i think i'd actually want to live

[exiled]

i truly believe i am suicidal purely because of circumstance and sadness, rather than a lack of desire to live.
i want to write and publish a book, i want to own a home, i want to fall in love, i want to love what i do for a living.
i think it's hard when you actually have goals
but know that the way you're wired, they are near impossible.
that's what makes me suicidal.
its so painful simply dreaming about the life i want knowing that my mental health is so messed up that i can't even get myself together enough.
ive been trying for so long and im sick of people telling me to just try harder. or to keep going.

maybe life isn't for everyone.
but damn, sometimes i wish it were for me.

 

[yowai]

If you can manage to just survive day to day life you can try to achieve some of those goals but keep the possibility of getting out on the side, that's what I've been trying to do for a long time. Telling myself I can always ctb if I really need to makes it a little more bearable

 

[ma0]

I hope that, should you choose to live, you're able to gain the courage to achieve what you want, and find happiness in whatever way it means to you.

Good luck.

 

[me_when_:D]

yeah, I had the same more than two weeks ago.
But exactly two weeks ago I stopped caring, probably depression returned after I got suicidal again.
And then a week ago I promised a friend not to ctb.
So now I am suicidal, depressed and can't ctb