Help i think im gonna ctb soon, just some small questions

[black.dahlia]

after years of sitting around wanting to die ive finally decided to take my chances and do it. i still dont have a specific day, but something in me feels ready to go(as corny as it sounds). im just sick of being alive, honestly.

the real question i have is about my stuff im leaving behind, specifically my journal. at first, i used it to document and layout my ctb methods and stuff, just to make it easier to process for me. i would throw it away before i killed myself because it wouldve already served its purpose then. but then it became an actual journal i was venting in. and im very angry and mean in these entries. i used it to cope and to vent things i couldnt say to anyone.
if i dont get rid if this journal and then ctb, would people go through it? its not like id be alive to see the consequences of anything i wrote, but should i get rid of it to save face? or just let people have it to understand what led me to actually want to go? they might hate me, so maybe itd be easier for them to get over me if they read all the things i said about them. but i also feel like its unfair on my part to hide the aspect of myself that made me want to go anyways. any advice?

 

[dolemitedrums]

Somebody will probably read it. Maybe they will be discreet, maybe not. Don't personally see much point in leaving behind stuff that will hurt people, but different people have different motivationw.

 

[Yarani]

Personally I would rather ask the question if they could be hurt by the stuff in there, I would be VERY much concerned about that. Them hating me wouldn't destroy them as much as them being hurt by something I said, especially something that conveys the meaning of "it's your fault that I felt this bad". Every person and situation is different though, I can only say this for myself. Although you could say that there are people whose actions have contributed quite a lot to my situation, they didn't do it willingly or consciously, and they also did a lot of good things. For me, I don't think it's anyone's fault at all, just shit kept happening and I wasn't able to mitigate the damages properly. I think there could be people who would deserve such accusations, but usually those are the ones who wouldn't truly be affected by them. There was a particular person I used to even hate sometimes, but actually what they did was out of terribly suffering themselves and not being able to deal with it. It is what it is, and I would heavily question wanting to leave behind anything that could hurt other people. Except for stuff like exposing serious crimes they did. Of course I don't know what your journal says, but I think if I had one, I'd get rid of it. I put much thought into my goodbye letters to avoid any blaming and guilt. It's going to be there nonetheless, but no need to put oil to the flames and destroy their lives more. That will happen anyway. Damage control measures.

And oh yes, I'm sure they absolutely will read it.
I understand the desire to express yourself to them, but is it for us or them? They are the ones who will have to deal with it long-term. Not us.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Ik we think of what others might think about us after we're dead but actually it doesn't affect us - we're not in this world anymore. You can destroy it if you think it's better, but how much means the journal to you? Would you need it in the case of a failed attempt?

 

[black.dahlia]

Personally I would rather ask the question if they could be hurt by the stuff in there, I would be VERY much concerned about that. Them hating me wouldn't destroy them as much as them being hurt by something I said, especially something that conveys the meaning of "it's your fault that I felt this bad". Every person and situation is different though, I can only say this for myself. Although you could say that there are people whose actions have contributed quite a lot to my situation, they didn't do it willingly or consciously, and they also did a lot of good things. For me, I don't think it's anyone's fault at all, just shit kept happening and I wasn't able to mitigate the damages properly. I think there could be people who would deserve such accusations, but usually those are the ones who wouldn't truly be affected by them. There was a particular person I used to even hate sometimes, but actually what they did was out of terribly suffering themselves and not being able to deal with it. It is what it is, and I would heavily question wanting to leave behind anything that could hurt other people. Except for stuff like exposing serious crimes they did. Of course I don't know what your journal says, but I think if I had one, I'd get rid of it. I put much thought into my goodbye letters to avoid any blaming and guilt. It's going to be there nonetheless, but no need to put oil to the flames and destroy their lives more. That will happen anyway. Damage control measures.

