I think I was drugged and assaulted…

[rotten]

I'm not sure what to make of this or if anything can even be done to find the truth. I guess I just need to vent and get other people's perspectives on what may have been going on. I have no one else to tell and I'm not really close to my parents so I can't tell them either.

This all occurred when I was between the ages of 3-5. We are estranged from my mom's side of the family, but before that happened, we would visit them quite a bit. My parents would leave me at my aunt's house while they did errands during the day. I usually didn't mind because I enjoyed playing with my cousins who were a similar age. However there were some strange occurrences with my aunt.

Something to note about my aunt, she was always abusing prescription pills that are classified as narcotics. She and other family members are the reason why we cut ties with my mom's side of the family years ago(mainly due to petty fights and stealing). Just a few years ago, two members of my family came forward with horrible stories. My aunt took inappropriate images of one of them when they were a child. The other family member had a sexual act performed on them by my uncle with my aunt in bed next to them. I believe them 1000% because these two are NOT the type to lie about something like this. The reactions they had while recounting their stories was heartwrenching and I don't believe anyone could fake that pain. I also heard from my mom that my aunt was kind of hyper sexual as a teen and may have been raped as a small child.

As for what I remember…

For a long time I had these memories in the back of my mind and since I was too young to understand, I forgot about them for many years. Basically there were at least three occasions where I would be at their house and after a while I would suddenly black out. I would wake up in my aunt's bed and see her standing staring at me from the foot of the bed saying something like "it's ok you're just sicky" Then I recall my head rolling back and I would black out again. I would always wake up again probably hours later when my parents came to pick me up. I always had to be carried into the car because of how tired I was. And every time I would hear my aunt say something like "oh she just got a little homesick" Although I never remember feeling sick at all, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. One minute I would be talking/playing with my cousins feeing perfectly fine. The next I would seemingly lose a few hours( I could tell from the windows it had gotten dark outside).

And there was even a scary instance of this that happened during the day. I remember my parents and I standing at my aunt's door in the late afternoon. I heard my aunt telling them something like "oh she just got into the oleander flowers, that's what happens" (I guess insinuating I poisoned myself with flowers) Anyways I just remembered being scared of their front door because there were hundreds of worms of all sizes and colors slithering in and out of it. It terrified me so much I had to close my eyes and I was begging to go home.

I do not nor have I ever had any issues with hallucinations or getting sick like that. The only time I would get in that state is when I was at my aunt's house. I was perfectly fine when I was at home or on long trips with my parents (they used to be adventurous when they were younger). Once my parents started trying to distance themselves, I never had anything like that happen again.

I also had another incident that was odd. The details from this next part are what my mom says the doctors told her. I had gotten really sick….well….down there, I was bleeding so much. Obviously that was very unusual for a little girl, and I was constantly trying to escape the examination because it hurt. Even after all that the doctors couldn't figure out what was the matter with me. Finally this new doctor stepped in and was like "Ah! I know what it is, you have strep". Eventually I was able to recover but my mom always seemed like she doubted this diagnosis for some reason. They didn't mention I had any tearing or trauma to that area, but I often wonder if I caught it from somebody.

That's about it. I feel like this has been eating away at me forever. I'm never telling my parents because they won't believe me anyways and the older I get the more they hate me lol.

 

[Holu]

Honestly, I don't know, but going off what you said I believe that it's more likely something happened than not. That said, the skeptic in me has to point out some things, namely the validity of your memories from 3-5. While it's not impossible to have semi-intact and fragmented memories from those ages, especially if they were traumatic, and it's possible you understood language well enough by those ages to comprehend what was being said, I'm not quite sure how likely it would be to remember the exact words, especially at age 3, and if drugged. If I had to guess, some amount of this is caused by implanted memories from hearing the story. This doesn't mean you weren't sexually abused as a kid, just that your memories have been exaggerated from the conversations you have had and what you heard. I will say, assuming you were told the doctor thing later in life, then I'm pretty sure that's enough reason to validate your concerns of sexual abuse. That's beyond suspicious given the accusations, and I think if your cousins were children who were sexually abused by this individual, it's naive to assume you, another child, wouldn't have been.

Psychologically speaking, it might also be detectable in traits you exhibit today such as self esteem issues, boundaries, depression, or sexual dysregulation. That said nothing is a given, and how we respond to trauma, even trauma that is repressed and we are unaware of, varies greatly.

Overall I think you're right in assuming something is wrong. In the end, the only people who would truly know is your aunt and uncle, and given the situation, I personally wouldn't advise visiting them unless it was through glass and a jail phone. I'm guessing they are free, even if statute of limitations doesn't protect child rapists, your post didn't allude to them being arrested or anything.

Hope your doing okay, and that this hasn't effected you too greatly. I'm truly sorry this happened to your family members and possibly you. Even if your aunt was abused, there is no forgiving these actions.

 

[rotten]

Honestly, I don't know, but going off what you said I believe that it's more likely something happened than not. That said, the skeptic in me has to point out some things, namely the validity of your memories from 3-5. While it's not impossible to have semi-intact and fragmented memories from those ages, especially if they were traumatic, and it's possible you understood language well enough by those ages to comprehend what was being said, I'm not quite sure how likely it would be to remember the exact words, especially at age 3, and if drugged. If I had to guess, some amount of this is caused by implanted memories from hearing the story. This doesn't mean you weren't sexually abused as a kid, just that your memories have been exaggerated from the conversations you have had and what you heard. I will say, assuming you were told the doctor thing later in life, then I'm pretty sure that's enough reason to validate your concerns of sexual abuse. That's beyond suspicious given the accusations, and I think if your cousins were children who were sexually abused by this individual, it's naive to assume you, another child, wouldn't have been.

Psychologically speaking, it might also be detectable in traits you exhibit today such as self esteem issues, boundaries, depression, or sexual dysregulation. That said nothing is a given, and how we respond to trauma, even trauma that is repressed and we are unaware of, varies greatly.

Overall I think you're right in assuming something is wrong. In the end, the only people who would truly know is your aunt and uncle, and given the situation, I personally wouldn't advise visiting them unless it was through glass and a jail phone. I'm guessing they are free, even if statute of limitations doesn't protect child rapists, your post didn't allude to them being arrested or anything.

Hope your doing okay, and that this hasn't effected you too greatly. I'm truly sorry this happened to your family members and possibly you. Even if your aunt was abused, there is no forgiving these actions.

Thank you, your insight has been helpful. My aunt and uncle are still free living their lives despite the things they did to others. Oddly enough, my parents decided to randomly drive by their house about 7 months ago. Apparently they moved without telling anyone.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

i really understand how you feel and i hope you are better now

 

[CatLvr]

I lived a similar childhood. I wouldn't wish it and the aftermath off on my worst enemy. Hopefully, sharing here will help you unburden yourself and move on from those atrocities done to you.

I am sorry this happened to you. No child should have to endure what you went through.