I think im hanging myself Sat night. Over 2 years of beddridden crippling depression.

[dust-in-the-wind]

56(f) life long major depressive episodes with years of remission in between where thankfully I was able to enjoy some of my life. This 2 year episode is the longest and worst. I've tried over 20+med, IV Ketamine and ECT, 2 hospitalizations and therapy. I spend 95% of time in my bed, don't get dressed, can't even shower and barely eat and my body is wasting away. I have zero enjoyment of anything. I am a shell of who I once was. I have a good life but mentally illness doesn't care. My BF gave me his blessing to ctb(just not in the house). My sister and doctor just say don't give up and my mom is clueless and doesn't believe in mental illness. Anyway I own a business rental property and plan on hanging myself behind the garage Sat night. It has a deck i can hang from that faces the woods. I will leave a note for my BF so my body gets found Sunday and doesn't interfere with business on Monday. I don't want to die but I cannot live like this any longer. It has been such torture and I hit my suicidal breaking point today. Something must be seriously wrong with my brain because I've never heard of anyone being this depressed. Thanks for reading.

 

[offbalance]

I wish you the best whatever you decide, no shame in backing out but it sounds like you've suffered a lot

 

[Firefly.Forest]

So sorry for all the pain and misery that you have been though and are still battling. I wish I could give you a hug - I well understand your feeling of hitting the threshold.

I wish you peace in your journey.

 

[plzoffme]

I have bipolar 2 and its been so hard to just get up and move. People say "well, just force yourself" but you can't. I also tried ketamine IV which I did enjoy the experience but 3-4 months later I was back to being deeply depressed. I wish you peace. I plan to CTB soon via SN.

 

[Off_Switch]

Have you tried TMS?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I have bipolar 2 and its been so hard to just get up and move. People say "well, just force yourself" but you can't. I also tried ketamine IV which I did enjoy the experience but 3-4 months later I was back to being deeply depressed. I wish you peace. I plan to CTB soon via !

Have you tried TMS?

I didn't because I cpuld never get out of bed every day to commit to it. I've read a lot of reviews and wasn't impressed. Plus if ECt didn't work TMs is very doubtful

 

[Whydid]

Your BF gave you his blessing? While understandable as a suicidal person , and I suppose you could provide more context but, I don't know something about a male partner "signing off" on it weirded me out while reading this. I wouldn't trust it and I absolutely would not allow him to inherit your business or properties unless you 1000000000%
Trust him. Just something to consider before you decide to make the final leap.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Your BF gave you his blessing? While understandable as a suicidal person , and I suppose you could provide more context but, I don't know something about a male partner "signing off" on it weirded me out while reading this. I wouldn't trust it and I absolutely would not allow him to inherit your business or properties unless you 1000000000%
Trust him. Just something to consider before you decide to make the final leap.

He has just seen me suffering for so long so he understands. I have beneficiaries assigned to all my account so he gets some but not all. And I have a business parter so my death defaults my half to them.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I'm sorry you've come this far. I've always appreciated your posts, and I think your phrase "I don't want to die" means you're moving toward CTB as a solution to unbearable pain, but this is different from a conscious choice to do CTB after a thoughtful, long-term process. I'm not a pro-life person, but I think you should take some more time to understand what makes you say "I don't want to die" before proceeding.

 

[Off_Switch]

I typically don't like to try to talk anyone here into continuing to live, especially on this side of SS. But I'm only going to keep suggesting to you, because it seems like you are open to trying anything possible before succumbing. And it doesn't seem like you have a lot of other problems in your life outside of clinical depression. With that being said, have you tried a stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse? It might give you just enough of a jump start every morning to at least get you out of bed. Then maybe the win of getting out of bed could compound to other positive things?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I typically don't like to try to talk anyone here into continuing to live, especially on this side of SS. But I'm only going to keep suggesting to you, because it seems like you are open to trying anything possible before succumbing. And it doesn't seem like you have a lot of other problems in your life outside of clinical depression. With that being said, have you tried a stimulant like Adderall or Vyvanse? It might give you just enough of a jump start every morning to at least get you out of bed. Then maybe the win of getting out of bed could compound to other positive things?

Stimulants helped when my depression wasn't this severe. Unfortunately they don't help when your in this deep.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

You're one of my favorite people on here. This sucks. I'll be devastated if you do it, but understand the struggle.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm sorry you've come this far. I've always appreciated your posts, and I think your phrase "I don't want to die" means you're moving toward CTB as a solution to unbearable pain, but this is different from a conscious choice to do CTB after a thoughtful, long-term process. I'm not a pro-life person, but I think you should take some more time to understand what makes you say "I don't want to die" before proceeding.

