sit down- your brother died on his way to work in a car accident, he also lost me as the mother he knew because I turned into a total basket case... Now it's time to figure out who I am, I will never be who I was when I wished my son a good day at work that day he never returned. I will grow into someone new and hopefully be the mother my younger son deserves.
I have to find insurance that therapists around me take. It still stands I cannot get into any therapy. I think I need therapy to address my sons death. If I plan to be in a good way for my younger son. Therapy is so out of reach right now and has been for the last 3 years.

 

[Huntfish34]

Wow. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I'm glad you are feeling better and I'm sorry for all the pain you've endured in the past. Will post more later.. (@ work now ). Bless you.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Wow. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I'm glad you are feeling better and I'm sorry for all the pain you've endured in the past. Will post more later.. (@ work now ). Bless you. ❤

thank you. Have a good day at work. My younger son has given me hope. He actually admitted how much everything has emotionally hurt him. That was a big step for him. I have to figure out how to be the mom he needs and deserves. The pain will always be my friend and my main emotion, I just need to learn how to bury it enough to grow for my younger son now.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am very happy to read this thread, and I wish you a lot of luck on your journey through recovery.

 

[Ghost2211]

That's amazingly wonderful to hear. It's really heartwarming and Beautiful to hear you're forming more of a connection with your younger son recently. I hope that continues to flourish and you pick up momentum and are able to have a healthy happy relationship. Even if you're going through recovery it's OK to be part of any aspect of the community. There is still love and empathy to be shared. I stay regardless of if I am in a recovery phase or a low phase. You can always reach out if you would like to chat. Give your little monkey lots of hugs, and I'm sure the folks here in recovery would always love to see cute little monkey pictures.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I am very happy to read this thread, and I wish you a lot of luck on your journey through recovery.

Thank you Mahakali. I will keep you updated. For my son I have to do this. I thought I lost him, that I did so much damage in my devastated self that he was gone forever. In actuality he's needing me as much as I need him to start healing and trying to figure out how to live with such a loss.

That's amazingly wonderful to hear. It's really heartwarming and Beautiful to hear you're forming more of a connection with your younger son recently. I hope that continues to flourish and you pick up momentum and are able to have a healthy happy relationship. Even if you're going through recovery it's OK to be part of any aspect of the community. There is still love and empathy to be shared. I stay regardless of if I am in a recovery phase or a low phase. You can always reach out if you would like to chat. Give your little monkey lots of hugs, and I'm sure the folks here in recovery would always love to see cute little monkey pictures.

Thank you Rosey. He's gone out of his way to talk about things. It's been a big improvement for us both towards addressing our loss, depression, grief and finding a way to build our relationship stronger. I'll get some pics of " monkey princess" out in off topic maybe this week. It's hard to get photos of her because she's either on me or jumping to something to jump back to me. She is very active but I am her favorite toy. I truly appreciate the love and empathy I've found here.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I'm happy you found a reason to possibly keep on fighting, even though all the pain that you have suffered, and probably will continue to suffer. To be the best mom you possibly can for your younger son as he deserves. I don't know your older son, but I like to think he would be proud of you too.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm happy you found a reason to possibly keep on fighting, even though all the pain that you have suffered, and probably will continue to suffer. To be the best mom you possibly can for your younger son as he deserves. I don't know your older son, but I like to think he would be proud of you too.

my older son took being man of the house very seriously. He smoked pot- NEVER inside the house when his brother was home. When my younger son went to ex in laws for summer he would smoke it in his room though after 20yrs old. I would call him out at 19 and say I know you smoke pot- he would reply to me shut up my brothers in his room he can hear that. He wouldn't let many friends who smoked it come to the house, even at 25 when he passed he met his friends at car meets vs letting them come to the house. He wanted his pot smoking to be something his brother didn't know about. He was all about being a positive role model for his brother in every aspect. Yes he would be proud I decided to stay and fix my relationship with his little brother.

