I think I might be a narcissist

[wildflowers1996]

but the incredibly insecure kind who feels worse than everyone else, not better

I'm so selfish and self-absorbed.

I heard about a girl I knew cooking for 100 people. And my brain just goes "no, I'd rather just die than put in all that effort".

I want to be good and I'm just not. It's like it's just not my nature. It's not that I want others to suffer. In some ways I have a lot of empathy, because I feel awful hearing about all the suffering in the world.

But apparently not awful enough to actually do anything about it.

I do just wish the world would explode and all life would end and no one would ever have to suffer or bother with anything again.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

but the incredibly insecure kind who feels worse than everyone else, not better

Narcissism is generally defined by explicit feelings of self-importance and a grandiose image of one's self. While narcissists usually are insecure, this usually tends to be more implicit/unconscious, rather than explicit. Hence why narcissism is associated with a defensive high self-esteem rather than a secure one. At least from what I know, you likely wouldn't qualify as a narcissist. I would say that a lot of your behaviours of more reminiscent of someone who tends to ruminate a lot and has a very low self-esteem (explicitly and probably implicitly), rather than a narcissist.

Also, not wanting to cook for 100 people isn't a bad thing. Most people wouldn't want to do that, especially those who don't have much experience in the kitchen and/or who don't perform well under pressure. In comparison to all of the horrible shit that people do every day, this isn't close to bad.

You keep on creating these high standards for yourself when it comes to your idea of being a good person, but the thing is, most people wouldn't be able to do most of the things you beat yourself up for not doing. Along with that, people aren't just "good" or "bad". Most people are too complex to be placed into one category or the other. This isn't even getting into how, to some degree, good and bad are subjective which only further makes the whole "good people vs bad people" thing complete bs. You are a human who has bad aspects but also plenty of good ones. You aren't a monster because of single shit like this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I may be kind of out of order saying this but I feel it more likely that you have been brought up in a religious setting(?) and a lot was expected of you and you've simply internalised all that to have saintly expectations of yourself. It's maybe not a bad thing to strive to be a good person. But, when it becomes something to constantly berate and chastise yourself with, I don't think that's good.

I'm pretty sure I grew up with a narcissist and you don't sound like one to me. Not that I'm an expert. We likely all have some narcissistic qualities but in my experience, narcissists wreak complete havoc! If you haven't noticed a whole lot of drama around you, I doubt you are one. Two very good YouTube channels that discuss narcissism are: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' and, 'Live Abuse Free'.

 

[NeuroDamaged3]

The narcissists I know would never admit to it, or even be aware of it, that's kinda part of it. The two I know would be offended if they were called it.