I (think) I nearly died today

[chopinkms]

I nearly died today, or at least nearly went into a near-death state as a result of months of quite intense starving and a long, hot shower where I felt everything go completely black and painful for a long, long time before being saved by my mother and hospital staff.

At the time I was scared and out of control - so scared that I ended up eating,
but now that I'm alone in my hospital bed and remembering everything, I can't help but cry at what could've been.

i know I probably wouldn't of died, but, I hope that I could of at least seen my dad wherever I would've ended up when I completely seized.
I miss him. I can't live without him anymore.

when I'm out of here, I'm done. I'm going through with my ctb plan. I'm so tired.

 

[Meditation guide]

I felt everything go completely black and painful for a long, long time

What exactly was that like if you don't mind telling more about it please?

 

[chopinkms]

My legs suddenly began to give out and my vision went almost completely black for 15 minutes - I couldn't hear anything except ringing and my mother's voice that seemed more like an echo - this was paired with feeling my throat close up and my tongue feeling incredibly heavy. My mother (who had to go in place as 1:1 to the bathroom with me) said that I went completely grey, just like when my dad died, and my feet almost pure red from the minimal standing. I was feeling very dramatic today, so obviously this was most likely an intense seizure coming up as I have a history with those, and not really d e a t h. However, despite the panic it was relaxing.