And oh yes, I'm sure they absolutely will read it.
I understand the desire to express yourself to them, but is it for us or them? They are the ones who will have to deal with it long-term. Not us.

this is actually a very good point. i was really only asking because i felt as if a note wouldnt really explain anything properly. but a journal i vented in for months would probably carry the message better. if this thing was full of sad self loathing pages i wouldnt care as much because the target of the hatred would be on myself, but theres multiple pages in here about how i hate certain people so much they make me hurt myself with rage. i want them to understand how much they fucked up but part of me is also weirdly empathetic about it? sorry if this is rambling, ive been having really difficult to understand emotions recently

 

[Yarani]

this is actually a very good point. i was really only asking because i felt as if a note wouldnt really explain anything properly. but a journal i vented in for months would probably carry the message better. if this thing was full of sad self loathing pages i wouldnt care as much because the target of the hatred would be on myself, but theres multiple pages in here about how i hate certain people so much they make me hurt myself with rage. i want them to understand how much they fucked up but part of me is also weirdly empathetic about it? sorry if this is rambling, ive been having really difficult to understand emotions recently

Not rambling at all. Go through it carefully, because it will have a huge impact either way.

Also, I kinda anticipated you might say stuff about the self hatred. I know that feeling aswell. But now consider this: imagine a friend or anyone you like in your life kills themselves. Then you find such a journal. And you have the whole rest of your life to torment yourself with its content. Now ... at some point you'll probably ask yourself, what did I do wrong or what should I have done differently to make that person see how important they were to me/that they were a good person/that basically this self hatred was not justified from my perspective?
I would leave such strong negative emotions out of the picture. Oh yes, we can feel such self hatred, and we will feel it's justified. But other people in our lives won't necessarily see it that way, and it will make them feel incredibly sad and/or bad.
And to be frank, from what I see, it's very rarely truly justified from my pov. Very often the root lies in the influence of other people's actions and/or our perception of them through the lens of mental illness or past trauma, or it has even become some sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Take bullying, for example. Just one of the possibilities. But can you see how someone who has been bullied for years and can't defend themselves against it effectively will have their mind warped by that shit and start to think that they're the problem and therefore deserve the hate? Not implying it happened to you, but just to show how circumstances can destroy a sense of being worthy/good.
Similar to a previous statement of mine concerning accusations, while there are people who should hate themselves, those are often the ones that will not be able to so. And even then we should delve into asking why this is the case. Not for excusing actions ... but for understanding and intervening.
Hatred, in any direction, has NEVER been proved to be a constructive thing in my experience, and we should try to be a LOT more kind to each other. Yeah I know that won't happen, because we are human and it's in our nature. Anyway.
To sum it up, self hate can feel pretty devastating for those around you, especially when they feel helpless about it, and they will definitely be helpless because their chance to do anything about it has passed, forever.

What I found very helpful was this:

HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE

Remember it's mainly for them, not for you. If you need to vent, that's perfectly valid, but when you vent, you are often in the throes of emotions (well, that's why you vent, isn't it...), but words that are led by negative emotions usually are not thought out well, not in a rational way, so the consequences might be something you didn't truly seek to attain, on the contrary even. Strong emotions and rational thinking don't particularly work well together.

Take your time and think it through, it will sit with those people for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying make it devoid of emotion, but try to be calm and collected and think about the possible reactions. You'll never be able to avoid all possible hurt, forget that, but you can try to anticipate and adapt, because you know those people.
Think about what you would like to leave behind for them.

I hope you can find a solution that suits you

 

[black.dahlia]

Not rambling at all. Go through it carefully, because it will have a huge impact either way.

Also, I kinda anticipated you might say stuff about the self hatred. I know that feeling aswell. But now consider this: imagine a friend or anyone you like in your life kills themselves. Then you find such a journal. And you have the whole rest of your life to torment yourself with its content. Now ... at some point you'll probably ask yourself, what did I do wrong or what should I have done differently to make that person see how important they were to me/that they were a good person/that basically this self hatred was not justified from my perspective?
I would leave such strong negative emotions out of the picture. Oh yes, we can feel such self hatred, and we will feel it's justified. But other people in our lives won't necessarily see it that way, and it will make them feel incredibly sad and/or bad.
And to be frank, from what I see, it's very rarely truly justified from my pov. Very often the root lies in the influence of other people's actions and/or our perception of them through the lens of mental illness or past trauma, or it has even become some sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Take bullying, for example. Just one of the possibilities. But can you see how someone who has been bullied for years and can't defend themselves against it effectively will have their mind warped by that shit and start to think that they're the problem and therefore deserve the hate? Not implying it happened to you, but just to show how circumstances can destroy a sense of being worthy/good.
Similar to a previous statement of mine concerning accusations, while there are people who should hate themselves, those are often the ones that will not be able to so. And even then we should delve into asking why this is the case. Not for excusing actions ... but for understanding and intervening.
Hatred, in any direction, has NEVER been proved to be a constructive thing in my experience, and we should try to be a LOT more kind to each other. Yeah I know that won't happen, because we are human and it's in our nature. Anyway.
To sum it up, self hate can feel pretty devastating for those around you, especially when they feel helpless about it, and they will definitely be helpless because their chance to do anything about it has passed, forever.