If I wasn't so severely depressed and suicidal ever day I wouldn't want to die because I remember when life was enjoyable. But I have given up hope that this depression can ever be treated and it's causing so many issues that make life not worth living. I consider it a terminal disease at this point. Terminal people don't want to die but they have to.

 

[Off_Switch]

Stimulants helped when my depression wasn't this severe. Unfortunately they don't help when your in this deep.

I see. Well, from seeing your posts all these months, I can attest to the fact that you put up a good fight. I hope everything goes well. I am heavily leaning towards leaving on Saturday as well. Daylight saving times will soon make the days shorter and many times more depressing. And I hate this planet and the human race with every bone in my body.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

You're one of my favorite people on here. This sucks. I'll be devastated if you do it, but understand the struggle.

Awww TY for your kind words.

 

[Realgar]

I knew a woman who also experienced severe depression. MAO inhibitors helped for for a while, then they stopped working. It was still a couple of good years that she felt somewhat better. Have you tried MAO inhibitors? Personally I have no problem with CTB with hanging, but my concerns are: How painful is it? and will it be 100% successful? That are the 2 questions that haunt me. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I have bipolar 2 and its been so hard to just get up and move. People say "well, just force yourself" but you can't. I also tried ketamine IV which I did enjoy the experience but 3-4 months later I was back to being deeply depressed. I wish you peace. I plan to CTB soon via SN.

People have no idea that you can't just force yourself and when I have it is pure torture. Sorry for your suffering as well:(

 

[Realgar]

Sorry, Hugs.

 

[rs929]

Since it's a recurrent depression, not chronic (you had good years in between), there is a chance that this episode will eventually clear up
Im currently in between episodes and I'm terrified of the next one.
Hope you peace whatever you choose

 

[Nightfoot]

I'm sorry it has come to this for you. While I don't really know you, I have read many of your posts which have provided a sense of the kind of person you are. You've been very supportive of others and seem to be kind and caring. I will miss your presence here. Reading that you will be CBT hurts my heart for you. I wish you peace and would remind you that it's okay to change your mind although I know how it feels to be beaten down by depression. I just wish there was something else you could try.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I hope somehow something changes before Saturday. So sorry it's this bad.

 

[divinemistress36]

Im so sorry. I wish you could at least try shrooms before you go

 

[dontwakemeup]

56(f) life long major depressive episodes with years of remission in between where thankfully I was able to enjoy some of my life. This 2 year episode is the longest and worst. I've tried over 20+med, IV Ketamine and ECT, 2 hospitalizations and therapy. I spend 95% of time in my bed, don't get dressed, can't even shower and barely eat and my body is wasting away. I have zero enjoyment of anything. I am a shell of who I once was. I have a good life but mentally illness doesn't care. My BF gave me his blessing to ctb(just not in the house). My sister and doctor just say don't give up and my mom is clueless and doesn't believe in mental illness. Anyway I own a business rental property and plan on hanging myself behind the garage Sat night. It has a deck i can hang from that faces the woods. I will leave a note for my BF so my body gets found Sunday and doesn't interfere with business on Monday. I don't want to die but I cannot live like this any longer. It has been such torture and I hit my suicidal breaking point today. Something must be seriously wrong with my brain because I've never heard of anyone being this depressed. Thanks for reading.

The èmergency psych doctor told me, "I've never met anyone so sad in my life!" I think I win this round. I'm so sorry you have suffered for so long. If you have a medical condition, can you opt to go on hospice? They will get you comfortable and you can slip away. Whatever you decide, I hope you get the desired effect.

This is your post so I won't take over. I cry everyday, I barely eat, nothing makes me happy, I have no family and in chronic pain. You're not alone, I promise

 

[SoulCage]

Thank you for sharing this and all your other experiences with us. Your words always screamed "please, when is this shit finally over."
I am a bit jealous that you found the courage to end this suffering. One day, I will hopefully be able to do the same.
Thank you and goodbye.

 

[darksouls]

good luck, I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from suffering

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm sorry that you have been suffering for so long. I have a few years on you and can relate to you feelings. I will miss you here but understand what you need to do

 

[Pluto]

 

[J&L383]

Terminal people don't want to die but they have to.

I do understand. You deserve peace.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I'm truly sorry life has done this to you. Seeing your profile pop up in threads has been kind of motivating, I admire how you must be fighting all this time. It's just wrong that you have to go through this, and I can only send you love from far away. Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey with us, may peace find you whatever happens.

 

[Alexandra_]

I wish you all the best
For many of us, life is a real nightmare