I think I made a small breakthrough

[Water-Lily]

So, whenever I would have anxious thoughts about my mom abusing me I would get scared. This is a natural trauma response, and the response itself comes randomly and frequently. The thoughts are at times even exaggerated, as in my mother doing things to me that are an exaggeration of the fears/abuse itself that has not been fully accepted or processed yet. I would then turn to google to "confirm" these thoughts. I would turn to my friends and even my therapists want them to quell my fears. Even when they told me the things I wanted to hear that made me feel at ease, it didn't last for long. The compulsion always came back and it got worse. I then developed a hatred to certain websites and subreddits and people who confirmed my "bad thoughts" yet a part of me always sought out the truth, but it always eneded up giving me a panic attack. Because of this I would villinaize these people and places as "hurting me" or "hurting my mom".

This is because I am still processing and not ready to accept certain things my mom did to me. And because I am still processing, I get defensive. I project a level of hate and anger that is just projection of my own thoughts and feelings onto these websites and people who don't deserve it. They are doing nothing wrong in speaking their minds or providing valuable information. It's just not something I am ready to accept, and that's ok

I don't know what will happen for me in my future. As I work on myself and try to get into grad school for this stempember (and start driving lessons) I am also looking more intently at my family. How incest and abuse has been passed down. How so many abuses has been covered up under the rug, allowing it to perpetuate. Its hard reality, seeing the family I innocently had up on a pedestal crumble under the weight of an ugly and sinister reality.

 

[OldDrummer]

You're still punching, which is a good thing. It's when you just sit on your corner, resigned, is when you need to worry.

 

[Water-Lily]

You're still punching, which is a good thing. It's when you just sit on your corner, resigned, is when you need to worry.

I have been doing thta for far too long. The whole past year or so was like this. Perhaps it was longer in a year. Staying in the comfort of my dads money, playing games, eating junk food, and avoiding my future. What I was really doing was avoiding processing my trauma. I can look back and see the time I wasted. Processing hurts and it hurts bad, though staying stagnant hurts more. Cause when you get out of it and see what you were really doing to yourself, you feel shitty

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

This year I also started to realize why I have certain attitudes. Things that by chance never crossed my mind but now make perfect sense. So it's great that you're starting to figure things out. That's the first step to then with some time and help you realize certain triggers and have mechanisms to help you not react the same way.

 

[Water-Lily]

This year I also started to realize why I have certain attitudes. Things that by chance never crossed my mind but now make perfect sense. So it's great that you're starting to figure things out. That's the first step to then with some time and help you realize certain triggers and have mechanisms to help you not react the same way.

Yeah. I was using a video journaling type of therapy (where I basically talk about my feelings out loud as opposed to journaling) and it got too hard after trying to understand certain details about the things my mom did to me. Things that is still hard for me to talk about publicly (though a bit easier in private with therapy). Trying not to force myself to go into detail about things that will trigger me, and not trying to seek "confirmation" obsessively

There is a part of me that is deathly afraid to admit certain things to myself. And when I try to admit those thngs openly because I fear that deep down its the truth, I shut down and panic. Its actually something that was brought up in therapy. How when I sought confirmation about the things my mom did to me from my therapist, I felt happy. I felt genuinely good, but it went away rather quick. My therapist told me "the reason the feeling likely didn't last is because you put the responsibility of understanding the trauma in my hands. You left it up to me to say how you should feel about it. Since it didn't come from you, its still there to process". This isn't want she said word for word exactly but is basically what she was getting at

I have to be willing to say my feelings on the matter myself, and is something my family likely wouldnt want to face or help me understand. I would talk about it to them before but it didn't feel right. They themselves are deep within their own shame and denial over the many abuses that happened to them (and my mom) that they aren't emotionally mature enough to help me on my individual journey. And so I can't expect that level of support and understanding from them. It has to come from within me, and that is scary

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Yeah. I was using a video journaling type of therapy (where I basically talk about my feelings out loud as opposed to journaling) and it got too hard after trying to understand certain details about the things my mom did to me. Things that is still hard for me to talk about publicly (though a bit easier in private with therapy). Trying not to force myself to go into detail about things that will trigger me, and not trying to seek "confirmation" obsessively

