I honestly don't know what I believe any more. I go through phases of wanting to cbt, not believing shit that's supposed to be considered "real", feeling like a complete failure and just generally experiencing constant mental torment and agony over being alive and not being able to move past my traumas or mental illness. Then there are bursts of motivation where I have hope and trick myself into believing I can face the mountain of shit I'd need to get through to fix everything and I put some work in for a while but even then I only half believe "reality".
For the first time in my life I am beginning to slowly lose grip on the wall I've put up to protect the fact that I think that some things about the world aren't true. I'm terrified because I don't want people to know and put me in an institution.
I think people in my life (at least) know what I do and don't do and they talk about it. I think they're playing games with me. I'm not sure if some of them love me but most of them definitely don't and pretend to do so.
Whatever is and isn't - all I know is that it hurts. It hurts to know that I am not loved, cherished or respected by probably anyone. Sometimes I think life is just a simulation and that helps because if everyone is an actor or a figment of my imagination then I don't need any of them to love me. But I want it nonetheless. I miss being held and admired. I miss feeling like I had a future. I see cbt as a last resort as I always have but I hope that someone loves me before I do that. Otherwise I hope whatever or whoever is on the other side does.
At my core, when I feel like being myself in private I still feel like that terrified kid I once was, being abused and longing for some kind of supernatural being to come and hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me it's okay for boys to cry and to want to feel safe.
I never feel safe.
I never feel manly.
It was all stolen from me and I'm like a continent that has been fractured into random floating islands that at times bump into each other and gain connection but mostly just float aimlessly trying to find a home that doesn't exist.
You don't have to reply, I just really needed to say all of that. If you did read it all, thank you. I hope you find the strength within you to know that you are worthy of love. I hope I am. Even if it's not here in this life. It's all I've ever wanted.
For the first time in my life I am beginning to slowly lose grip on the wall I've put up to protect the fact that I think that some things about the world aren't true. I'm terrified because I don't want people to know and put me in an institution.
I think people in my life (at least) know what I do and don't do and they talk about it. I think they're playing games with me. I'm not sure if some of them love me but most of them definitely don't and pretend to do so.
Whatever is and isn't - all I know is that it hurts. It hurts to know that I am not loved, cherished or respected by probably anyone. Sometimes I think life is just a simulation and that helps because if everyone is an actor or a figment of my imagination then I don't need any of them to love me. But I want it nonetheless. I miss being held and admired. I miss feeling like I had a future. I see cbt as a last resort as I always have but I hope that someone loves me before I do that. Otherwise I hope whatever or whoever is on the other side does.
At my core, when I feel like being myself in private I still feel like that terrified kid I once was, being abused and longing for some kind of supernatural being to come and hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me it's okay for boys to cry and to want to feel safe.
I never feel safe.
I never feel manly.
It was all stolen from me and I'm like a continent that has been fractured into random floating islands that at times bump into each other and gain connection but mostly just float aimlessly trying to find a home that doesn't exist.
You don't have to reply, I just really needed to say all of that. If you did read it all, thank you. I hope you find the strength within you to know that you are worthy of love. I hope I am. Even if it's not here in this life. It's all I've ever wanted.
