Venting i think i'm going to give life a second (tbh, like the hundredth) chance. if this doesn't work out i am done.

[explsionsinthesky]

in recent years i realized the way my parents treated me is not normal. i'm too tired to go into detail, to rant about it because it never fixes anything.
but long story short they invalidate me (my ambitions and emotions, including my suicide attempts), they control and judge everything about my life (relationships, career, education, social life), and they humiliate me (taking pictures and videos, calling me names like crazy and insane, while i'm having a breakdown literally begging for them to listen to me and hear me). other things - they violate my privacy and independence by opening my mail, not allowing me to have a separate bank account. they support me financially and physically, very very well. emotionally? never.

i'm 18 and i have constantly been thinking of suicide for the last few years. i met my boyfriend and he changed everything. i saw hope and i felt loved and validated. but my parents got in the way (they are disapproving and have been trying everything to prevent us from being together) and it has put my relationship through really rough patches. my boyfriend is being patient enough with me and wants me to stand up to my parents. i was always afraid to, and my sister ended up giving in and doing everything that they say, never having freedom - but she wants different for me, she wants me to fight. and my boyfriend does as well. my parents have been one of the biggest reasons i tried to and want to kill myself. they drained me to the point i just didn't want to fight anymore. they blurred out the future i wanted to have, pursuing a career of my choice being with the person that i love, and have been trying to make me pursue a career that makes a lot of money with a person who makes a lot of money. they are refusing to let me visit my boyfriend (we're long distance) and see his family, constantly telling me to not even think about having a future like that with him. that i will not be able to live where i want (with him in his country), that i have to stay where they are and be with someone they approve of - someone rich.
i didn't see a way out and i was tired of fighting so i just decided it'd be easier to just fucking give up.

but my boyfriend kept giving me hope. that there is a way out. that i am 18, i literally have freedom legally. i can apply to universities near him, i can stay with him, i can be with him and his family and they will support me. i can take out loans for university (my parents are currently planning on paying for education but if i do anything out of their will i will get disowned), and move in with him once we have enough money to get a place of our own.

i am desperately wanting to do that. i have been trapped. but it hurts so much because i still love my parents. so much, but they have hurt me so much and the worst part is they don't see it, no matter how many times i have tried to show and tell them.

i want to give it another chance, try to escape this with my boyfriend's help. but i am terrified. what if it doesn't work out? what has ever worked out in my life? i have no money. my parents will find out if i get a new bank account under my own name. the amount of control and power they have is overwhelming and unbearable.

i am scared. but i want to give it a chance.

today i heard my boyfriend talk to his friends about me, that he wants to marry me one day. that just pushed me over out of the suicidal zone to maybe there is a possibility zone.

i don't know how it's going to work and i am still tired but i hope my boyfriend continues to encourage me. and i know he will. he is one of a kind.

i can't stop crying. im scared, im scared of thinking that i have a future. it feels different, it feels exhausting knowing i have to fight longer. it'll be difficult, going through a falling out with my parents. i am scared. it felt more relaxing to think about death, think about the easy way out. but i have to fight, for my boyfriend, for that small chance that things will be ok. but i am scared.

im so fucking scared


at least though, if i lose everything. still got sn and/or a rope to resort to

 

[Faraway1990]

What country do you live in? (For laws etc) How about opening a bank account on an online only bank? I'd apply for universities etc in the country of your boyfriend if I was in your shoes it sounds like you are miserable and if you are considering CTB now in your present circumstances what is there to lose? Maybe play it a little safer? Apply for work or whatever in the same country just really far from your family and save up? It's clear something needs to change what that is and if you do it is up to you. You're still young do what you feel is right and have no regrets I wish someone gave me this advice when I was 18.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

What country do you live in? (For laws etc) How about opening a bank account on an online only bank? I'd apply for universities etc in the country of your boyfriend if I was in your shoes it sounds like you are miserable and if you are considering CTB now in your present circumstances what is there to lose? Maybe play it a little safer? Apply for work or whatever in the same country just really far from your family and save up? It's clear something needs to change what that is and if you do it is up to you. You're still young do what you feel is right and have no regrets I wish someone gave me this advice when I was 18.

