I think a mental breakdown is coming again - a small hope that I might succeed once the time comes however

[IfyouareamanWinston]

This is so annoying but I think its about to happen again. About 7 years ago I had a similar experience and it was the first time I truly attempted. This time however as my brain seems to be shutting down and the nihilism is at a all time high I feel like I am watching a train wreck in slow motion because the first time I didn't understand what was happening to me. This time having experienced this all before I know in the next few weeks to months I will prob have another episode. This means I will finally have a chance to over come the SI and succeed. I feel incredibly guilty for this because I have a husband now and my family will be blindsided and hurt. At the same time not a single one of them has every truly tried to help me despite all the hints that I needed help that I am not ok that I am struggling. Who has tried to help me get treatment for ADHD?, Who has offered me financial support to get me out of poverty? Who has tried to help me find better employment so that I can actually make more money then is needed to merely exist?

I am a completely incompetent person and the world does ABSOLUTELY nothing to try and help. I feel that they just laugh and sneer and then once you finally do it they are all shocked? Is this not what you have always wanted from me? Is this not what you have been mocking and pushing me to do? How dare the world be so fucking entitled to treat us like shit and the turn around and act surprised/sad/hurt when we finally try to go. \

I resent my parents and my husband for being so stupid and selfish that they cant even see... anything. Either my suffering is invisible to them or they don't care, a combination perhaps.

I wish I could make my brain hurry up and just let me do it now but I know I will need to suffer immensely and for days to weeks before I can finally break. Then and only then will I be able to actually pull the trigger.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

To add an update, today I packed up and threw away about 2 bags worth of stuff. I will try to get down to only having as much stuff left that would fit into my luggage before I loose it. Atleast this way its going to be easy for me roomates or family to clean up. I am gonna start clocking the trains that pull into the station near my house and the speeds to see if its possible.

 

[Iamtired]

Hi I know this isn't relevant and won't help anything but I love Chris cornell was just singing it all day today.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know the feeling. It's rough….I hope you find some solitude at least before you go. If you choose to.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Thank you for the reply! Yes Chris was a legend forseure. Gets me thru sometimes

Hi I know this isn't relevant and won't help anything but I love Chris cornell was just singing it all day today.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know the feeling. It's rough….I hope you find some solitude at least before you go. If you choose to

 

[TapeMachine]

I wish I could make my brain hurry up and just let me do it now but I know I will need to suffer immensely and for days to weeks before I can finally break. Then and only then will I be able to actually pull the trigger.

I feel you. I know a deep depression is awaiting me soon, and I wish it'd just happen already so I could get this damn show on the road... If I can get to the same mental space I was in last year around this time, I'll be able to go, no problem. But until then, I'm just stuck..

If it hadn't been for my brother's untimely OD last year (right as I was planning to ctb), I'd have been dead by now. I sorta resent him but not really. I miss him more than anything, but I do wish his death hadn't prevented me from going through with my ctb plans. Not his fault though. I'm glad he finally found peace for himself, because he had an extremely hard life and deserves to rest too.

Anyway. I hope things work out for you as you wish. I understand some of the ways you're feeling, especially about the people near you ignoring/being blind to how you're feeling.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

i

I feel you. I know a deep depression is awaiting me soon, and I wish it'd just happen already so I could get this damn show on the road... If I can get to the same mental space I was in last year around this time, I'll be able to go, no problem. But until then, I'm just stuck..

If it hadn't been for my brother's untimely OD last year (right as I was planning to ctb), I'd have been dead by now. I sorta resent him but not really. I miss him more than anything, but I do wish his death hadn't prevented me from going through with my ctb plans. Not his fault though. I'm glad he finally found peace for himself, because he had an extremely hard life and deserves to rest too.

Anyway. I hope things work out for you as you wish. I understand some of the ways you're feeling, especially about the people near you ignoring/being blind to how you're feeling.

Im sorry to hear about your brother, regardless of if you were planning to go its still so hard when you get hit by something like that unexpected. I hope things can get a little better for you whatever that might mean for you. Thanks for reading my story.

 

[TapeMachine]

Im sorry to hear about your brother, regardless of if you were planning to go its still so hard when you get hit by something like that unexpected. I hope things can get a little better for you whatever that might mean for you. Thanks for reading my story.

