sinbound haibane
Member
- Oct 1, 2020
- 16
After a horrible, psychotic couple of years where I've lost everyone I used to be close with, I've been hanging on for the last few months only because of one friend. She has three partners and a full-time job so I try to give her space, but it's difficult because she's the only person who's really there for me at all now... Yesterday was my birthday and my ex-boyfriend didn't so much as text me, despite saying he still wanted me in his life... My friend and I watched a movie together, but immediately after she ignored me for most of the rest of the day. We didn't even have a chance to really talk.
I couldn't sleep except intermittently all night and couldn't stop crying. I tried to talk to her seeking comfort this afternoon, but she said I was pressuring her when she didn't have the emotional energy. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but she's right. Our life positions are too different. I'm lonely and she's overwhelmed. She says she cares about me and loves me and that I'm an amazing friend, but now I realize she can't actually be there in the way I need. All I'm going to do by living is hurt her, because I can't hold my feelings in forever and she's too kind to just abandon me completely.
I wish I could be part of her life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could do something other than numb myself every day just so I can struggle to do my jobs that I hate. I wish I could appreciate how much she does for me (she bought me a weighted blanket! she watched a movie with me. she lets me say good morning every day). I wish someone would hold me. I wish I could live longer and experience happiness, but I'm bound by all my bad karma.
I don't know what else there is to do but die. I've ordered my supplies. Encountering some road blocks already but I should be able to take SN within a couple months. I'm still not sure... But I don't know what else to do. I'm 30 and no one loves me and my only friend is basically giving me emotional hospice care.
I'm scared but I can't take it anymore. I wish there was some salvation to be found. I plan on setting up automatic emails to roommate and work people and my mom, scheduled status updates on social media. I'll fast for a couple days, smoke some weed, take some domperidone, and hang out in my room listening to music and lying under my weighted blanket and take the SN and die. Maybe if I'm lucky I will get to do it while my favorite streamer is streaming so I won't feel so alone.
I couldn't sleep except intermittently all night and couldn't stop crying. I tried to talk to her seeking comfort this afternoon, but she said I was pressuring her when she didn't have the emotional energy. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but she's right. Our life positions are too different. I'm lonely and she's overwhelmed. She says she cares about me and loves me and that I'm an amazing friend, but now I realize she can't actually be there in the way I need. All I'm going to do by living is hurt her, because I can't hold my feelings in forever and she's too kind to just abandon me completely.
I wish I could be part of her life. I wish I could have a family. I wish I could do something other than numb myself every day just so I can struggle to do my jobs that I hate. I wish I could appreciate how much she does for me (she bought me a weighted blanket! she watched a movie with me. she lets me say good morning every day). I wish someone would hold me. I wish I could live longer and experience happiness, but I'm bound by all my bad karma.
I don't know what else there is to do but die. I've ordered my supplies. Encountering some road blocks already but I should be able to take SN within a couple months. I'm still not sure... But I don't know what else to do. I'm 30 and no one loves me and my only friend is basically giving me emotional hospice care.
I'm scared but I can't take it anymore. I wish there was some salvation to be found. I plan on setting up automatic emails to roommate and work people and my mom, scheduled status updates on social media. I'll fast for a couple days, smoke some weed, take some domperidone, and hang out in my room listening to music and lying under my weighted blanket and take the SN and die. Maybe if I'm lucky I will get to do it while my favorite streamer is streaming so I won't feel so alone.