Venting I swear SI is tricking me into liking things again and its infuriating

[jyko]

For context I believe I have sourced some good SN doing alot of research and deciphering of my own here, just need to test and then after that prepare everything else (ae and a decent hotel spot). The side effects don't sound too dissimilar from alot of my daily life anyway (recovering severe alcoholic with constant near death dehydration, tachycardia, throwing up, malnutrition weakness and dizziness etc, the works) so I'm content and not scared at all for what's to come. Poison don't scare me I drink it every day lol

But thats the problem. I've given my body an ultimate end scenario and it doesn't like it. So most of the day I sit in this apathetic state but for some very few moments my body reminds me of all the things I used to like in the past - artists, video games, music itself, youtubers, things that I used to RELY on to stay alive in the past that faded and gave me clarity to work this plan out. But these moments are getting stronger and stronger and its pissing me off because I've deliberately fucked my life up so I can't go back - cut connections, landed myself in bad debt (thousands of pounds) , no job, no prospects, just nothing. Nothing. And so it annoys me SO BAD that my brain is like

"But what about *x artist?* or creator? you'll miss them right? You like them so much you'll never hear them again"

"What about playing that game again? That new album coming? You have a concert booked for March you booked a while ago, don't you wanna finally see it?"

like.... NO. I CANT AND I DONT. none of it matters. You're coping. Shut up. I need to figure out how to train my SI out because that mf is annoyingly strong and I'm tired of it. Just let me go. Let. Me. Go. You've suffered a life of abuse and you wanna stay because pretty dancing man on the screen is cool to you? You sound absolutely insane and pathetic. Christ above. How do I make it stooopppp

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Believe it or not but what you used to rely on is pretty much no different than me. I have no direction in my existence, I don't know what I'm doing anymore and have failed socially leading me to live for what I like exclusively. Which is games pretty much. One of my regrets for as stupid as it seems would be to not be able to play a ton of games I wanted to play.

 

[jyko]

Believe it or not but what you used to rely on is pretty much no different than me. I have no direction in my existence, I don't know what I'm doing anymore and have failed socially leading me to live for what I like exclusively. Which is games pretty much. One of my regrets for as stupid as it seems would be to not be able to play a ton of games I wanted to play.

i really deeply understand this for you. ive had some similar thoughts. like, "when i ctb it kinda sucks i wont see some more games or wont be able to play those few games ive been looking at". i dont think its stupid (which is hypocritical since i criticized myself but hey, dont we all) i think we all tend to latch onto at least SOMETHING to keep going, and for some of us its games/music/tv shows/films/youtube whatever. i feel such a deep connection to some games it feels like i belong there, not here. All to say we are in similar boats and i do get it.