 

[sufferingalways]

I have been hesitant to post here. I haven't been sure where I actually fit in. Do I want to die still? yes I do. I welcome the day it comes because I will be reunited with my older son. I do look forward to when that day comes. Do I see a future? yes I do. For the first time since my older son died I do see something in the future. I thought in my basket case state since my older son died I pushed my younger son too far away. In reality he is needing me as much as I need him. I have had to think this over for a bit.. am I in recovery? do I want recovery?.. and yes I'm sure I am.

Some are familiar with my story. I made it through October. I was so so close to just not existing anymore. I still wake up just existing but with feeling some happiness since my younger son & I are working on our relationship, the devastating loss of my older son his older brother is still there. Since my younger son reached out asking me to come spend time with him we have made some great improvements. We talk via phone and discord we have made some really great progress. I wasn't to afford to get over to him yet. I can hopefully afford to go spend time with him in January. We have finally come together to start healing from the grief of the last 3 years, from his brothers death in a car accident. We have a long road ahead of us it will probably be a life long process to live with the loss of my older son and his older brother. It will be a lifetime of feeling happiness at points always with grief as our main emotion.

If my younger son had not reached out when he did I would have joined my older son October 13. I can't believe how close I came. I do still have more bad days than good. But.. for the first time in 3 years I do have a good day here and there with hope for a future with my baby boy. This may not be a popular comment, people say you have 1 shot at life.. no every day we wake up we have a chance to change life.. when it comes down to it we have 1 time to die. Death is final there are no do overs. If I had followed my plan, if my son hadn't reached out to me- I would have left this world and caused him more damage than I could have guessed. The last thing I ever want to do is cause my son any more emotional pain. He has had enough he went to school came home and was told sit down- your brother died on his way to work in a car accident, he also lost me as the mother he knew because I turned into a total basket case... Now it's time to figure out who I am, I will never be who I was when I wished my son a good day at work that day he never returned. I will grow into someone new and hopefully be the mother my younger son deserves.
I have to find insurance that therapists around me take. It still stands I cannot get into any therapy. I think I need therapy to address my sons death. If I plan to be in a good way for my younger son. Therapy is so out of reach right now and has been for the last 3 years.

Hi sinkinshyp, I am so glad to hear this. I have been thinking of you.

I'm rooting for you (biggest hugs). Everyone knows that life is never easy so take life each day at a time and slowly make the adjustment you need for both of you. I have no family as I cut ties with the parents in 1999, due to abuse, and brother more recently due to his toxic personality so you give this all you've got, be proud of your crew of two xx

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Thank you so much for sharing

 

[Lilacmoon]

my older son took being man of the house very seriously. He smoked pot- NEVER inside the house when his brother was home. When my younger son went to ex in laws for summer he would smoke it in his room though after 20yrs old. I would call him out at 19 and say I know you smoke pot- he would reply to me shut up my brothers in his room he can hear that. He wouldn't let many friends who smoked it come to the house, even at 25 when he passed he met his friends at car meets vs letting them come to the house. He wanted his pot smoking to be something his brother didn't know about. He was all about being a positive role model for his brother in every aspect. Yes he would be proud I decided to stay and fix my relationship with his little brother.

Thank you for telling me. We both know for sure your older son would be happy that you are going to do your best for your younger son. I can feel just how much he loves the both of you from reading your stories you write for us.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's good to hear this from you. If you take the step to make the commitment to starting a thread in recovery, then I do believe you are in the right place.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Hi sinkinshyp, I am so glad to hear this. I have been thinking of you.