i'm in the united states. i am planning on doing that - still they would mail my card though so i prolly have to get a po box which i don tknow how i'd get without using my card (my parents track my card transactions).. i won't have money in that account for a few months and i dont know how to transfer the money i have right now over there without them finding out. and im trying to apply to some universities near my boyfriend but im really scared about how to pay for it. i don't know if i qualify for any aid because i didn't for the university i am going to next month. and i dont know if i am allowed to transfer. its just all really scary. i'd rather go to my boyfriend than go even further away to the other side of the country (it'd be further away from where he is). i also dont even know if i'll get into the universities there, and even if i do it's too late for right now and i have to go next year. and i don't know how long i can wait for change

 

[Faraway1990]

Tricky but a lot of universitys have foreign student programs with assisted funding ask your boyfriend to help find one and if him and the family are willing to help I'm sure you will find your feet with persistence but prepare the best you can beforehand. I'm hoping it works out for you.

 

[Soul]

I was scared when I left the country for the first time. But I broke it down into tiny steps (I've packed a suitcase before; I've gone to the airport before; I've gotten on a plane before) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was there.

Is the country your boyfriend is in a stable place where women have rights and so on? If it's within easy reach of where you are now I reckon it is. So there's nothing to fear except your parents' objections, right?

What you've written about your parents sounds really unhinged, but presumably they'd prefer you went abroad rather than killing yourself. I don't think that's something you want to say to them, but it may be something you can remind yourself of when you feel too scared to oppose your parents.

It sounds like you need to simmer down a bit to get organized - applying for schools, financial aid, etc. Do you have a doctor you can talk with about anti-anxiety meds? Something like that could help nudge you into a better frame of mind to deal with the details of making this change.

(((Hugs)))

 

[done_so_done]

Well, girl....welcome to my world! I escaped my parents when I was 27, I moved to United States at that age. Too little too late. You need to run away from them now! And to be perfectly honest, if things don't work out with your boyfriend, you can always go back to your parents Believe me, they need you around much more than you need them, for they have the need to manipulate someone at all times. Without you, being perfect toy, they are nothing.

I know that you love your parents. The very harsh truth is....they don't love you. It's all about themselves and their narcissistic needs. Forgive me for being so blunt. But that's what it is.

Fight for yourself, it's not too late.

 

[Faraway1990]

I was scared when I left the country for the first time. But I broke it down into tiny steps (I've packed a suitcase before; I've gone to the airport before; I've gotten on a plane before) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was there.

Is the country your boyfriend is in a stable place where women have rights and so on? If it's within easy reach of where you are now I reckon it is. So there's nothing to fear except your parents' objections, right?

What you've written about your parents sounds really unhinged, but presumably they'd prefer you went abroad rather than killing yourself. I don't think that's something you want to say to them, but it may be something you can remind yourself of when you feel too scared to oppose your parents.

It sounds like you need to simmer down a bit to get organized - applying for schools, financial aid, etc. Do you have a doctor you can talk with about anti-anxiety meds? Something like that could help nudge you into a better frame of mind to deal with the details of making this change.

(((Hugs)))

This

Well, girl....welcome to my world! I escaped my parents when I was 27, I moved to United States at that age. Too little too late. You need to run away from them now! And to be perfectly honest, if things don't work out with your boyfriend, you can always go back to your parents Believe me, they need you around much more than you need them, for they have the need to manipulate someone at all times. Without you, being perfect toy, they are nothing.

I know that you love your parents. The very harsh truth is....they don't love you. It's all about themselves and their narcissistic needs. Forgive me for being so blunt. But that's what it is.

Fight for yourself, it's not too late.

