Venting I think i have neither the focus nor brain cells left to CTB or continue living.

[DrinkyCrow]

My addiction is completely spiraling out of control, I'm drinking 1-2 bottles of vodka daily. I barely function as a human anymore, I'm just trying to get through each day and i wouldn't call this living anymore. It's just sad existing.


I don't feel like i have friends or someone i can talk to, i tried a few times talking to people, but i don't think I'm seen as a person by anyone. Recently got raped by a "friend" and it wasn't the first time. I'm either just some boobs and something u can put ur dick in, or very annoying and unwanted. I don't think there's even one person that sees me as a guy, or like just a person. Even my therapist screams at me cuz "everything i say is negative". I also don't have any hopes that HRT is gonna do anything for me, and even if that would be the case, I'm trying to get it for so long already and it feels like in never gonna get it.

Anyways, the more i try to plan and research and stuff, the more it looks like it's just not doable for me. I don't have the financial means nor the intelligence or planning talents to do whatever i need to do. It's fucking frustrating and I'm so fucking scared that if i continue my life like this everything just gonna get worse and i will have even less control than i already have rn.

I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up again, this life is a fucking nightmare.

Thanks for reading my incoherent negative mess.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate how difficult and complicated suicide is in this world, it certainly is so tiring feeling trapped here and it's really understandable just wishing to never wake again, to me there is nothing more ideal than the thought of falling into an eternal sleep where everything is finally forgotten about. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for as it sounds really awful what you are going through.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This is so sad that life brought you to this point. I feel how
horrible your life must be because it is very similar with me. The only way out of this hell is CTB sooner or later, whenever we are ready for it.

 

[The anhedonic one]

What your " friend " did to you is horrifying. Nobody deserves to be abused like that.
I can relate to the vodka thing, I was down in that particular hole a few years ago. It's a fucking nightmare.
Trying to talk to others who don't understand what you are going through is often difficult. People are so self-absorbed, these days they rarely make the effort to truly listen and understand others.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

What your " friend " did to you is horrifying. Nobody deserves to be abused like that.

To be honest I'm kinda convinced at this point that it has to be my fault, cause stuff like that just happens too often and i dont do enough to stop it. I'm not even good looking or anything so there's not even a real reason logically for it, besides maybe being an easy target.

 

[Kerrtu]

To be honest I'm kinda convinced at this point that it has to be my fault, cause stuff like that just happens too often and i dont do enough to stop it. I'm not even good looking or anything so there's not even a real reason logically for it, besides maybe being an easy target.

It wasn't your fault.

 

[OceanBlue]

I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up again, this life is a fucking nightmare.

Would be great. Sorry you're in this situation.

 

[HopefulSleep]

To be honest I'm kinda convinced at this point that it has to be my fault, cause stuff like that just happens too often and i dont do enough to stop it. I'm not even good looking or anything so there's not even a real reason logically for it, besides maybe being an easy target.

It's not your fault, as humans we don't expect that this happens and don't know how to react.