Aww, thank you for your kindness.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you know a breakdown is imminent? Have certain events occurred? Or can you just feel the changes happening within your mind?

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Aww, thank you for your kindness.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you know a breakdown is imminent? Have certain events occurred? Or can you just feel the changes happening within your mind?

Well aside from the things we might all notice as signs like increased thoughts of ctb or specific methods replaying in your head and more severe depression. I would say some of the things that happen to me last time, that I was confused about at that time, but looking back were signs:

- Loosing time (having whole chunks for time go missing like 5-10 minutes) I would have this occasionally but now its like every couple hours.

- Doom scrolling on apps, yt, news sites and literally unable to muster the executive function to from myself to stop even thought I want to. Prob scrolled 8-10 hrs per day since Tuesday (I work in person on mon so I had to function then) this happens to me every so often thanks to add but I can usually make myself stop after a hour or so as the dopamine effect diminishes.

- Manic episodes of cleaning and decluttering, already threw out half my clothing and important replacement parts for my PC etc. Things I actually will need in the medium to long term if I was to live. (like my summer clothing, connection pieces for if I add parts to my PC etc)

- I stopped gaming for the most part, I used to play 2-4 hrs per day and all day on weekends. I have no desire to play anything at all. I just sit and stare too at the screen.

- I have a very bad financial situation and barely survive (haven't paid my rent yet this month), normally this gives me constant anxiety and stress but I actually feel good and almost euphoric.

- Been calling my friends and family and having nice genuine conversations. Normally I don't talk to them as much and I feel bad to bother them, I also never have anything new or good in my life to talk about. I feel embarrassed that I'm such a lazy failure and calling and talking to people makes me live in that headspace so I avoid or only talks a few minutes. Now I just call and talk and chat them up for a hour or so.

- My moods an emotions are yo-yoing so hard too, like I will go back and fourth for a hour laughing then almost crying. Then the emotions and feelings will completely disappear for hours I have had this happen 3 distinct times since Tuesday.

- Also been getting insomnia which I rarely have. Staying up till 2-3am and waking up at 6-7 is unusual for me as I normally sleep ~10 hrs and like to sleep in till 9 or so on my days that are work from home. I don't feel tired whatsoever and I am having to make myself lay in bed to try and sleep( which I normally get tired every day after 11 and fall asleep eaisly)

 

[TapeMachine]

@IfyouareamanWinston
Some of the things you've described sound somewhat "positive"- like having energy and motivation to clean, feeling more social... But they also sound a bit manic, like you said. Especially the uncharacteristic insomnia.

So when this sort of stuff has happened in the past, was it then followed by a heavy crash?

The reason I ask is because I go through some severe ups and downs- every single month... (fml.)

For a while, my mom would suggest I look into Bipolar Disorder, but I kept telling her that wasn't my problem. I know myself, and Bipolar didn't make sense for me.

Lo and behold, after a chance encounter online, I was clued in to the possibility of ADHD as an explanation to many of my lifelong struggles, which is something I'd never even considered before that year (the ADHD). I was 37 at the time; I'm now 38, so this took place quite recently.

My ADHD can definitely mimic Bipolar. I get manic, then I become depressive.
- I get spikes of high energy (I love cleaning, decluttering, organizing every inch of my home).
- I am impulsive as all hell (which mostly manifests as frivolous shopping/spending of money).
- I assume a happy, chatty demeanor.
- I skip entire nights of sleep because I know the good times will unfailingly come to an end, and I just want to enjoy them while they last (though I'm well aware of the negative repercussions of skipping sleep.)

And then the inevitable crash surfaces and tears me to shreds, and I become melancholic af, staring at the walls, no energy, no desire to do the things I usually love, avoiding everyone I know, dodging calls and texts, abandoning my hygiene, overthinking any and every thing.

This up and down BS happens every damn month (fluctuating hormonal levels affect neurotransmitters and the efficacy of stimulant medications, and so forth). It's so exhausting.. I experience the emotional dysregulation you describe as well. Not fun..

You mentioned ADHD in your initial post. Have you been diagnosed? Tried medication?

How are you feeling today?

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I ended up just going out to a park and sleeping on a bench, I got too cold to feel my hands or feet and went home at like 4 am