I'm rooting for you (biggest hugs). Everyone knows that life is never easy so take life each day at a time and slowly make the adjustment you need for both of you. I have no family as I cut ties with the parents in 1999, due to abuse, and brother more recently due to his toxic personality so you give this all you've got, be proud of your crew of two xx

biggest hugs back at you. The crew of two have a lot of work to do but we are so much ahead of where we stood just 2 months ago. Right now yes it's 1 day at a time. I can't help but think of long term- than I end up all anxietied out or depressed more. Like my son has his job over on the other coast-so I cannot ask him to move back home. I would have to move in with ex in laws and give up my possessions and my older sons possessions. It's just something I have to train myself to think of today not next month or 3 months later..

Thank you for telling me. We both know for sure your older son would be happy that you are going to do your best for your younger son. I can feel just how much he loves the both of you from reading your stories you write for us.

Yes he became my caregiver at 21 when I had my respiratory failure. All he asked for the next 4 years until he died was please stop smoking mom. I want you around to see grand kids..I can't loose you to smoking mom. I was very lucky to have an amazing son who loved me so much. He wanted to make me proud and he did very proud and honored to be called mom by such an amazing man.

It's good to hear this from you. If you take the step to make the commitment to starting a thread in recovery, then I do believe you are in the right place.

thank you. I have read the forums the last couple of weeks not sure where exactly I was. The developments with my younger son, just the fact he's here and so open in discussions with me now I have my son back well over phone and discord. I now have to do the right thing for him. My kids were/are and always will be my entire world.

Thank you so much for sharing

back to you. I hope things get better for you.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

biggest hugs back at you. The crew of two have a lot of work to do but we are so much ahead of where we stood just 2 months ago. Right now yes it's 1 day at a time. I can't help but think of long term- than I end up all anxietied out or depressed more. Like my son has his job over on the other coast-so I cannot ask him to move back home. I would have to move in with ex in laws and give up my possessions and my older sons possessions. It's just something I have to train myself to think of today not next month or 3 months later..



Yes he became my caregiver at 21 when I had my respiratory failure. All he asked for the next 4 years until he died was please stop smoking mom. I want you around to see grand kids..I can't loose you to smoking mom. I was very lucky to have an amazing son who loved me so much. He wanted to make me proud and he did very proud and honored to be called mom by such an amazing man.



thank you. I have read the forums the last couple of weeks not sure where exactly I was. The developments with my younger son, just the fact he's here and so open in discussions with me now I have my son back well over phone and discord. I now have to do the right thing for him. My kids were/are and always will be my entire world.


back to you. I hope things get better for you.

You seem like such a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I truly hope things continue to go well for you.

 

[Huntfish34]

thank you. Have a good day at work. My younger son has given me hope. He actually admitted how much everything has emotionally hurt him. That was a big step for him. I have to figure out how to be the mom he needs and deserves. The pain will always be my friend and my main emotion, I just need to learn how to bury it enough to grow for my younger son now.

Thank you much,. My day is going ok so far.. That's really awesome that he has given you hope! I'd like to say I can relate or I know how you feel but I can't seeing as how I have no kids or even married yet. What I can Somewhat relate to is that I do have an older brother... If he were to die I can tell you for a fact I'd be an Absolute Wreck. Dunno if I'd continue living or not honestly. I'm just really happy you both have each other's love and support during these turbulent times. Probably means the World to you're younger son I'd imagine.

Keep being there for him and just be the Best mother you possibly can. It's easier said than done but try to take everything 1 day at a time and be Present in the moment. Enjoy the smaller things whatever it may be.

Blessings and prayers to you guys. . Always.

 

[Sherri]

I have been hesitant to post here. I haven't been sure where I actually fit in. Do I want to die still? yes I do. I welcome the day it comes because I will be reunited with my older son. I do look forward to when that day comes. Do I see a future? yes I do. For the first time since my older son died I do see something in the future. I thought in my basket case state since my older son died I pushed my younger son too far away. In reality he is needing me as much as I need him. I have had to think this over for a bit.. am I in recovery? do I want recovery?.. and yes I'm sure I am.