What I found very helpful was this:

HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE

Remember it's mainly for them, not for you. If you need to vent, that's perfectly valid, but when you vent, you are often in the throes of emotions (well, that's why you vent, isn't it...), but words that are led by negative emotions usually are not thought out well, not in a rational way, so the consequences might be something you didn't truly seek to attain, on the contrary even. Strong emotions and rational thinking don't particularly work well together.

Take your time and think it through, it will sit with those people for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying make it devoid of emotion, but try to be calm and collected and think about the possible reactions. You'll never be able to avoid all possible hurt, forget that, but you can try to anticipate and adapt, because you know those people.
Think about what you would like to leave behind for them.

I hope you can find a solution that suits you

this actually helped me so much with my situation, thank you. even though i hate everyone in my life, i guess me being nice enough to not fully put the blame on them shows im better in the end

 

[Yarani]

this actually helped me so much with my situation, thank you. even though i hate everyone in my life, i guess me being nice enough to not fully put the blame on them shows im better in the end

It makes me very happy that you found it helpful, thank you for telling me. I hope you can find some peace with yourself and them.

 

[Wolf Girl]

When you are considering what to leave behind after your ctb, please always remember that suicide is contagious. Good luck.

 

[thealteredmind]

after years of sitting around wanting to die ive finally decided to take my chances and do it. i still dont have a specific day, but something in me feels ready to go(as corny as it sounds). im just sick of being alive, honestly.

the real question i have is about my stuff im leaving behind, specifically my journal. at first, i used it to document and layout my ctb methods and stuff, just to make it easier to process for me. i would throw it away before i killed myself because it wouldve already served its purpose then. but then it became an actual journal i was venting in. and im very angry and mean in these entries. i used it to cope and to vent things i couldnt say to anyone.
if i dont get rid if this journal and then ctb, would people go through it? its not like id be alive to see the consequences of anything i wrote, but should i get rid of it to save face? or just let people have it to understand what led me to actually want to go? they might hate me, so maybe itd be easier for them to get over me if they read all the things i said about them. but i also feel like its unfair on my part to hide the aspect of myself that made me want to go anyways. any advice?

eeeh well... I will write a LONG letter (like a book) explaining... why...why... and why. over and over again.

you do you

 

[black.dahlia]

When you are considering what to leave behind after your ctb, please always remember that suicide is contagious. Good luck.

part of me doesnt care about that, part of me wants certain people in my life to do it as well, but theres still a part of me that somehow cares about them enough for me to delay my ctb to figure it out. it becomes very complicated when you find yourself hating everyone around you. but ill figure it out, ill make sure everything is how i want it to be when i go

 

[feelinggloomy]

I have a journal that I plan to mail to a trusted lifelong friend who will probably read it. I want her to know exactly why I CTB. She already knows it's because I lost my son but I want to document details of my marriage over the years which has not been exactly good as my partner can be unkind. For some reason I want someone to know.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Maybe tear out the hurtful parts and stash them in a hidiing place, or take pics or upload them to a hidden cloud so if you don't ctb you'll have them; or if you do, all that will left for your loved ones was the pain and suffering you felt in the parts of your journal that you leave behind.

As one user was saying, it's kind of like, if someone you loved ctb'd what would help you when you were left behind. Would it help you knowing that you contributed? Would you want them to feel blame and shame in their actions? or preserve their innocence but have them know how unhappy you were that was out of their control? You have time to think on it. Journal about it lol. Sleep on it. You don't have to decide now. Good luck

 

[hajnalka]

you know best what matters to you. i personally will leave behind my journal i think so that people can better understand me and this way i can feel more connected to the people i leave behind.