I think I have to keep people at arms length, until I can stop being the devil

[Water-Lily]

"Devil" is a strong word to describe someone

I do believe genuinely evil people exist. But am I one of them?

I'm not sure. I think most people, even with my flaws, would describe me as a "good" person

But I don't know what "good" is

As it stands, I can't seem to move past how I treated my friends

How badly my abusive behavior effected them so much they didn't want me back

I responded by blocking them. I figured, since they didn't want me around and the issue is me, if I remove myself, I make them feel better

But this leaves me in a weird space

What do I do with everyone else? Everyone who, for whatever reason, chose to be my friend anyways?

What if I mess up again? And I mess up so bad they decide "I don't want Water-Lily around?"

If I'm the bad guy in people's story, I don't see myself deserving of taking up space

I don't think I deserve to breathe in the same oxygen as everyone else

I'm a bad person. I believe that genuinely

Not even my therapist can break that out of me

I think it's best I slowly begin to distance myself from everyone

I don't want to keep being a monster, and if I keep away they won't be hurt by me

 

[d_day_2031]

I had one friend left and treated her like shit. I just treated her how people treated me and now I see that I was treated like shit. I never realized it until it was too late. It's been two years since I was left on read. I've got no friends and probably never will again.