Some are familiar with my story. I made it through October. I was so so close to just not existing anymore. I still wake up just existing but with feeling some happiness since my younger son & I are working on our relationship, the devastating loss of my older son his older brother is still there. Since my younger son reached out asking me to come spend time with him we have made some great improvements. We talk via phone and discord we have made some really great progress. I wasn't to afford to get over to him yet. I can hopefully afford to go spend time with him in January. We have finally come together to start healing from the grief of the last 3 years, from his brothers death in a car accident. We have a long road ahead of us it will probably be a life long process to live with the loss of my older son and his older brother. It will be a lifetime of feeling happiness at points always with grief as our main emotion.

If my younger son had not reached out when he did I would have joined my older son October 13. I can't believe how close I came. I do still have more bad days than good. But.. for the first time in 3 years I do have a good day here and there with hope for a future with my baby boy. This may not be a popular comment, people say you have 1 shot at life.. no every day we wake up we have a chance to change life.. when it comes down to it we have 1 time to die. Death is final there are no do overs. If I had followed my plan, if my son hadn't reached out to me- I would have left this world and caused him more damage than I could have guessed. The last thing I ever want to do is cause my son any more emotional pain. He has had enough he went to school came home and was told sit down- your brother died on his way to work in a car accident, he also lost me as the mother he knew because I turned into a total basket case... Now it's time to figure out who I am, I will never be who I was when I wished my son a good day at work that day he never returned. I will grow into someone new and hopefully be the mother my younger son deserves.
I have to find insurance that therapists around me take. It still stands I cannot get into any therapy. I think I need therapy to address my sons death. If I plan to be in a good way for my younger son. Therapy is so out of reach right now and has been for the last 3 years.

You're one of the most genuine loving caring and strong ops I know. Keep it up hun.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Thank you much,. My day is going ok so far.. That's really awesome that he has given you hope! I'd like to say I can relate or I know how you feel but I can't seeing as how I have no kids or even married yet. What I can Somewhat relate to is that I do have an older brother... If he were to die I can tell you for a fact I'd be an Absolute Wreck. Dunno if I'd continue living or not honestly. I'm just really happy you both have each other's love and support during these turbulent times. Probably means the World to you're younger son I'd imagine.

Keep being there for him and just be the Best mother you possibly can. It's easier said than done but try to take everything 1 day at a time and be Present in the moment. Enjoy the smaller things whatever it may be.

Blessings and prayers to you guys. ❤. Always.

Thank you. My younger son was 16- just 2 months short of turning 17 when his brother died. He didn't deal with his emotions he went right into take care of mom mode. So much so he hid the bullets to my older sons gun in fear I would do something to myself. My older son as man of the house took care of me especially since he was appointed my docs when I was on life support in 2013. So my younger son stepped right into his older brothers shoes. Younger son moved out a yr and a half after his brother died at 18 to my ex in laws. I was such a devastated mess he could not handle it anymore. Even though I was beyond destroyed I kept asking him are you ok? do oyu want ot talk? will you go to counseling with me? but he was so worried about not adding to my sadness. Now he is able to talk and tell me he is now able to address his feelings. I'm so sorry for what I put him through when Joey died. I beyond broke into millions of pieces. Without Joey my pieces will never be together again, I'm missing my sidekick, half of my heart and soul that was there for 25 years. I just can only hope I can put myself together enough to be the mom my younger son needs and deserves.

Blessings and prayers to you as well

You're one of the most genuine loving caring and strong ops I know. Keep it up hun.

you've made me blush, thank you... I am speechless and don't know what to say for once..

 

[muffin222]

I'm so happy to hear that you've decided to recover You've been through so much, and you are so incredibly strong to find the courage to face life again. I'm proud of you

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm so happy to hear that you've decided to recover You've been through so much, and you are so incredibly strong to find the courage to face life again. I'm proud of you

thank you so much. I really hope my younger son & I will be closer than we were before Joeys accident. I've put all my eggs into 1 basket but it's all I have. I just hope they don't make me more scrambled up than I already am.