Venting I think I deserve peace

[xzyxzy]

Like most people here I think a lot about CTB and I just wanted to share my thought:

For some reason I just can't enjoy life like other people can. I struggle a lot. I can't really make friend, I just can't connect to other people. I'm constantly sad, I don't really enjoy my hobbies anymore. My eating has become really disordered, I binge a lot and it makes me so unhappy with my own body. I struggle with SH. I have tried so so so f*ing hard to get better. I do all the things that supposedly make your life better, like eating healthy , exercising, picking up new hobbies, spending time outside, joining a club to do activities with people your own age, being mindful and so on. I don't know if I actually want to be death. But I just want this to end. I'm exhausted. I can't do it anymore. I never wanna get up again. I don want to leave my parents and little brother behind. I love them. But at this point I feel like maybe I just deserve peace. I struggled for years and I did my best for years.
I imagine death as a state of perfect neutrality. I think life is pretty useless anyway. We're all gonna die and we don't have a purpose. (I'm not religious or anything) But I just can't stop thinking about my family. But maybe this time I have to put myself first. I just don't think I can do this much longer.

 

[BBBB]

Yes, you deserve peace. We all do :-(

 

[NoWonder]

I feell you to the heart. It just seems that everything that I do to get better just makes things worse. It has become impossible to connect with anyone or to finding fun in things I used to find, I sought professional help for a good while, albeit I didn't completely admit I was suicidal in fear of forced hospitalization, but It didn't help. At this point I'm just a burden to my family. No matter what I do, I find a way to f*ck up with their feelings. My mom doesn't want to talk with me because she just thinks I'm lazy, and that hurts way to much. I don't blame her. No one wants to think their kid wants to end their life after all the love you have showed. To me, CTB feels almost like a "duty" at this point, to relieve the people I love of pain I have caused on them for so long.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your wish to leave this world is completely understandable, to me it sounds so ideal being able to sleep permanently, that is true peace at least to me, and I believe that peace could never exist in this awful world. Instead there is just suffering that sadly continues to repeat, I think that existing could never be worth it. Only the thought of non existence is what appeals to me, I hope that you find the peace that you are looking for.

 

[Freebird4567]

We all deserve peace whether thats through ctb, or living I hope we all find it