Venting I think I may have found the perfect time to ctb

[mistymoo]

There's a family holiday coming up that I've been holding out for, my last hurray if you will.
Everyone else just gave the go ahead to allowing an incredibly unstable and violent member to this trip. This individual has left bruises and cuts all over me more times than I can count. The worst part tho was every god damn fucking day they would call me awful names (cunt, whore, bitch, reta**, worthless, psycho, slut, etc.) They sent me into a depressive episode that I've never bounce back from. I'm fucking terrified and refuse to be anywhere near them anymore.

The rest of my family will try to push me to go but unless they physically make me then I'll stay behind. I'll have the whole house to myself and I have my method ready to go. Being found out and 'saved' is what's been stopping me.
I'm sad to miss out on this trip but I think this is the universes way of giving me a perfect out. The fomo is strong but the relief of knowing I won't have to feel anything anymore is stronger

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm sorry you won't get to go on the trip you were holding out for!
I don't understand why they would allow such a person to come with.. Sounds horrible

 

[FuneralCry]

That is so horrible and cruel what you went through, I'm sorry you've had to suffer. I hope you find peace, I wish you the best.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

I think about a perfect time constantly, but I'll just do it on some day where I feel really bad. I noticed that weather has a really strong effect on my brain...last week it was so hot on one day that I constantly thought about doing it and cried all the time, but once it rained I calmed down...funny how that works

 

[Evelyn Lane]

I think about a perfect time constantly, but I'll just do it on some day where I feel really bad. I noticed that weather has a really strong effect on my brain...last week it was so hot on one day that I constantly thought about doing it and cried all the time, but once it rained I calmed down...funny how that works

Yeah, I'd prefer dying when the weather is nice, but rain also has it's pros. For example, people would be less likely to be around you to save you.

OP, I'm sorry the world hasn't been nice to you. I hope you find peace.

 

[mistymoo]

Thank you so much everyone for giving me comfort and replying. It means more than I can express to have all of your support


Update: I am being pushed into going for at least a day or 2. I've been promised I can go back home after those days 'if I really want too.'

My ctb date is still coming, and it'll be very soon. Whenever I think about it a strong calmness comes over me. It's such a new and welcomed feeling compared to the constant anxiety and depression.

I will continue to update as I can