Venting I think I'm gonna end it soon

[notsuretbh]

When I first met my girlfriend she was very unhappy, she was in a terrible place and I noticed and felt something special in her so I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to make her feel special like she could do anything around me and she didn't have to feel sad, I wanted all her problems to melt away when she was around me and for the longest time I thought I succeeded. But I've realized that I never did that. Yesterday was out 10 month anniversary of being together and I know that's not a long time but this is the longest relationship I've been in and it means everything to me, it's been years since I first started being depressed and she brought me out of that, everyone said I shouldn't date her because I wasn't mentally stable but I ignore it because I thought we brought each other out of that hole we were in. I never thought I'd be the one to hurt her, recently she's told me a lot that's just been terrible, she told me that I'm the opposite of what she needs, that I make her sad and feel terrible and that she's been unhappy for months, and that I've broken her heart. I cried in front of her and I wish I didn't, I didn't want to but hearing all this stuff hearing these things I never meant to do that I never wanted to do things that make me want to die were being told to me when I didn't even know I was doing them. She held me in her arms as I cried the hardest I have in forever, when she was the one who i upset, even thought she was mad and angry at me she still did that, I should of never cried I should of never been so pathetic but I had to, she is the most beautiful girl the most amazing woman I've ever met yet I have hurt her to the point that she doesn't trust me she doesn't believe I can change and she doesn't know what to do. My memory is bad my self esteem is horrible, my compression of situations Is even worse, I get so confused I forget little things and I've ruined the one thing keeping me alive. I believe soon she will break up with me, or she'll break down to the point where I cant stand it, I've never cheated I've never looked at girls I only want her but, maybe I just don't deserve a relationship or maybe I don't understand how to be in one, and I messed it up, I put her back in that spot I tried so hard to get her out of, and now changing myself won't even help, she wants me to and I've tried, I don't know what to change, she doesn't want me to be nice to others nor talk to anyone or be happy with anyone, idk I'm just childish and stupid and weak and pathetic and worthless thsys all I am, I don't want her to leave me but I know it'll happen I hate seeing her like this and I hate that I'm the one doing it. she tells her friends she tells everyone and I know they hate me, all I've ever wanted was to be nice to everyone and lvoe someone, and I'm fucking up both those things, if she leaves I deserve it and what I do after I deserve even more.

 

[Deleted member 60002]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. You are absolutely deserving of a relationship and I'm sure you've been the best partner you could be. However, depression can be overpowering even despite the support of those we love. It can also affect those we love in negative ways, as in your case. I'm sure if you could choose to be rid of depression you would do so, but it's not that simple, unfortunately. If I might give one word of advice it's don't make any rash decisions. Think long and hard about want you want and how it might affect those around you. In any case, I wish the best for you in whatever path you choose to take.

 

[notsuretbh]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. You are absolutely deserving of a relationship and I'm sure you've been the best partner you could be. However, depression can be overpowering even despite the support of those we love. It can also affect those we love in negative ways, as in your case. I'm sure if you could choose to be rid of depression you would do so, but it's not that simple, unfortunately. If I might give one word of advice it's don't make any rash decisions. Think long and hard about want you want and how it might affect those around you. In any case, I wish the best for you in whatever path you choose to take.

thank you

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really awful and painful situation to be trapped in, the reality is that life is just so cruel, it's horrible how existing here can just get much worse. But anyway I wish you the best.