And this, as long as you take your time and prepare the best you can you will be fine it sounds like to me this is the way forward from my limited insight and when you get through this you'll know inside you can handle things. I know it's not easy but we're all rooting for you

 

[done_so_done]

This ❤

And this, as long as you take your time and prepare the best you can you will be fine it sounds like to me this is the way forward from my limited insight and when you get through this you'll know inside you can handle things. I know it's not easy but we're all rooting for you ❤

Well said.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

Tricky but a lot of universitys have foreign student programs with assisted funding ask your boyfriend to help find one and if him and the family are willing to help I'm sure you will find your feet with persistence but prepare the best you can beforehand. I'm hoping it works out for you.

i've been doing more research and it seems like there is a way, just not super easy..
thank you. i hope it works out because idk if i can stand any more of having nothing in my control

I was scared when I left the country for the first time. But I broke it down into tiny steps (I've packed a suitcase before; I've gone to the airport before; I've gotten on a plane before) and just kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was there.

Is the country your boyfriend is in a stable place where women have rights and so on? If it's within easy reach of where you are now I reckon it is. So there's nothing to fear except your parents' objections, right?

What you've written about your parents sounds really unhinged, but presumably they'd prefer you went abroad rather than killing yourself. I don't think that's something you want to say to them, but it may be something you can remind yourself of when you feel too scared to oppose your parents.

It sounds like you need to simmer down a bit to get organized - applying for schools, financial aid, etc. Do you have a doctor you can talk with about anti-anxiety meds? Something like that could help nudge you into a better frame of mind to deal with the details of making this change.

(((Hugs)))

yes, the country my boyfriend is in is a really nice country and i wont have to learn another language or anything like that. i could get a job with not much difficulty if i graduate from university there. and yes, as always it is only my parent's objections that is to be feared

sometimes i wish i could say that to their face. that they make me feel like im suffocating, its hard to wake up in the morning being afraid of what next they can bring to make me feel trapped and hopeless, being forced to live a life that isn't mine. that they're the reason i left the entire country even if they immigrated us here for a better life.

i want to take one step at a time and build a solid plan but i can't seem to. im so afraid, there are so many thoughts - worries here and there about every little thing and i can't seem to get anything done, just be afraid. i can't see a doctor because my parents probably will judge me for it and i cant go to the doctor's by myself or without their knowing because they track me

Well, girl....welcome to my world! I escaped my parents when I was 27, I moved to United States at that age. Too little too late. You need to run away from them now! And to be perfectly honest, if things don't work out with your boyfriend, you can always go back to your parents Believe me, they need you around much more than you need them, for they have the need to manipulate someone at all times. Without you, being perfect toy, they are nothing.

I know that you love your parents. The very harsh truth is....they don't love you. It's all about themselves and their narcissistic needs. Forgive me for being so blunt. But that's what it is.

Fight for yourself, it's not too late.

if they don't love me, why do they give everything up for me? this is why im so confused. they hurt me but they try to provide for me financially in every single way.

This ❤

And this, as long as you take your time and prepare the best you can you will be fine it sounds like to me this is the way forward from my limited insight and when you get through this you'll know inside you can handle things. I know it's not easy but we're all rooting for you ❤

thank you so much <3

 

[Jean Améry]

That's great news. CTB seemed like an extreme, unnecessary way to escape your parents. If you have a chance to live a life worth living why not take it?

I wish you the best of luck. One piece of advice though: don't count on your bf to fix everything for you or be everything for you. Build your own life and pursue your own passions and dreams: this will benefit the both of you.

In theory you could try to manipulate your parents into paying for your intuition and see your bf without their knowledge. After you get your degree you could tell them the truth: at least you got a free education out of it. Which is something I think every parent owes his/her child anyway. Of course I don't know how feasible this would be in your situation but it may be worth thinking about.

It really is nice to hear of an instance of love conquering all. I wish it could happen for me but I doubt it. I was madly, deeply in love with a gorgeous, brainy, sweet and kind beauty but I managed to f*** it all up. Such is life. Don't make the same mistake.