Venting I think I might ctb tomorrow

[valentine]

I hate myself so much. This post might be messy, sorry.
I have BPD along with a bunch of other mental illnesses. Relationships are pretty much impossible for me. I usually do hookups but unfortunately I end up developing feelings for people quickly.

I met a guy who I really like and he's moving 14 hours away next month. Not willing to do long distance. I'm so obsessive I said I want to move with him. We were both drunk so he agreed. Obviously he realized how stupid that was and told me he can't do this.

I know it's stupid to think of suicide because of this, but it's really the fact that all my relationships are disasters and im just too messed up to be with anyone in a healthy relationship. This is just going to keep happening. I'm so unhealthy and so toxic and I truly hate myself. I've been planning on suicide for awhile but this might push me over the edge. I just can't keep doing this. I'm planning to hang myself tomorrow morning when no one is home.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Valentine, I completely understand your feelings and inability to keep a stable relationship. I said,"fuck this" a long time ago to the dating thing because I'm so frivolously fickle and annoyingly emotional. I hate myself when I'm around other people because I know they see me. They see my personality and it's embarrassing.

I guess I'm a weirdo for it, but I've come to enjoy my own company and despise the idea of needing to keep another person around. I hit it and quit it to keep my sexual "needs" met. You don't wanna do anything else with your life besides share it? There's some cool shit out there, idk.. just a thought.

 

[valentine]

Valentine, I completely understand your feelings and inability to keep a stable relationship. I said,"fuck this" a long time ago to the dating thing because I'm so frivolously fickle and annoyingly emotional. I hate myself when I'm around other people because I know they see me. They see my personality and it's embarrassing.

I guess I'm a weirdo for it, but I've come to enjoy my own company and despise the idea of needing to keep another person around. I hit it and quit it to keep my sexual "needs" met. You don't wanna do anything else with your life besides share it? There's some cool shit out there, idk.. just a thought.

Thanks. I've just been lonely for so long and I don't think I can take it. There's a lot of other reasons I want to ctb, this was just the last push I guess.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Thanks. I've just been lonely for so long and I don't think I can take it. There's a lot of other reasons I want to ctb, this was just the last push I guess.

I hear you. It makes sense. I wish you didn't have to, but I'll remember you if this is what you decide. If you change your mind and wanna talk tomorrow, my PMs are always open. Best of luck, darlin.

Much love.

 

[Made4TV]

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I think connections to people keep us tethered and when those are volitile or fragile depression can easily take over. I'm wondering if you've ever looked into dialectical behavioral therapy (dbt). Its helped several of my bpd friends gain traction, understand themselves, and helped them work on healthier interpersonal relationships. Just throwing it out there. I've heard having bpd is like trying to go through life with no skin on you, and that's pretty accurate probably. I have seen some folks get help though too. Still painful.

 

[Meretlein]

Thanks. I've just been lonely for so long and I don't think I can take it. There's a lot of other reasons I want to ctb, this was just the last push I guess.

Have you tried DBT? My cousin has BPD and it has helped her a lot. I don't know your story but it sounds like there is still hope for you.

I'm so sorry you're suffering. BPD sounds like hell.

 

[valentine]

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I think connections to people keep us tethered and when those are volitile or fragile depression can easily take over. I'm wondering if you've ever looked into dialectical behavioral therapy (dbt). Its helped several of my bpd friends gain traction, understand themselves, and helped them work on healthier interpersonal relationships. Just throwing it out there. I've heard having bpd is like trying to go through life with no skin on you, and that's pretty accurate probably. I have seen some folks get help though too. Still painful.

Thank you. I decided not to go through with it today. I've thought about DBT but I can't say I really have any desire or motivation to get better, I'd really rather just die than put in the effort to change things.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thank you. I decided not to go through with it today. I've thought about DBT but I can't say I really have any desire or motivation to get better, I'd really rather just die than put in the effort to change things.

I'm glad I read to the end before I posted. I wish you the best. I personally believe that being in a relationship will not fix what is wrong with the individual. I think you have to work on yourself first before being in a healthy relationship. (I'm not even sure what that would be for me).
I'm honestly happier single but I know it's not for everyone. I can't fix myself and I'm not going to expect someone else to... or at least try before they realize I'm not fixable.
I just want this to end ... then I will be fixed.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I'm so sorry that your suffering. I also don't think being in a relationship will solve anything. I agree with the post above mine. That for things to get better one has to work on the individual self. I really hope your still with us, as I also think you may still have some hope. Wishing you find a solution & if not, that you may find peace.