There is a part of me that is deathly afraid to admit certain things to myself. And when I try to admit those thngs openly because I fear that deep down its the truth, I shut down and panic. Its actually something that was brought up in therapy. How when I sought confirmation about the things my mom did to me from my therapist, I felt happy. I felt genuinely good, but it went away rather quick. My therapist told me "the reason the feeling likely didn't last is because you put the responsibility of understanding the trauma in my hands. You left it up to me to say how you should feel about it. Since it didn't come from you, its still there to process". This isn't want she said word for word exactly but is basically what she was getting at

I have to be willing to say my feelings on the matter myself, and is something my family likely wouldnt want to face or help me understand. I would talk about it to them before but it didn't feel right. They themselves are deep within their own shame and denial over the many abuses that happened to them (and my mom) that they aren't emotionally mature enough to help me on my individual journey. And so I can't expect that level of support and understanding from them. It has to come from within me, and that is scary

What your therapist told you is very interesting and it is definitely something to reflect on.

I see what you mean. My parents are also unaware of the plots they have caused me. Only once did I get my father to understand in the least and apologize to me, it felt good. But I know he doesn't really understand.

I hope you continue to progress in therapy and that things turn around for you. Maybe you could even look for a job to help you occupy your time. Anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Water-Lily]

What your therapist told you is very interesting and it is definitely something to reflect on.

I see what you mean. My parents are also unaware of the plots they have caused me. Only once did I get my father to understand in the least and apologize to me, it felt good. But I know he doesn't really understand.

I hope you continue to progress in therapy and that things turn around for you. Maybe you could even look for a job to help you occupy your time. Anyway, I wish you the best.

Same! My dad yesterday apologized to me. Though I was shocked to see it didn't make me feel any better. Art my core, I know my dad loves me. I know he cares, and he has always cared and loved me. But he also failed me and didn't protect me and abused me too. Hurt me in ways I am still processing. Like your's, I know he doesn't fully understand is just not capable due to his own limitations. He can only relate in a way he is able to, and this is the best of it I will likely ever get. It's sad, but he is who he is. Squeezing anything more out of him will frustrate me and hurt him, neither is good for me or him

I think a little job would be nice. Something to keep me occupied. I've been looking for things that are easy on mental health (though I know no job is ever easy) I panic easily and its hard for me to do something with people/fast paced. Would you happen to know of anything maybe slower paced?

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Same! My dad yesterday apologized to me. Though I was shocked to see it didn't make me feel any better. Art my core, I know my dad loves me. I know he cares, and he has always cared and loved me. But he also failed me and didn't protect me and abused me too. Hurt me in ways I am still processing. Like your's, I know he doesn't fully understand is just not capable due to his own limitations. He can only relate in a way he is able to, and this is the best of it I will likely ever get. It's sad, but he is who he is. Squeezing anything more out of him will frustrate me and hurt him, neither is good for me or him

I think a little job would be nice. Something to keep me occupied. I've been looking for things that are easy on mental health (though I know no job is ever easy) I panic easily and its hard for me to do something with people/fast paced. Would you happen to know of anything maybe slower paced?

Definitely. You know, our parents had their traumas too, so they did the best they could at the time. Now we have to solve our own traumas ourselves, not them.

I understand, maybe something more mechanical, not so intellectually demanding. Maybe you can try libraries or stores, being a receptionist in an establishment or being a courier.

 

[Water-Lily]

Definitely. You know, our parents had their traumas too, so they did the best they could at the time. Now we have to solve our own traumas ourselves, not them.

I understand, maybe something more mechanical, not so intellectually demanding. Maybe you can try libraries or stores, being a receptionist in an establishment or being a courier.

I have always wanted to be receptionist. That I can look into and try for myself :). And true about our parents. Both my parents were abused and traumatized and hurt and passed down the pain they did not heal. Part of my development is healing it for myself. Truly, the only real way my family could undo the trauma would be to get a time machine, go back in time, and save me. But that can't happen.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I have always wanted to be receptionist. That I can look into and try for myself :)

I don't know where do you live but there are lots of different jobs you can try. So you really should take a look on that. For my own experience, it really helps

 

[Water-Lily]

Never too late. I will def look into it for myself