I think I want to be abandoned

[fleetingnight]

I've been putting most my random thoughts on my profile lately, but maybe this post is worth a discussion.

It accidentally turned into a rant about my family issues, lol. Please feel free to just reply to the title, even if your thoughts aren't related to family, I'm still curious to her your POV

It started with a horrible thought. I was reading someone's story of a parent disowning them, and thought, "I was I was in there place." I instantly realized how fucked up that it. It's not so simple. Even if your parents are shitty, abandonment still fucks with your mental health. I wouldn't want that.

Though, for many years, I've wished I wasn't part of my family, or any family. It'd make sense if my family did something really unequivically awful to me, but they didn't. They fucked up, but they could've been so much wose. I've only ever been hurt so lightly it didn't leave a mark. They've hurt me emotionally, but never denied me all the extensive, expensive healthcare I needed. I've been yelled at for "choosing" to be queer, but they've changed their minds since and are allies now. Not that good, but for me to have such a serious reaction seems overdramatic in comparison

I've slowly started to hate having any close relationships at all. I used to just feel anxious around people irl, but now I feel annoyed or disgusted, too. I know I should feel bad for my friends and family, but I hardly do. They're better off without me, anyways.

I wish they'd realize and be the ones to cut me off. I can't be shitty to them on purpose just to make them leave, though. I know that's selfish (Trust me, I've been on the other end of it)

 

[Arahant]

"I've only ever been hurt so lightly it didn't leave a mark."

Come on, friend, give yourself some grace.
If you are in this forum, that almost guarantees you have been hurt deeply.

There is such a thing as "invisible trauma". Emotional neglect.
I would bet everything I own this is what happened to you.
In severe cases, it can be called Developmental Trauma Disorder.
The psychiatrist bible is not ready to accept it, but people like Dr Bessel van der Kolk are fighting ardently to have it recognized.

The simple fact of human nature is, children need emotional nurturing. If they don't get it when they need it, they hurt and learn to associate fear or anger with that need. Do that enough times, and suffer intensely enough, it gets repressed with dissociation.
This is a grand trauma, especially because almost no one knows they have it or how to deal with it.

Think about it... If every time you were hungry, someone slapped you and then gave you poor quality uncooked food, you would learn to hate eating.
Neglect is similar - how are you supposed to learn to relate and connect if your parents (who should have taught you since infancy) never knew how to do it themselves?
It's like expecting someone who never even saw the alphabet to figure out reading on their own.

Then you grow up, struggle with relating, consequently mental health, and when you go to therapy, the therapists expect you to have the mental software to connect - and when you don't, they call you autistic or something similar.

It makes complete sense to me that you deep down would wish to be abandoned and thus relinquish a family that so grossly overlooked your fundamental humanity.
They failed you!
And I am sorry that happened to you.
I should mention: This can heal. You can grow past this. It's not set in stone, it's not a life sentence, people do recover from it.

It's an emerging field, but I have seen certain EMDR therapists treat it completely under the name "Attachment Trauma".
By processing the traumatic pain from needing love and not getting it, combined with reactivating attachment skills through guided imagery, it can be reversed, and you can have fulfilling relationships on the other side of it.
A video with Hillary Owen on Youtube explains it in depth.

May we all heal and blossom.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it makes sense in that you don't want to hurt them if you CTB. I think you can also come to this horrible realisation that they can't help you. That quite often in fact, things they say or do can make you feel worse. I have that experience quite a bit now. To the point I quite often dread talking to them. Because they'll say something that will get to me. Or, I'll not be able to hold my tongue and say something that will hurt them. It's weird because it's not outright toxic. It's just a misalignment now I suppose in how we think. But yeah- sometimes I wish that whole Harry Potter 'Obliviate' spell was a thing. That would be the best. No sour feelings. Just to not exist for them anymore. But, I suspect actually being disowned would feel terrible.